Can anyone relate to this? Feeling super alone with my mental illness

I’m asking because it feels like I have a split mind, there’s reality which I feel like I’m losing touch with. Then there’s my OCD mind where there’s music playing in my head 24/7, voices that I can hear (I’m aware their in my head though), and then like voice/thoughts that say things like “f*** god” and then I perform the compulsions… It’s like never ending and I always have to do it it feels like I’m trapped. Keep in mind I’ve never had hallucinations externally before though. I’ve never seen anything or heard voices externally. I sometimes have a hard time telling if something internal is external but I know it’s not. I have a hard time thinking in my head and it always feels like I lose train of my thoughts and they have “thought insertion”. Ive been on SSRIs, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, and even mood stabilizers and nothing seems to really help me out. I’ve been on SSRIs since I was young and for a while I guess in my teens my OCD was better, then I got prescribed vyvanse for a couple years which I used to take everyday because it would make me feel better. I was able to think clearly and the music and noise would leave my head. Then I was able to at least get my stuff done, when I stopped taking / abusing these amphetamines (keep in mind I would take such a tiny dose. 20mg of vyvanse a day for like 3 years then 2.5mg of dexedrine a day for like a few years after) then I stopped taking them and all these issues started happening I started drinking to feel better and have a clear mind. I drank for like 3 years abusing it like multiple times a week. Since then I’ve had the realization and have been able to cut down my drinking quite drastically but I feel so terrible sober. It feels like my mind can’t comprehend reality and can’t think anymore. I’ve lost all my creativity I once had and the only thing I want to do is lay on my couch all day and just watch TV. When I’m in public I have panic attacks and worry about dying or fainting. Right now I take lexapro but it seems to just make my issues worse. I feel dizzy 24/7 like I’m gonna pass out, weak, and super jumpy. It messes with my mind and makes me feel like my thoughts are more real than they are. At one point I was getting visions of killing and hurting people and I would just feel so awful and guilty. I’ve flunked out of university I was attending and I feel so useless. I am so worried I’m a schizophrenic and that I’m slowly developing into it. I can’t even do simple tasks at this point because of the ocd voices and thoughts in my head that are just on repeat. It takes me 20 minutes to wash my hands sometimes. I just want to be back to reality.

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I have tried a lot of different medication and nothing has made the shadow people I see go away. I have learned to deal with it. Hopefully you will find a medicine that works.

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