Schizophrenia.com

Both myself and my husband have scz...he told me he did not love me


#1

Hi…I just need some moral support. Ever since we have been married…three months now…my husband has felt uncomfortable telling me that he loves me. I asked him today if he ever meant it when he said I love you and he said he did not mean it ever. I asked him why he said it, he said he just wanted to find out what I said back. But he would tell me like three times a day. Also, I asked him if he ever thought he would love me, he said no he never would. I asked him if he wanted to stay together, and he said it was up to me. I said yes. We have been going to therapy but he does not want to go anymore because he never really thought we had any problems. I go to the counselor on Monday. I just need to prepare what to say to the counselor. The thing is…actions speak louder than words…and I can tell he loves me. I talked with his mother, who is very supportive and she said she could tell he cares about me, and he has never been in a committed relationship before so he might be holding back so he won’t get hurt. What do you think? I’m not angry or upset because he was honest with me. She also said he has always had a hard time expressing his feelings. I also suspected the answer of “no I don’t love you” so emotionally prepared myself for it. Any advice?


#2

What is love really? Is it what we say or what we do? There certainly is a lot of hype about what is said. I tend to think it is what we do that can be defined as love, not what we think or say. Lots of people say lots of things and think lots of things. If I had someone standing around measuring my thoughts and words all the time, I wouldn’t feel like I was in love, I would feel I was being judged unjustly. Some people have a very strict and self centrict idea of love in action too, especially when they are on the recieving end and get to much of it.


#3

Actions speak louder then words. Take one day at a time. I hope all goes well X


#4

remember he is sz and a bloke, not the best combination.
as blokes we are not the best at showing emotion, we have the depth of a puddle sometimes.
it sounds like he does love you but is not very good at showing it, that is normal bloke stuff.
take care


#5

Thank you for your response. I agree that it would not feel loving if someone constantly judged what you say. My husband makes lots of comments off the top of his head without thinking about them before he says them. For the most part I take what he says with a grain of salt and focus more on what he does. He also has inappropriate laughter…a lot sometimes. He went to marriage counseling with me twice a week for two months and I learned that he is much more deep into schizophrenia than I am. I just have a mild case with other disorders different than his. like anxiety and OCD. I try not to be too OCD thinking about what he says or analyzing him…just let him be himself and I want to make him feel safe to be himself. I do love his honesty.


#6

I do agree with you, action does speak way louder than words. As an example, my ex wife used to tell me that she loved me - " I love you babe" all of the time, even during and after she cheated with someone else in our bedroom Words are just that, words. Words can many times ring hollow - empty and meaningless. I would go with actions any o’l day. But you can tell him that you would like to hear it once in a while - this might have to do with insecurity than anything else. It sounds like he does care about you from what was written -good luck in the future


#7

When I was in a group home after one of my hospitalizations, my kid sis would take the bus out to see me every Tuesday. Just her, at 10. It was her time to see me with no family around. She always brought her coloring books and tried to engage me in activity. I didn’t talk hardly at all because I was suffering some serious negative symptoms, (poverty of speech) I would wander off and not talk to her and drift away.

A few Tuesdays, she didn’t come at all. It really hurt me. She thought that because I didn’t say anything I didn’t care if she showed up or not. I loved her visits. So I was VERY surprised when she though that her visits with me didn’t matter.

I wasn’t good at showing it or expressing it, but just knowing that someone out there cared enough to come out and see me for a few hours really got me through some depressed and almost suicidal thoughts. When my meds got changed and my negative symptoms finally lost their grip, I had a chance to tell her that those visits gave me a huge boost out of my depression.


#8

don’t be in a hurry to judge. …at this time it may be an area he just “CAN’'t” deal with…sounds like a rough road ahead,.my blessings…


#9

I agree. Think about the little things. Words can be faked and so can big showy gestures (like three dozen red roses at your birthday or something like that) but I think little gestures are hard to fake. Especially when the other person thinks you are sleeping. People usually think I’m sleeping/not paying attention when I really am listening to every word they say. My Mom even confessed something to one of her friends that lead to me learning something traumatic because she didn’t think I was listening.
What does he do when he thinks you are asleep while he is awake? Does he kiss the top of your head before leaving the room? Adjust the covers so you are nice and toasty? Does he wake you up to put pillows under your head because he doesn’t think you have enough? Especially when you are sleeping somewhere uncomfortable like a couch.
Things you don’t expect are a good indicator too. Does he bring you a certain food/drink/candy that you like when you are sad? Think of all the times he has caught you off guard by doing something sweet on a not so special day.
Does he make things ok? I mean not just killing a spider, but catching it and releasing it into the wild so that you don’t have to see it die.
Any and all of those things are good indicators I think. It doesn’t have to be exactly those things either. I remember one person on here talked about how their son carried an arrowhead in his mouth so he wouldn’t say hurtful things to those he loved. That was a mother and her son, but stuff like that still counts. In fact, I kinda think it counts most of all. It shows whatever world, whatever delusion they are in they don’t want to see you hurt.


#10

My older brother visited me in the hospital and it was different from seeing my parents. I could talk about things other than my illness and how I was doing. He understands better, because he has MS.


#11

I enjoyed my kid sisters visits a lot. My parents discussed treatment, meds, therapy… it was all business. I sort of felt I had to measure up.

My kid sis just colored in coloring books with me and we talked a little of silly things sometimes. She’s 11 years younger, so I didn’t feel any judgement.