Borderline Personality (BPD) mind-shifting

Im so sick of everything being changed…I cant control it…whenever I am with people I change to someone else…its not about self-esteem or confidence…or self-love or that…But I am only just now starting to think about what it is or means…I wasnt diagnosed with it but 8 years ago I had a therapist try DBT and say that BPD was a biased label only used on women. Thats my only understaning or impression of it so since then I thought well then I must not have it or that its not a real personality disorder like it doesnt exist…but it could be a part of some of my suffering and confusion that I dont understand…I just feel like people stopped caring about me anyways–I reach out to therapists and all they see is a blank face and ask me questions but they assume there’s no one here underneath the surface. Like I am not a human with a voice or conscience and as if I dont express empathy. Since when did this label schizophrenia make people assume we cant feel emotions, pain, empathy, or that we aren’t capable of being good people, of taking care of kids or being responsible? How come its a constant battle to prove others that I am more than this word or assumption…

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People with autism sometimes do this. It’s called masking.


Actually that does make sense…

I am so tired of people how they treat me because I cant always comprehend their intentions, emotional expression, and I feel like Im constantly being turned inside out, expected to be this or that–I dont see how if I have autism and this is what is mostly what is upsetting me and making it hard for me to adapt to situations and social stuff–why the heck am I being put under the label of schizophrenia? I mean if I dont hear voices and hallucinate…then Im not schizophrenic. and if I am not depressed or happy all the time I am not bipolar…and if Im not allowed to be on stimulants i am not having adhd…so at most I have Autism where it appears that i have a blunted emotional response I have always been this way and I dont have schizophrenia. The event was situational and it always is for me but i have this idea/I can convince myself of anything/that if I stop the medication I will revert to the behaviors when I was sixteen before I was medicated.

Actually the times I was baker acted I was never actively psychotic before admitted thats odd. The first time was a suicide attempt, the second was breaking a family heirloom, the third was recently and I wasn’t really psychotic and I was trying to leave the ER so I didn’t have to go to the psyche ward. Its also shouldnt that be illegal to force someone to be hospitalized just based on their label?

Maybe if you have delusions?

I think you can have both autism and schizophrenia. I also think they’re pretty closely related.

I don’t have schizophrenia, but I am a person with autism who has had psychotic breaks. There are a lot of autistic people in my family and a couple with schizophrenia.

I dont have delusions. I know the difference between real and fake, fact and fiction. Im spiritual not religious and that is not delusional. Autism is why I dont feel so much emotion but I can put myself into other people’s shoes etc.

Right now I am listening to the notorious B.I.G. thinking about the future and how Im going to make money and have one. I am debating if I should reduce the meds Im on to pills not depot, thats made it worse, and my moms in denial of reality so there’s that…

The problem isn’t that I actually believe things that are disconnected or detached- but that I am always detached from what normal people are supposed to be.

Im so tired of this bs I dont want to have this label anymore.

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