Coming out as SZ

Continuing the discussion from Psychiatrist thinks I should be on meds for life:

I figured we should make our own thread instead of hijacking another one.

I told some of my friends individually, and the rest either at a party or through word of mouth. I basically said, “Don’t feel like this is a secret. If someone asks how I’ve been doing, feel free to tell them.” I don’t know that I would go out of my way to tell every single person at a high school reunion, but most of my high school friends get together once a year to catch up, and I told them all then. I spent most of high school deep in psychosis, so it wasn’t surprising to anyone. Do you talk to any of your high school friends still, or would your reunion be the first time you’ve talked to them in years?

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The ones that I truly care about they do not know. I only got diagnosed after the Military stint. The words mental illness sits with me well but sz does not but eventually I will let them know. I did not keep touch after military or in high school I mean in high school I did not have it. So it’s new. I’m sure there will be talking behind me but I do not know for sure. It’s in my head that there will be some. But i do not know it’s in my head. A little paranoid about the thing. But I’m relieved with the words mental illness than sz. I can be honest when I feel conscientious but i am ashamed of the sz my be I’m making mountains out of mole hills. Cj9556

I let people know based on my intuition of them. Sometimes I don’t care and will tell people. Most of the people I’ve told, besides family and a select few of friends, are people I’ll never see again and those online.

Haha I wish I talked to my high school friends they were really good, but I burnt those bridges when my brain turned faulty. It’s a really long story. By the end they probably all knew. I told them I was depressed but they probably knew SZA even before I was diagnosed and maybe even before I knew. They were the best friends I have had so far in life and they cared about me, but I went beyond crazy and ruined it. I feel like an idiot for it, maybe some others would say it wasn’t my fault because of my illness, but I think it was. My whole high school of 300 probably thought I was some raging evil lunatic after the stunt I pulled.

Also, not trying to change the thread, but whats a good way of letting someone you trust know about your illness without coming off to them like some rambling homeless guy on the street. Not trying to be mean, peace to the homeless, but still. What is a good way anyway?

I think there is a cycle of acceptance that people don’t know how to enter. If you tell someone and they respond well, it is easier for you to accept it yourself. But in order to feel comfortable telling someone, you have to be able to accept it without shame. I am naturally shameless. My life was a wreck when I got diagnosed, so I actually enjoyed being able to tell people, “See? I’m not just terrible at life! I have a mental illness!” It was like my excuse for being the literal rambling homeless girl.

Why does sz make you feel ashamed? I think addressing the root causes will help you be able to accept it for yourself.

And when I told my best friend, I tried to make it lighthearted. I said, “Hey, guess what? They finally have a name for what’s wrong with me! It’s called schizophrenia!” But I tend to tackle all tough subject matter with humor. Making jokes about something is my way of showing myself it has no power over me. It also makes horrible news easier to tell people, in my opinion.

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I don’t even think my high school peers will hold a reunion. We were a fairly large class and I really don’t think we were that “gelled” as a community. It was pretty divided & somewhat rough, actually. In Middle School we were more united, but High School divided us all up pretty unevenly.

As for coming out with “SZ”. I let that stuff fly by word-of-mouth. The few FB friends I have know what I have SZ from posting. My family & various social service members are the only people that should know.

It’s not that I’m ashamed its that well idk maybe I am ashamed of it. Maybe when I get older people will be more understanding its just idk how to deal with it. Also it doesn’t help that part of my positive symptoms is hearing that I’m terrible at life. I just haven’t learned how to let go of shame. I’ve done some really messed up things to myself.

What stuff have you done? If you don’t feel like sharing that’s okay, but it kind of seems like you really want to tell someone and have them accept you for it. I am a very accepting person. Heck, I have a positive relationship with my brother now, and he did sh*t you would not believe to me and my siblings.

I ran my car into a tree as an attempt at suicide. I told my best friends gf about weed smoking which she hated because my voices told me they’d hurt me and out of anger people were talking about my problems instead of it coming from me which ruined our friendship. I started angrily texting people they were out to get me and they didn’t care about me and wanted to use me. I’ve stolen money from my parents for drugs. I’ve done a little self harm and some of the marks still haven’t gone away. I sent a text to a friend of mine saying some horrible things because I thought she was telling everyone what was going on with me and was trying to start a plot against me. Now saying it none of it individually sounds terrible, but how it all transpired is just a massive tidal wave. I’m emotionally and physically scarred from my illness. These past 3 years have been a nightmare, ever since I started “feeling weird and depressed.” My whole high school was full of emotionally horrible people. It was like swimming in a tank full of piranhas every day, which has completely decimated my chances at a social life and reading cues and all that.

It’s news in the media that makes it so horrible. The Colorado shooting at the movie theatre. People that has anger towards people who has sz just don’t know who will have it out for you just because your sz. That reality is a possibility. Not all people has compassion for us there are some who would have it out for us. Just saying. Why rock the boat. Why tell people you don’t know. Why risk it. For people who don’t understand that the ones undiagnosed are the ones that are not medicated. That’s the problem. I’m just saying . I’ve become a problem to my family. They worry some harm may come to me. If not myself but someone out for revenge. In this world it’s not so cut and dry. There are evil tendencys. Part of human nature. Fear . Of normal people. Some are quick. Some are cunning. You just don’t know. I’m not that willing to put that out there. Fear. You know will do that to me

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That had to be hard to live through. I burned a few bridges with my paranoia too. I was able to repair the one with my mom, but I had a boyfriend I was getting along well with until I had delusion that he had raped me. Well, I think it was a delusion. It felt so real, but he honestly had no idea what I was talking about when I confronted him. He just started apologizing and saying he didn’t think he was drunk enough to blackout, and he thought he just fell asleep next to me. I never pressed charges, but I probably ruined his life with guilt. I owed it to him to let him know when I got diagnosed.

This illness messes with our minds and keeps us constantly in fight or flight mode. We have all done some pretty f*cked up things in the name of trying to survive. Do you want to try to mend those bridges? I think your old friends would probably welcome an explanation for why you did those things. It might help them to forgive you, and maybe even start building a new relationship with you. At the very least, it would help them to heal old wounds.

Thats the thing by the end they probably all knew that I had it. There was a girl who wasn’t really my friend who I talked to in school with a sister who had it who told me “I think you have SZ my sister has it…” I didn’t believe her at the time and never thought it could happen, but she probably told one of my friends and so on. I would like to mend that bridge, but they probably don’t care anymore and have moved on. Might’ve even made jokes after I left. For me it would be easier if I could put it behind me and stop holding on to the past. They’d probably even think it was creepy that I think about them.

I think for your own peace of mind you might want to try just a Facebook message apologizing for any pain you may have caused them. Not that I’m saying you have to apologize, but I think being forgiven for the things you did when you had no control over yourself might help you finally forgive yourself.

Then again, I always have to talk things through with everyone at every time. I’m just saying what I would want to do, it might not fit with your personality very well.

I tried apologizing a lot but it was during my psychosis. Maybe one day and if I ever get a FB again.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’ve done anything worse than any of the rest of us. I actually think your story is pretty tame compared to the more extreme members here. You have a good heart, and you care about the effect you have on other people. That is a valuable character trait. The worst stuff you did was what you did to yourself. I hope you never feel that bad again, because I enjoy your posts and I would miss you.

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Don’t beat yourself up… people sometimes leave our lives due to situations that have nothing to do with us.

I think all high schools are full of emotionally horrible people… no one knows anything about themselves in high school. Very few people have themselves figured out… my high school was also full of the horrid and the ugly.

Give yourself another chance at learning to read social cues… social skills are skills and they can be relearned.

With people growing up… and mellowing out… you’ll probably have a much easier time. Don’t give up on it… plus… people do come back into life. Time heals a lot of things.

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Agreed. My mom used to say the reason high school is a separate building is because teenagers need to be separated from society until they can learn to stop being horrible. And I shudder to think of what I was like as a teenager. I am definitely glad those days are far behind me.