Today I had a major change of mind.
I have for a long time been very anti-med and also very scared and paranoid about meds. I still believe in the beginning they should have helped me with therapy and not have put me on meds, especially without explaining the side effects and withdrawals and harm they do and giving me a fair informed choice.
But. Today I was suddenly deeply aware of the hell I put everyone around me through by going off meds and relapsing all the time. And the danger I put my son in.
I feel horribly guilty, to the point that I cant live with myself.
I went off meds or on lower doses mainly because I wanted to feel love and empathy for my son again and be a loving, present and “real” mother. Not a mum who was flatlined and sleeping all the time. But in the end this wasnt the loving thing to do. It is better for him to have a safe and stable mum, even if that takes away the real feelings of love, however awful this trade-off feels for me.
I upped my meds today, because I started to be fearful of hell and doom again (first i thought i would go to hell for taking meds, now I think I go to hell for not taking them ) and I dont want to risk a relapse. I hope it is not too late.
I dont really know what to do next. I thoroughly hate meds and myself on it. But I think I should stay on them and on a somewhat higher dose for my son, for my family. I contemplate getting injections to stop me from changing my mind again.
I also dont know how to ever forgive myself for all the bad things and dangers I put everyone through, only because I was too terrified of meds and of feeling like a soulless zombi. It was selfish.
I guess in the end it is more important to act in a loving and empathetic way than to feel love and empathy. And the loving thing to do in my current situation is to take enough meds.
Sorry for sharing the whole struggle in a somewhat dramatic way…I feel kind of a horrible person at the moment and dont know how to ever make it right. And I still want to be a loving person.
Any thoughts on this are welcome.