Can i type here?

…instead of get myself in legal trouble,
mess up my week,
and loose my job?
first instinct?
suicide hotline.
not a danger to myself,
but crying out to express exasperation,
the bugs,
they crawl, they run, they sting,
i used to sleep with a beer and alkaselzer cold and 30mg seroquel
but nothing does it anymore,
feeling like i can’t breathe from the physical stress,
i went to TM class today,
took me to a deep place,
what a mistake,
i annoyed the whole hive of the ghost bugs,
they freaked from the threat,
is my theory,
i sit here in the dark
there’s no way there’s gonna be any kind of sleep
i’m gonna keep crawlin through the night,
keep crawlin in the cubicle at the 8 to 5,
inside i’m crying, calling out save me,
outside i know better,
well i guess typing here is the first sign of disaster,
30 minutes ago i thought about the phone,
911, or the hotline, or the insurance nurse,
all big mistakes i’ve made many times,
i have a great life,
51 years old, mental and spiritual peak,
but the body in severe distress,
i went to the amazon jungle and swam and bathed,
came back with bubbly stomach
32 years ago,
a few months later it began,
i escaped periodically,
pristine raw veggie diet,
pdoc never did anything but make me drowsy in the swarm,
shamans said hold two rocks under the water,
while it’s as if
ten people circle me with pins,
poke me every 15 seconds,
they aren’t real cause they never rest,
the invisible flies land on my face,
i remember way back in new york,
when they were real,
i’d role up a new york times and track each down and go back to bed,
but these are ghosts,
there’s no kill site,
there’s no off button.

ok thanks,
see why i can’t pick up the phone and say that???

So you became ill after swimming in the amazon? Maybe you contracted some illness from a bug or bacteria, I’ve read that Lyme Disease can mimic psychiatric illnesses.

yeah that’s one theory,
but it’s a useles theory,
cause science doesn’t test for whatever unknown bug.
32 years in,
i don’t go to the emergency room anymore
’cause i get the 72 hour hold,
they’re trained to say
this is incurable and i should be medicated,
they can’t imagine i can withstand it
without becoming a danger,

they said
"you are so sick you don’t know you’re sick"(agnos… whatever)
"the pills can’t help cause you’ve been very very sick for a very very long time"
and my favorite,
"i don’t think you’re insane, i think you have a very unusual relationship to your subconsious,
and i think your subconsious is trying to kill you"
yeah, thanks america, very helpful,
oh i used to think they could help,
i realized they can’t
so i’m sittin here in the dark
this "great life"
i learn, i see, it’s beautiful,
oh yeah my favorite theory,
different board, different decade,
another guy goes,
“yeah, when you travel to the other world,
and then come back,
the parasites that are meant for that world
get on you,
'cause in that other, demon world,
there are no physical bodies for them to eat”

anyway, 32 years in,
no solution this far,
i thought 'sure, go to TM class, who knows,
and what i found was,
worst mistake i ever made,

hey anyone else ever try that?
any one else ever get burned by it like this??
i could get my money back they said
but they can’t get the bugs off,
they upset the demon swarm,
or whatever it is,
and they have no idea how to fix that…

Yeah meditation is bad for me too. Opens up the mind too much. I hope you get the treatment you need man, hopefully in the future the technology will become good enough to figure all this ■■■■ out.

yeah, trick is making it through each 5 seconds,
and still no cure,
and then another 5 seconds takes me farther into hell.

what i was wondering
was can i get the shot
for anaphylactic shock,
(what is that a pig’s pancreas i need?)
'cause that’s where i feel this leading,
it’s allergies
though they swear its insanity,
that’s why i doubt i can get the shot…

I dunno man in general science just doesn’t know enough yet. The advice I can give you is to eat really well, maybe your body can flush out whatever’s wrong with you. Also exercise every day, take supplements, try and be really healthy.

I’m sorry. I don’t get tactile hallucinations, but a few other people here do. They sound awful. How many different medications have you tried so far?

uh, they felt sorry for me at one place and said i could have whatever i wanted,
all of it made me drowsy, none of it had any effect on the bugs,
some of it had terrible side effect,
lost a marriage comin off seroquel and haldol,
here’s the thing,
it penetrates sleep, i itch in my dreams till i have to get up and shower
every couple of hours,
i’ve itched for 32 years,
through 2 marriages,
20 jobs,
teaching, cubicles,
super easy, super stressful,
diets all over the chart,
emotional and spiritual life,
sometimes developing fast, sometimes on hold
for a wife with her baptist church on sunday,
early on
sleeping on metal solved it
before that,
singulair, an anti leikotriene,
more fundamental than antihistamine,
extremely restrictive diet helped,
but i was only ever able to sleep at all
by heavily drugging myself
and leaving something terrible,
some monster
under the rug.
today on a friend’s suggestion,
i went to transcendental meditation class,
they said it was restful and would help with healing,
i paid 240 in the first of four payments
but we got under the rug
the monster came out,
the monster is mad.

my great grandfather
was a slave owner in mexico,
and he would impregnate the aztec slave,
my great grandmother,
and then take the feotus,
and eat it.
six times
seventh time,
the lady says oh no,
stabs the slave owner,
the foetus eater who impregnated her, again,
and runs away to join the war with pancho villa
with the seventh baby, my grandfather,
on her back,
kid grows up in the war,
and if these dreams i’ve had all my life,
about brutal torture and warfare,
are a related record,
it was the sickest thing this culture has never seen,

and the hunger for the foetus
it lives on the genome,
canibals are known to have altered genomes
in lots of species,
my brother tried to eat my mom,
and so was cast aside,
he’s in a nursing home,
600+ pounds,

me, i was living a good life,
with the monster tucked under the bed,
only torturing in my dreams every night,
itching semi-managed with extreme diet,
but the TM let the monster out.

my mom wasn’t ready for babies,
she took out her vengence on men,
who had abused her,
on me, her first born.
my earliest memory
i was locked in a room to scream in a crib,
in a lone brooklyn apartment,
she thought i had no recourse.
but out of the wall,
in answer to my screams,
came the demon world,
the monsters on my genome.

at 51 years old i was ok
till i went to TM class,
and it taught me to open the door
to where they were staying hidden.

it’s sunday night,
i’,m supposed to be at work in the morning,
if i loose the job i have nothing
i have no one,
i live in a new city,
no friends no family,
i have a problem seeing how i’m gonna make it through the night.


Meditation can do funny things to our brains. I don’t really know why. The effects should be temporary, though. Hopefully you’ll be feeling better in a few days. What job do you have? Can you afford to take a day or two off if you don’t sleep well enough?

i have to show i have to sit,
i’m like a zoo animal.
yeah guess i’m hoping the monster gets back under the bed.
how to tell the monster i’m sorry,
screw TM,
i won’t go back,
i’l never do it to him again,
please go back,
i will feed you, i will let you live,
i’m sorry

Hey man, I don’t know what to tell you, but I’m sorry this is happening to you. I hope it gets better.

Hey @mudhorse (aka @wonderdunk) what’s goin on?


I hope you feel better @mudhorse. When I have trouble sleeping it seriously messes with my life and ability to go outside/work. It’s terrible. Trazodone has been helping me lately.

I’m sorry your mom left you alone in a crib. That happened to me too. I think it deeply affects emotional and brain development. You don’t learn to regulate your emotions. The loneliness never leaves.

ok i’m inimitable
perma banned,
i’ll go away,
but it is serving as an outlet,
guess the valid topic, though
is side effects of TM on schizophrenia…

Actually @mudhorse hold off leaving for now. The Mods are discussing the situation and we’d also like to get szadmins opinion.

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hey everybody it turned out ok,
got through my little crisis,
way quicker than in the old days,
but thanks for letting me type,
like i said i needed to do something,
and i knew picking up the phone
was wrong wrong wrong.
long story short, i have an obligation
not to eat like some people can eat
not to eat the stuff that i can’t handle,
not to get confused just cause other people can eat it
or cause i ‘got away with it’ last time.
and then i get to stay at the high vibration level,
which i really can’t leave anyway,
just that i know i shouldn’t be poisoning myself.
nnnnnope, just fish and vegetables,
and calm…
oh yeah i mean muddy horsey

I’m glad you’re feeling better.