Can’t stop hating myself for things I shouldn’t

I hate that sometimes in my dreams when I kill things I’m excited to kill them. I like the rush of power it gives me. I hate that a lot of times I enjoy talking to the demons and find them exciting and their attention somewhat intoxicating. I hate that sometimes I enjoy the things they do to me because it feels good and that sometimes I ask for them to do it. I feel I’m guilty of inexcusable things. I feel unworthy to associate with God. He says these things are very human and natural and I should not be so hard on myself but I can’t. I hate that I am so weak. God asked what it would take for me to love myself, would I have to be a saint never partaking in any earthly pleasure, with utmost self discipline? Why do I require the impossible of myself? Why?

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I played first-person shooters for over 10 years, so I was pretty much obsessed with virtual murder, yet at the same time I couldn’t handle too much blood or gore, I just played for sport. Kind of burned myself out on it.

I only killed a person in my dreams once or twice after retiring from FPS games, and it was like some kind of abrupt accident, not some drawn-out ritual.

Maybe you’ll get bored of it, and the nature of your dreams will change.


I think if you dream that you have done something vile, yet are abhorred at the memory when you’re awake, your moral compass is pointed in the right direction. Don’t beat yourself up over it.



I don’t usually kill people. Killing people is usually a very horrific affair. Humans are sturdier than you would think and if you don’t know what you’re doing, which I usually don’t as I act impulsively and brute force it, it can take an uncomfortable amount of time to kill someone. I never have the luxury of guns. (Don’t know how to use them anyhow) Usually when I kill people it’s just by bashing their head in repeatedly, either with an object, smashing it into a wall or just with my fists. (I’m very strong in dreams, even without trying…I can pin a grown man to the ground without effort…depending on my confidence level I can hurl cars and whatnot as well) Anyways it’s always disgusting and depressing. Better than stabbing people though, sometimes I do end up going that route and honestly it’s worse because they lose consciousness slower because I guess you’re waiting on blood loss and not cranial trauma. Either way it’s hugely messy and gross, and extremely guilt producing as unless the person is pretty messed up there’s always a point where they start pleading for you to stop and bawling and it turns into worse noises past there if they’re still conscious.

Memories of those times are burned into my brain.

Mostly the times I enjoy killing is when it is non-humans, and when I have all of my powers so killing is exceedingly easy, like the other night where I stopped this nasty alien army that’s queen wanted to conquer the universe solely for status reasons :unamused: I tried playing nice and reasoning with them and when they treated me rudely I butchered all of them with great satisfaction, except I think a prince and a royal advisor who I found decent enough to take over in the queen’s place. I felt horrific upon waking up and realizing I happily committed these acts of violence, especially when with my powers I can very very easily solve any conflict peacefully and in a multitude of ways. The fact that solving issues violently feels so viscerally good and satisfying to me is repulsive.

Well, good luck with your dilemma. Try not to feel too guilty for bad dreams, your conduct while awake is what counts most.

I bet even monks and priests have troubling dreams once in a while.

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I wonder how much of these dreams have to do with our meds or illness. I used to have disturbing dreAms also but not killing they were disturbing to me in other ways. But over the years I’ve found that it is very important what you put into your mind via media and life choices. Prayer always seems to help Me straighten no these things out and get over the guilt.


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