Comedy Sketch (Reading the Menu)

(I hope this sketch doesn’t offend anyone, and it’s not one of my funniest, but I thought it was ok to post on here, hope you get a smile out of it)

This play is dedicated to Ryan Johnson.

Reading the Menu

by Daze

Reading the Menu (A One Act Play)

Characters

LANA (in her 40’s, dressed modestly, conservatively)

BRET (in his 20’s, dressed in black)

Lights up on a restaurant where Lana and Bret are sitting across from each other at a table, looking at menus. There are 2 wait staff people very relaxed and happy, and the place is crowded with people who are silently talking and eating.

LANA
So, I was reading that people don’t really want sex, they are just hungry.

BRET
Make mine a double, baby!

LANA
Seriously, I’ve always wanted to be a chef, but really it’s because I’m sexually repressed. I’m going to start writing erotica, yes, oils and smells drive me crazy!

BRET
What? But you’re a poet. Do you think you can whip up a romance like whipping up a quick breakfast?

LANA
Sure do. Do you want that over easy?

BRET
I don’t know, my toast has been burned before.

LANA
I’ll melt your butter, sweetie. (they both look at each other and smile)

BRET
I’m thinking about getting a large bed of pasta.

LANA
Do you like it tender or firm?

BRET
(laughs) It’ll be salty with our sweat.

LANA
Hmm, but I like to stir things up a bit, once it’s out of the hot water.

BRET
I’m always in your good graces, aren’t I?

LANA
Not always. I can’t always be the one to cook up something good.

BRET
That’s where the writing comes in, huh?

LANA
It’s my anti-drug. (pause) I like the high life, baby.

BRET
Is that like elevated language?

LANA
I’m addicted to being on top of the world.

BRET
So you’re really taking off, huh?

LANA
I’ve read that people who fly high are never hungry.

BRET
Maybe you’re starved for attention.

LANA
That’s not it. I’m just trying to savor this moment, like now, this moment is sweet.

BRET
Well, I’ve read that people who are hungry get into the most fights. You hear about this, some guy ramming his cart into someone else. It’s called ‘hangry.’

LANA
I would call those empty moments alright, empty stomach moments that don’t amount to much.

BRET
Seriously, people go to the store hungry, they turn hangry. A lot of guys at work are like this. They lose their cool, but not their drool.

LANA
Ha, what’s your anger level right now.

BRET
I’m leveling off like flour, but I’d like to roll out your buns, baby.

LANA
Ha, and I think it’s true that when people are hungry they will spend more.

BRET
I’d give you everything in my pocket if you’d let me eat my heart out.

LANA
You’re a sucker, Bret, you’ll be broke and heart broken at the same time.

BRET
Never! (fans himself with the menu, looks around, the wait staff are moving slow)

LANA
I’ve read that people who dream in color wear a lot of black. Is it all or none for you?

BRET
I have unspoken dreams, only to color your world, Lana. You are my all.

LANA
Someone said don’t wear black on a hot day.

BRET
They probably didn’t know coffee is good on a hot day too. And you are my cream and sugar.

LANA
I’d sooner tip a cup than tip the scales.

BRET
Tell me about this writing.

LANA
Oh, you know, if you can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen, all about bringing it, but not in the way I always have for justice. This will be raw, and very good for you.

BRET
I see. With my fingers, I will dip.

LANA
(smiles) I’m branching off, you know, going out on a limb, finding my touch, touching you in all the right places.

BRET
You can knead my bread any time, baby.

LANA
I’ve read that if it’s too loud, you get hotter faster.

BRET
That’s why we should always scream in bed.

LANA
I play loud music in bed, it keeps me humming.

BRET
I would take the words right out of your mouth, suck on them, dissolve them, then give you a sweet kiss.

LANA
That’s nice, can I use that?

BRET
Come to think of it, my grandpa always had the t.v. So loud, and it was burning hot in there. It seemed that way, anyway.

LANA
I’m going to be writing with fire in the belly, you know, spicy, dicey pieces.

BRET
That would definitely cure me, and I mean, more than boredom too.

LANA
I’ve read that if it’s too hot you eat more.

BRET
Is this getting back to hungry people and sex?

LANA
You won’t feel a draft in here, just drafts of beer.

BRET
Like the people here, on to the next one. What are you ordering?

LANA
I’m ordering you to take it slow.

BRET
This place is slow, we could have had a moonlight dance or two by now.

LANA
Your body pressed to mine like a cookie cutter, each shape fitting into the mouth like a sweet tune.

BRET
We can shake and bake all summer, baby.

LANA
(laughs) Sure you’re not too chicken?

BRET
(smiles) Maybe you should allow us to simmer a little bit, you know, cool down.

LANA
My writing can’t wait, nothing stays long on the back burner.

BRET
I think I’m getting the french dip, like into a warm bath with you.

LANA
I think I’m getting the beef tip noodles, should slide right in.

BRET
I would like to go deeper.

LANA
OOOhhh, really? You don’t mean deeper into the fryer, do you?

BRET
Deeper with you, you know, more than just sex.

LANA
So you want more?

BRET
(laughs) I want more, yes, and I also want MORE.

LANA
Yes, like roses on the table, and candle light sparkle in your eyes.

BRET
Is that too much to ask for a woman who wants to write erotica?

LANA
No, not at all. I’m fine with that, fine dining, that is.

BRET
Fine dining, yes, you are so fine, that is. (pause) Now, where is our waitress? (looks around. Waitress arrives to take their order) I’m going to have a little bit of everything. Just kidding. I already have that. (he looks at Lana and smiles. She smiles back. Lights out. The end.)

-property of Daze

3 Likes

I like it… I like the “people are just hungry” philosophy.

Very cool.

thanks, J. It’s pretty universal, the theme of food. A lot of my sketches are quite weird actually, and this one was one of the easier ones to partake of, so to speak, hehe.

1 Like