Bipolar and Productivity; Fulfillment of Goals and Overcoming Obstacles
"Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness When a person hears the word Bipolar, their mind immediately jumps to the depiction of roller-coaster mood swings and lashing out. Yet, this is not always the case with Bipolar disorder, Bipolar can also affect your thoughts. Some people, like myself, experience a different version of the mental illness where most of your symptoms are internalized.
My illness varies from depressive apathy, to euphoric mania which can be accompanied by a delusion or hallucination. I have not had the more severe experiences in about five years thanks to therapy and medication. Although my journey to recovery was a difficult one, it is not an impossible feat. It was two days after my fifteenth birthday that I had a full-on episode. I can remember it as clear as day. First there was the fever, then a slow numbing to the core with sounds around me heightening, and non-existent pain causing me such unbearable agony. Light burned, sounds screamed, and the depression was unbearable–it left me nearly incapacitated. My mood was so flat that people who hadn’t seen me prior had quickly judged it as something more severe. Prior to this episode I was living at a boarding school for high school students. My behavior was erratic for several weeks prior to my episode, and had also instigated feelings of neglect from other students, who either felt sympathy or who bullied and harassed me. I could not be talked down from the mania, from anyone, and eventually I had climbed so high that I leaped off of it into a severe depressive episode.
My dad consulted a doctor, and immediately jumped the gun by telling me fearfully: you might be smelling things that aren’t there, or tasting or sensing things that aren’t real. That didn’t happen though. What did happen was I listened to Sarah McLaughlin on repeat for hours on end, trying to divine any emotional contact from her words, and nothing I did was bringing me back to myself. I was trying to come back in my own way, but it was too painful. Then came the hospitalizations. I had been “betrayed” by my parents. I was put on Risperdal, and thus began the catatonia and there-after a suicide attempt. I walked into a field of water in winter and nearly froze to death. The second hospitalization which my dad had fought the insurance company to pay for turned out to be nine weeks of disaster. After the psychiatrist there finally told my parents that they could not keep me any longer for fear of making me worse, and several abuses which I reported in writing, I had post traumatic stress disorder
. At age sixteen, I left a meeting with my psychiatrist to find “Paranoid, Schizophrenia” circled on a sheet of yellow paper. This label continued to define me for several years, and caused me a very confusing internal dilemma. I began to mimic the behaviors of schizophrenics on forums, and applied the label to myself to understand what was wrong but I never had as frequent hallucinations. My dad was utterly convinced of it, as it was something to explain the catastrophe. But, I have Bipolar disorder and this was realized by my doctor when I was seventeen. Trauma caused my condition to worsen, and this was only after coming at odds with doctors who too quickly labeled my behavior as erratic, not eccentric. I actually began to hear voices for the first time when I was seventeen, inside the giant mental hospital where I was trapped. So does it matter what you call it? It doesn’t complete me, but in some ways it does matter how you define a person. If I had actually had someone to talk to those times in the hospital instead of being hurt and ridiculed for my behavior more-so from staff than the actual patients, I would have recovered more quickly. I’d not been so plagued, if they hadn’t tried to diagnose what they saw, and not the actual chemistry behind what they’ll never understand. I am still the same as ever, but there is definitely a scar. I endured severe trauma in an under-staffed hospital.
I wonder exactly what was going through their minds when they verbally harassed me; did they understand that I had just attempted suicide and was traumatized? The care here is lacking. The care everywhere is lacking, but the United States needs to repair its track record in mental health. Because if it weren’t for my voice, the same one which vocalized against treatment in the beginning, I wouldn’t have recovered my sanity. The same stubbornness that told me to say I didn’t want a certain medication was the same stubbornness that said I wanted to be healthy and recover. You don’t break someone to get them to comply, instead it’s better to put yourself in their shoes–and understand where they’re coming from. If you’re trying to break people who are sick, you are coercing and brainwashing them, not helping them. I feel that this point needs to be heard. I am on two medications now, and have been treated for this illness for six or seven years. The medication numbs the depression and activates my awareness.
It works to help with getting too deep in mania. I would not be better, had it not been for my family although stubborn themselves, they were all there for me when it mattered most. We have all learned from this mental illness, and I hope more people everywhere might someday learn what they can about Bipolar and other disorders. You can hear voices with Bipolar, it’s usually triggered by a traumatic event and was in my case. If people were more open to reaching out to those who need help, even when they’re manic, there will be more instances of recovery. Insight is the key to recovering and so is a sense belonging. We are not all meant to suffer through this madness alone to battle our demons in isolation. Create help. Create the conditions for recovery and repair the cracks in our establishment. Fight for liberty and live for humanity. Open your eyes. We can see too, and sometimes we can see a lot that many just can’t decipher this code: break the chains that bind us.