Can’t sleep; feeling anxious

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I’ve been thinking about my mom, today. She’s very sick. She abandoned all family, chose her delusions over her own children, did horrific things in the name of god (the voice in her head). I don’t see her anymore. I just can’t. She hates me and everyone else.

The universe wanted to torture me some more, I guess. I ran into my incredibly abusive, manipulative, toxic sister. At the craft store. Small world. But I live in a large city.

It’s the middle of the night right now. I can’t sleep. I was already feeling bad, today, and last night. I feel like crap. I really miss who my mom used to be, before she stopped all her meds two years ago, went manic and psychotic, stabbed all the family pictures in the faces, believed she was married to Jesus and was carrying his triplets, bought thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of new furniture for said triplets, and then physically beat her friend into the floor who was only trying to check on her. Then police showed up, finding knives all over the house, hidden. For self defense, I guess. Mom was catatonic most of the time, only weighing about 80 pounds at 5’4”.

Didn’t mean to just drop that. Sorry. I don’t feel well. I want my mom back. My real mom. I have tried to find a therapist who I can open up to, but nobody is a good fit. So, just dumping here. She also chopped up a handmade scarf I made for her, out of pure hatred for me. I put so much work and love into that. And then she destroyed it.

I feel like I’m carrying so much pain.

Thanks for reading, I guess.

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I don’t know how to make you feel better.

I also believe in God (always have, since infancy) but don’t see myself ever resorting to violence or threats. I try to keep a balance between faith and reason/common sense.

The trouble begins when one starts indulging voices and thoughts of being superior or chosen. It all goes downhill from there on.

Your sister might have developed some coping mechanisms - I don’t know enough to form an opinion. Was your childhood traumatic? We do know genes are at least partly responsible for schizophrenia. You mom has it, you have it. Does your sister have a MI diagnosis too?

You say no therapist was a good fit so far. Maybe keep looking? Written conversations with strangers on a forum cannot replace proper therapy.

There are also self help resources online, but the right ones are like needles in a haystack.

Sending good thoughts.

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hey blossom! really sorry to hear all of this… it must really hurt. sigh Praying things get better. Your a really good daughter for always looking out for your mum. Shes gonna be ok :slight_smile: i hope she can get the help she needs, im surprised the medical system hasnt been able to help her yet :confused: i know shes your mom and you really care about her but maybe just try to forget about it for a while? For both of yalls sake… wishing yall the best.

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I am sorry things have been so rough with your mom’s sz. Hang in there :folded_hands:

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