Well I’m here because I have nowhere to turn really. I apologize, I am not able to organize my thoughts well. I went into a horrid depression in January and February. I just died inside, stopped caring about things I’d been passionate about, and was at the lowest productivity point I’d been at in years. Everytime I tried to get up, something knocked me down.
I’ve been plagued with infections, setbacks, losses and disappointments. I finally started coming out of the cellar two weeks ago, but flare-ups tore me up. Sick of the racket in my head, sick of the voices, but I can only choose what form of misery I want to go with.
Then, I’d hoped to at least meet with a counselor, they originally told me that I could see someone for a fee that I could afford, then I found out that the fee was going to be outside of what I can afford. I have no support from family, minimal support from friends. I have only two people in my life who I can tell the real truth to.
I’ve chosen a lonely and difficult path. Opinions I have are likely to be unpopular. Being anti-psychiatry and going my own way leaves me trapped right now, nowhere to turn for help or support. Giving me a pill or another pill is not going to actually help me or make me feel better. Not better, just different. I can pick my poison. The counselor I saw was trying to pull an explanation for my problem out of a textbook basically, I’m not paying you for that!
I was considering taking a few classes at a community college. My cognition, executive functions (for lack of a more appropriate phrase), and memory are deteriorating again, and it seems so hopeless right now. I’m drained, burned out, boxed in-can’t tell people what I really think or tell anyone what I’m struggling with. I’m frustrated with this world. If I were autistic or had Parkinson’s, people may have empathy. I have to hide everywhere I go.