My normal state involves some level of detachment, like I’m always running on autopilot. I can talk to people, joke around with them, whatever, all while a bit detached. That’s comfortable for me. It’s when I come out of that detached state at work that it freaks me out a little. I’d say I’m not as detached as I used to be, considering it’s not as drastic of a change and not as bewildering when I come out of it, so maybe the Haldol is having an effect on that. But yeah, like today I briefly was fully engaged with everything/everyone around me, and it still was a little freaky. Everything suddenly was too real. Thank God it lasts only a minute or so before I slip back to my comfortable state.
I become afraid when reality hits me hard. When I become aware of the reality around me 200%. I belive that is a sign of relapse for me. When I feel connected to everything around me. I am small as an ant and huge as a pine at the same time. I become aware of every lifeform around me and feel connected to it. That is scary.
I used to be detached from everything. When I started taking Geodon, I suddenly became connected to everyone and everything. I started having a full range of emotions again, and actually caring about people. It really freaked me out for a long time, but I have learned to cope with it. Now, I prefer being connected, and I love my emotions. Even the negative ones.
I still have a full range of emotions, still feel things for people, just very rarely am I fully present. It has lessened some since the addition of Haldol, though, after having lessened some with starting the Abilify injections. I’m on both APs now.