Oh this is not something I’m really proud of doing, but I’d rather spout this out on here then bog down any of my irl people (spare myself that embarrassment.)
Laying around here in my place… Too tired to enjoy video games… Too sensitive to watch the news… Too bored to consume any more documentaries. (Did you know that the Japanese had built 3 sub aquatic aircraft carriers right at the end of ww2?) ■■■■■■ cool. SpaceX will be launching the crew dragon to the ISS today (Hopefully, they had to cancel the launch on Wednesday.)
Like… All the stuff that I’m usually distracting myself with is just sort of failing. In the lull of news feeling mediocre. Riots in Minneapolis… Racism is disgusting… But looting hordes is outright frightening. Those folk are tearing their city apart. Damn… Haven’t seen a domestic riot like that in my entire life.
So yeah. Back to my point though. I can’t even sleep I’m so hung up on this girl. It’s seems grossly disproportionate… Yet also totally natural and just kind of rare in life. There’s no purpose in giving up on it (more on that in a moment.)
… But it’s like starting to damage my ability to ■■■■■■ focus on my own life. (Which is sort of a pain as I’m in between places… Staying with my family… I go to work… I come home… Covid everywhere and all that.) Don’t have a lot to get excited about and I can’t really treat this place like my own apartment… That limits how invested I can get in my hobbies.
Basically I’m just spending too much time in my head. Historically if I just spill the beans about whatever desperate romantic waters my head is in I come out of it either too embarrassed to continue entertaining it… Or somehow just getting it out somehow validates everything (for better or worse)… Allowing me to move on.
So here it goes… Time to spill the beans.
I met this girl about 3 or 4 years ago. She was working at a gas station. I knew she was probably the cutest chick I’d ever seen… Like pretty much first time I dealt with her I was like “oh damn, that one is a walking fantasy… It’s like my mind gave up on even looking for someone that pretty a long time ago.” Right so that’s some corny sentiment… But its the truth.
Beyond her looks though she was just obviously a nice person. Seemed to take her job seriously… Had respect for everyone around her. Didn’t really catch her ever letting anything distract her…I respect that kind of focus. Work for me is a nightmare but what really feels like a kick in the head is when my coworkers are all just ■■■■■■■ off making everything more complicated.
It’s the way she looked at me. I could see the resonance. She’d always smile… A whole lot of the time she’d be blushing. She wasn’t shy… But I think she was walking an inner tightrope to keep her own nerves at bay.
I remember one night on a whim I went in there at about 2 am… I really didn’t expect she’d be in there I wasn’t even that deep into it at that point. To my surprise though she was… And it was just her.
It was a fiasco of sorts. I new what I wanted… You know those jumbo burritos they sell. When it’s that late I’ll get a craving for one of those. So this is the first time I’m actually talking with her one on one… Their cooler was shut down and so she had to go get my rito out of the back… The package was already open so she had to go fetch me another one. That’s all find and dandy… Overly complicated process for some prepackaged food… But the whole time girl was just fluttering… Like her mind was racing… Hah the right kind of nervousness. She actually thought I was there to fix the cooler at first.
Yeah I can already tell I don’t even want to keep talking about this, but I’m gonna carry on… The story gets deeper.
Yeah so at that point like “hah… This is definitely where I’m gonna buy my cigarettes… Maybe she’ll start talking to me if she gets comfortable with me being around.”
So yeah once or twice a week I’d stop in there… Or if I was working… Tried to maintain just treating it like I had previously. Cute chick register girl… Nothing more… Just enjoy it for what it is… No pressure. Occasionally I try dropping a line just to make things interesting. Not a pick up line… Just comments about things… Nothing really ever took off. Normally the place was too busy for small talk.
One day I went in there… Saw she wasn’t working the desk. Noticed this other girl (who turned out to be her)… Unrecognizable transformation… The look on her face though. Because I just went about my basic routine… Drink of some kind, cigarettes… Just be casual and friendly maybe capitalize on saying a passive thought out loud. Same ■■■■ I do everywhere… Except it was some other girl working at that point. This is when I realized it was her… To clarify I mean the girl who wasn’t working. She’s like driectly to my right so I’m in a position to see her face… Cause really I had no idea. I glance over to see it’s her and she’s got this offended look on her face that I was talking to the other girl. She actually does just butt into the conversation and sort of takes over… Totally welcome on my part. Demonstrating possessive tendencies over me… Hah yeah. Not like I’d really trust that to mean much in any real sense but it did validate me against my uncertainties.
Man I wanted that girl so badly I knew I would wind up being a fool by the end of it. I liked it as it was though… I mean I know real feelings…like what I’m looking for… They’ll be there in long term regardless of the ups and downs… It’s pretty much turmoil trying to make something out of anything else. Perhaps too patient, but oh well… I was doing a lot to try and grow and be more self reliant and resiliant.
Everything was dandy… I mean I was still wracking my brain trying to figure out what to say and all that… But she’d always smile. She enjoyed me coming around.
So then my car gets taken out of commission, I lose my job, I started realizing how young the chick might be while realizing that I’m might be getting to old… Like 27 isn’t like being 23 or 24.
Kind of feeling like weird about all that… And I know it’s wise to maintain a certain extent of self focus… I moved out of town… Really was planning to just let it sit as it was… Missed connection perhaps, but one that builds confidence… An experience on it’s own. Uninvasive, benign, casual… And lastly respectful. She just a girl… I know she’s probably among the last I wind up going girl crazy over… Cause any chick I meet moving forward… Well they won’t be her… The mild disappointment there will probably help me keep my head on my shoulders.
Alright that’s the basic premise of where this ■■■■■■ desire all came from.
Onto part two, the modern context of all this.
I wind up moving back into town. My father is sort of an ■■■■■■■ and Wichita was just blaaaaand af.
I ignore going back there… I didn’t want to wind up all obsessed again I was enjoying my life…
Until I eventually wind up thinking about it one day. All in all it just seemed plain and innocent. Like I shouldn’t be against it. So I go in there shes in there… Lol I get this dirty look from her middle aged coworker because I wound checking the girl out. The coworker like got the girls attention and rolled her eyes… The girl kind of nodded it off. She was smiling though. I can still see it. I felt weird about it, one of those things that reminded me I might be in deemedly perverted land… Like I still don’t know… Was she like 18 or 19 or 22 or 23… Christ there’s no ways she younger… The girl didn’t look like a child.
It wasn’t bothering her though… She actually looked pretty content… Like pretty happy.
So right leave that feeling like… Oh yeah, that’s right… I might be being entirely inappropriate. So I dropped the idea again (or tried)… Wound up going in again a few weeks later… And it was just like it always had been. Direct eye contact… A blush and a smile… Simply gorgeous chick to me looking at me like that… Can’t ■■■■■■ help but want it.
I left quite a few other little stories out about her. But after a couple weeks it became quite apparent she didn’t work there any more.
Was certain I probably wouldn’t see her again. Moved on inside… Let the idea live on… Her and I would have obviously gotten along in more proper circumstances. That was enough for me. I’m a late bloomer of sorts… And really even when it was right in the mind’s eye… I honestly didn’t feel like I was ready. I was broke poor back then, I smoked cigarettes and drank too much… My life had direction but it wasn’t like I was going anywhere fast… On top of all that still a diagnosed sz something that still leaves me afraid of myself at times. Errant paranoia… And a bunch of unnecessarily heady stuff to burden anyone with…
Alright then we are approaching the end of this little romantic exerpt. I promise.
Now I’m here… I was just working my delivery job… Yeah when my mind would start day dreaming about girls she was still one of them… But I was comfortable with her just being the fantasy… Like a situation that promoted a vague sense of promise for what I can expect from my future… Like cool… I’m going to work my way over to Colorado springs and once I’m where I want to be in the world… Then I’ll looking for that kind of thing. Should be a lot more fluid in those circumstances. I’ll be on my own, taking care of myself… I’ll probably feel like more of a responsible adult and all that jazz… Like I’ll be farther passed a lot of my own ■■■■■■■■ and I’ll likely feel hella ready… Like life’s a peach, picture perfect, happy with myself and good to just focus on keeping a girl well entertained while also pursing my hobbies and interests…
God damn everything was making sense and feeling great… And then I ran into her again.
This is both the first and last thought that marks my obsession looping around.
The memory… I walk into this hotel to bring some guy his pizza… And she’s just in there wiping down tables… Looked like she was closing up shop. We notice each other… Eye contact… Hah her mouth was half open like she had been focusing pretty intently on what she was doing… I really do like hard working people. My posture goes rigid as I start flipping out a bit. I like just getting hit with something entirely mind altering and unexpected… Like someone injected my with and EpiPen laced with girl pheromones… I just focus on walking to where I was needing to go.
I deliver the food. I know I’m gonna be walking right past her again… I try to prepare myself… Just breath deeply on my way in there… Shake the nerves… Just walk by don’t pressure yourself… Feel free to glance just for sake of maybe seeing how she’s responding to my presence.
Hah the girl had set herself up in the middle of the dining section… She was working on something… But she had positioned herself to be dead center and facing outward.
I see all this and then focus on where I’m going… Nervous yet again… But it’s like “gawd it’s not a big deal man, you obviously can’t do anything about it now… Just relax and just be the characture you always are… Just a pizza guy hard at work.”
So I give her one last glance right as the window of opportunity is closing… Yeah she’s looking right at me… Dead on eye contact…
She looks nervous, but I don’t think she was afraid of me… Like all the times in the past shes smiled… All the times I thought I might be coming off as a creep… Just for her to keep smiling at me.
Really it might be that she was just as nervous as I was for the same reason. Seems more likely though my self-defeatism finds that hard to believe.
Yeah so I’m like… “Hell yeah this will be a good summer, once softball or whatever sports league winds up bringing those families in there. Jesus I wind up taking like 10 orders to that place alone on those nights. I can’t fuggen believe I might actually have another chance to connect with this girl.”
God I got so excited about it… All the old feelings came back in full bloom.
Here’s the fuggen mess of it though… Covid 19… That pandemic cropped up and the restaurant closed down. I still don’t know if they reoppened even though they probably can at this point.
So it’s just wrecked. The whole situation is just aggravating. I’ve finally had enough time to make sure I wasn’t reading into things wrong… She might be younger than me but she’s a whole 3 years older than she was then… Like that’s what sucked in the first phase of liking this girl… I knew in like an approximate number of years it wouldn’t be so awkward to consider… Like a 25 year old with someone whose 33… No big deal… The gap just grows less relevant from there.
But yeah… Now I’m stuck with a freshly woken up level of desire… The ambiguity of a global pandemic… The sheer mystery of whether or not I’ll ever see her again… And just wayyyyyy too much time alone. Hah
Alright that’s my situation. Thank you forum.schizophrenia.com for being the safe place to vent about personal stuff.
I’m gonna be stuck all topsy turvy… Juvenile and hopeful… ■■■■■■ trapped until… Well for how long I can’t tell… Wish there was any way to know anything. Will they reopen? Would a hard-working girl like that even settle for being unemployed for even 2 months? Is she just gonna pop up somewhere else? Can this please just hurt me bad enough in one of those ways that I can just get over it already… Again.
Like ■■■■■■ hell I basically have to picture her spending time with other guys just to intentionally piss myself off… Just to shut it out of my mind. Let that self preference win out… Then it comes back… Well she probably does have a bf… And she probably also is concerned with taking care of herself… So yeah all that crap I just made up might represent something upsetting that is real… But it certainly isn’t any of that… Kind of all exagerrated there.
And shes obviously had a closeted interest in me for years… I mean she certainly recognized me. It had an impact on her. Maybe it wasn’t a good thing to her… But she only ever been pretty happy dealing with me.
Alright I’m done