Change of mind & guilt

#1

Today I had a major change of mind.

I have for a long time been very anti-med and also very scared and paranoid about meds. I still believe in the beginning they should have helped me with therapy and not have put me on meds, especially without explaining the side effects and withdrawals and harm they do and giving me a fair informed choice.

But. Today I was suddenly deeply aware of the hell I put everyone around me through by going off meds and relapsing all the time. And the danger I put my son in.

I feel horribly guilty, to the point that I cant live with myself.

I went off meds or on lower doses mainly because I wanted to feel love and empathy for my son again and be a loving, present and “real” mother. Not a mum who was flatlined and sleeping all the time. But in the end this wasnt the loving thing to do. It is better for him to have a safe and stable mum, even if that takes away the real feelings of love, however awful this trade-off feels for me.

I upped my meds today, because I started to be fearful of hell and doom again (first i thought i would go to hell for taking meds, now I think I go to hell for not taking them :roll_eyes:) and I dont want to risk a relapse. I hope it is not too late.

I dont really know what to do next. I thoroughly hate meds and myself on it. But I think I should stay on them and on a somewhat higher dose for my son, for my family. I contemplate getting injections to stop me from changing my mind again.

I also dont know how to ever forgive myself for all the bad things and dangers I put everyone through, only because I was too terrified of meds and of feeling like a soulless zombi. It was selfish.

I guess in the end it is more important to act in a loving and empathetic way than to feel love and empathy. And the loving thing to do in my current situation is to take enough meds.

Sorry for sharing the whole struggle in a somewhat dramatic way…I feel kind of a horrible person at the moment and dont know how to ever make it right. And I still want to be a loving person. :cry:

Any thoughts on this are welcome.

#2

I wouldn’t blame the absence of emotion numbing doses of antipsychotics for your reported relapses. I would blame coming off them at the wrong time in a careless manner. When coming off or reducing meds you need to work with your doctor, going according to how you feel from day to day and using a gradual taper. You need to add on other meds like benzos and sleep meds to deal with breakthrough symptoms and keep your sleep cycle regular. Just because you couldn’t reduce or come off meds this month doesn’t mean you can’t do it a few months down the road.

You seem bent on punishing yourself for some reason…

#3

I think coming off meds is stupid but you can find a med that works well for you. Latuda gives me some anxiety but that’s about it. I don’t think any meds I took made me soulless and I feel it is with a year of stability that I was able to rebuild my life, join day treatment, and slowly get my life back. With the right meds, you can get your life back too. I am proud of you for making the right choice.

#4

Thanks!

Yes, maybe I am being overly dramatic. It might still be possible to change or lower meds one day. Just together with the doctors.

And I guess you are right about the punishing thing…one of the things that happens when I turn psychotic is that I feel like a very bad person and I start to be super harsh on myself and I think I go to hell. Dont really know why either. Thanks for the reminder, that it is not a kind thing to do to myself… :relieved:

#5

Thanks! I might change meds as well, that might be a better choice than quit them by myself.

Good that you have such a good life on meds!

#6

Those kinds of delusions (guilt, responsibility) are actually very common in schizophrenia.

Delusions of guilt or sin (self-accusation): This type of delusions involve feeling guilty or remorseful for no valid reason. An example would be someone that believes they were responsible for a war in another country or hurricane damage in another state. In this case, the person believes that they deserve to be punished for their sins and place full blame on themselves. A person may see a crime on the news and believe that they were involved and to blame, despite the fact that they had never committed a crime.

#7

Hey you had your reasons. It seems like everything you’ve done has been to help your son or for the good of your son. Try not to beat yourself up too much ok? Perhaps injections would be good for you if you’re worried about it. I’m hoping for the best for you.

#8

Thank you @Alejandro for the link to the different types of delusions, it was informative and helpful.