I used to feel things so much I continuously asked myself how I would make it through, if even the slightest thing disrupted me. Now it is the opposite, I ask myself how will I make it through if I feel so little, or if I can aknowledge my feelings only rationally, not instinctinvely(like, “you put distance between yourself and that person because you fear intimacy”). I go back to feeling like I used to only when I’m psychotic. Yet sometimes I start crying, or laughing, or showing myself other signs of not being completely emotionless…yet it is as if, whenever I show myself feel something, it were happening to somebody else, somebody to whom I have no relation to, and I’m sort of observing that stranger without being able to ask her what happened inside her. My banal guess would be that at some point of my life emotions got so overwhelmingly intense I unknowingly sort of locked myself out of them. But they must be still there somewhere. The things is, I do not know if I could deal with how intensely I was aware of feeling again, as much as now I’m having trouble dealing with how intensely I’m aware of not feeling. But I hate having to fake emotions to avoid upsetting the people that are fond of me.