Back on full disability

Sigh. I tried going back to work 16 months ago after nearly five years on full disability. My previous pdoc completely mismanaged it. She had me going a full 40 hour week. My jobs were all in offices, but i couldn’t do that anymore, so I did retail.

I very quickly started declining and over time tried many strategies while also reducing hours worked, specific duties, etc.

Today I saw my psych nurse practitioner (dumped my previous pdoc in January) and we made the decision to go back on full disability. I am not on SSDI, it’s my state employee long term disability insurance. So it’s just a matter of updating my outside income form and forwarding the doctor’s note.

I am both relieved and sad. I hope to one day reapply and start out with two 6 hour shifts to see if I can handle it, but right now I am far from that. I had a huge psychotic episode there on February 3 and yesterday was even worse than I thought possible. I obviously need to go back on full disability.

I know they like me, they’ve given me two employee awards, and my boss has always been super supportive knowing my limitations.

In hindsight I am livid with my former pdoc that she not only completely handled my return to work attempt wrong, but that she let my mental health get this bad. I didn’t have good insight until recently under the new psych nurse.

So yeah, relieved and also sad. We’re doing Genesight testing to find my ideal med cocktail. For now my job is getting stable.


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