Black Pit of Despair

Well I’m here because I have nowhere to turn really. I apologize, I am not able to organize my thoughts well. I went into a horrid depression in January and February. I just died inside, stopped caring about things I’d been passionate about, and was at the lowest productivity point I’d been at in years. Everytime I tried to get up, something knocked me down.

I’ve been plagued with infections, setbacks, losses and disappointments. I finally started coming out of the cellar two weeks ago, but flare-ups tore me up. Sick of the racket in my head, sick of the voices, but I can only choose what form of misery I want to go with.

Then, I’d hoped to at least meet with a counselor, they originally told me that I could see someone for a fee that I could afford, then I found out that the fee was going to be outside of what I can afford. I have no support from family, minimal support from friends. I have only two people in my life who I can tell the real truth to.

I’ve chosen a lonely and difficult path. Opinions I have are likely to be unpopular. Being anti-psychiatry and going my own way leaves me trapped right now, nowhere to turn for help or support. Giving me a pill or another pill is not going to actually help me or make me feel better. Not better, just different. I can pick my poison. The counselor I saw was trying to pull an explanation for my problem out of a textbook basically, I’m not paying you for that!

I was considering taking a few classes at a community college. My cognition, executive functions (for lack of a more appropriate phrase), and memory are deteriorating again, and it seems so hopeless right now. I’m drained, burned out, boxed in-can’t tell people what I really think or tell anyone what I’m struggling with. I’m frustrated with this world. If I were autistic or had Parkinson’s, people may have empathy. I have to hide everywhere I go.

So it’s typical that your family is being perfectionistic and can’t love you now that you’re not functioning to they’re standards. And, do you know what, there’s nothing you can do about it. There’s nothing you can say that will warm their cold hearts. I hope someone will come into your life who will care about you. You are not a doll to play with and drop when they don’t want to play with you anymore.


I suffer from depression, as do several persons with whom I’m close.

Depression seems to be like the fog. It rolls in, and no one really knows why, and later on it rolls out, and again no one really knows why.

I understand that exercise and sun light are good for depression. When I’m depressed, I’m not going to get to much anyway, and, therefore, I allow myself the luxury of long walks outdoors.


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hi poser. if u would like a friend to talk to about voices and depression then this is the place for sure. u r not alone and u will always find a friend here. who r ur voices exactly? how many do u have and what type of things do they say to u? i have many personalities in my head and they r vile to me, all the time. mine r mostly famous people all hating on me to keep a secret. who r urs?

-0- jelly bean hug for better feelings!
Why did you choose poser as a screen name? You do suffer. You are not posing at this.
Don’t let the depression trick you into believing you are worthless like it did to me.

Difficult to explain. They really don’t represent anyone. No names. It’s more like they way the voice sounds or its gender is related to emotions. I learned how to manipulate them and make them say things from my conscious mind, but it gets out of hand. Things do well up from the subconscious as well. When it gets out of control, they start to piss me off, saying things I don’t want on my mind, and things I don’t want to hear, and total gibberish and pointless nonsense. I get caught up in it, really feel like I’m having a conversation, and I have to remind myself that they are auditory hallucinations, and I am alone. I get the same male voices alot, well because I like them. Male voices more when I’m PO’d, female voices when I’m scared.

Funny you should ask that! 2 or 3 years ago, I came across the old forum on the site during my research to better understand the difference between different mental illnesses. This is embarrassing, but I became obsessed with it. I was sick in the head, and had the compulsion to post something that I now know was rude. (It was deleted, thankfully.)

I was never diagnosed as schizophrenic, but with Bipolar with Psychotic Features which I initially disagreed with. I was conflicted and confused, and felt that I should not be on the forum, that I was a troll.

According to my research, Schizoaffective is the closest fit, but in my latter years, I’ve come to the conclusion that the label is not what matters. It’s the understanding, the ability for me to relate to other’s struggles. I’d visited Bipolar forums, I can’t relate to most of it, and most of what I’d post about would not be well understood.

But I’m still a Poser, a stranger who meets me would likely never suspect that I have a serious mental illness.

Thanks everyone for the support. Much appreciated. I finally had a day off after 11 days, ran errands, the chaos in my head quieted down. Well, for one day anyway. At peace, quiet friendly banter in the voices, and some quiet time. Less nonsense in my head. One reprieve, then there is sure to be more drama. I prayed repeatedly to God to heal my mind, then later had some delusions but it cleared up.

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I think that if you are reading in order to educate yourself you aren’t trolling. I understand the feeling though. I initially got on here for the same reason, even though I am formally diagnosed with sza, because I wanted to write a love story where one partner was sz and I still felt like I didn’t belong.
You didn’t want to hurt anyone (which to me is the main characteristic of trolling) you just wanted to know. In other words you were refusing to accept the stereotypes about sz’s and learn the truth for yourself.
My rational side thinks that everyone should do this if there is an illness they don’t understand. If the site requires a log in to read, that’s different. They want their privacy and that should be respected.
But I think a place like this is for everyone to learn.