Changes for the better?

Do changes for the better ever surprise you as much as changes for the worse?

Yesterday was a really roller coster day and I didn’t sleep well so usually… that will be the cue for a rotten day. I was really thinking I was barely going to be able to get out of bed today.

I managed it. I got a bath, I’m here, breakfast, meds, coffee, my one of three smokes for today. I am a little tired but not as bad as it could have been.

In the dead silence of the apartment when I’m tired and scattered the voices like to chatter up a bit. I just ignore it. I’ve just come out of a 10 minute freeze and it hit me… my panic man is gone. The back of my head has been this constant chatter of danger and other panic babble. It’s not there. I don’t hear any panic babble in my head. Haven’t really for a bit now…

One less voice? So only 4 now? This is going to take some getting use to. I’ve always said, I sort of need my voices to let me know my brain is still in my skull. I remember once waking up in hospital with not a single voice up there. Silence. So silent I could barely focus. I really thought they took my brain. I was so upset and I wanted my brain back. I just kept telling the nurse, I don’t like this brian, I want mine back.

I guess it’s hard to change from what your used to. I guess this is a change for the better…


It sounds a bit like you have an attachment to your voices. I was a little attached to one of my three voices, the “17 year old Mouse” voice. It was like hearing me before I was schizophrenic and had discovered drugs and alcohol, it was like having the voice of reason in my head, my own voice too, just from the past, remarkably better times.

But yeah I have been very surprised at changes for the better. I took a while to adjust to the new medicated lifestyle when I got on high doses of each of my meds, I was used to being agitated and having insomnia and then I found myself sedated and sleeping like a baby, without psychosis.

I had to learn to view life differently; I was in hardcore survival mode whilst psychotic, I just made it through another day and that was it, and then I basically woke up from the never-ending nightmare that I had been living in. I woke up to reality, that I was an honors student going to college for free and that I was very fit. I hadnt seen my life as it really was, I lived in a world of delusions and hallucinations.

I did adjust and made all A’s and got perfectly clean of alcohol and cut back on the tobacco. I also got into powerlifting and made tons of progress in it, but I still am not quite as strong as the experienced competitive lifters at my gym, that’s my new goal, to be like them. But I had long talks with my parents when I came back to reality, it was like I had been missing for over a year and was finally back home or something. I cried for half an hour because I realized that every little bit of what I had experienced was all in my head.

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