Today I saw so clearly the pattern of my mind. How it works and how it responds to situation with automatic negativity.
I am still not able and probably won’t be able for long time to change that pattern but at least I can step back and look at how it functions.
It was just a minor incident. Somehow I dropped my phone behind the couch and I forgot about it. When it started ringing I I thought I’d just pull the couch and get it out but it wasn’t there and it was still annoyingly loud. I got nervous and tried to separate the parts of furniture to find it…and I accidentally ripped off a sidewalls of couch… It is a good ■■■■■■■ couch
And my mind goes: you worthless piece of ■■■■, you waste of air, can’t you do anything right. You are destroyer. You are such a loser. What made you think you can do the master thesis when you’re such a loser?
It was exactly like this and I started crying. Calmed down after an hour or so but the feeling stuck until the night.
Man, I am sorry for that Sara. You know everyone here luvs ya. Just remember that when you start thinking that way - My first thought was Damn! she strong! [quote=“Sarad, post:1, topic:54096”]
I accidentally ripped off a sidewalls of couch
[/quote]
@Sarad I can really relate to this. The horrible negative things I say to myself in my mind, I would never dream of saying to my worst enemy. Yet I say them to myself all the time.
And eventually this negative self-talk becomes a bad habit that is difficult to break. So, I guess, all you can do is to try and catch yourself when you start the self criticism. Unfortunately, this is easier said then done. I haven’t figured it out yet either.
Sarad, you’re an intelligent, kind, and beautiful young woman. You need to start seeing that in yourself, not just for you, but also for your young son.
You are not a worthless piece of whatever. However you are doing your master’s thesis you should be commended. It isn’t easy. I remember all of the hours that I spent on mine. I am normally a person that writes things in about as few number of words as possible. I did mine before I went on medication though.
Im only taking Wellbutrin right now and sometimes if I’m short with money I lower a dose on my own, like I’m supposed to take two pills but i take one instead or two pills every other day.
I suppose this much is common to most mental ilnesses: we have to adopt to the fact that there is some filth popping up in our conscious minds that we would not endorse when considerately reflecting on it. I have this with intrusive thoughts, and sometimes even think this is precisely why they take the form of intrusive. rather than deliberate thought. What’s difficult but also most helpful for me is to recognize when things get too extreme for me to endorse, and ‘take a step back’, and take something of an observer perspective on such thoughts. It still sucks then, because I have to be careful to not become upset about having to do this in the first place, about not being at home in my mind so to speak. I am most satisfied when I manage to do that nevertheless and find some minor (perhaps bodily) discomfort and see these thoughts as an exaggerated expression of that. And then say to myself something like, yes indeed, there is something mildly bothering me (in response to something like “I will kill myself”.) Sometimes it works better than other days though…
Anyway it is good for you to have noticed this relation, to have noticed how they arise, that can help with finding some detachment from them I think.
Thank you @flybottle.
Eventually I do get detached…until another flood of bad mood or accidental mistakes.
I think there is somewhere a border between “normal” people and “others” : they just don’t have than wild stranger in their mind who goes against them, they are content with whatever they are.
You helped me with something similar to this when I first came here. I think, for us, @flybottle is right, that we have to take a step back, not just from our thoughts, but from what we’re doing. There’s a child inside of us saying, now now now, I have to fix it now. And we get more clumsy, more foolish, and we end up making things worse, frantically trying to appease that child.
Think of yourself like you do with your son when he’s being irrational. Say to yourself, I know you’re upset, so take a time out. We’ll get back to this when we’ve calmed down a little.
It’s when we’re giving way to that child that the wild stranger sees his opportunity to attack, and there’s no stopping him when he does.
(I think he’s a bad parent, honestly, who doesn’t know how to do anything but scream at the child and insult her.)
[quote=“Sarad, post:1, topic:54096”]
. its not always like this, it changes… As we know it well 
that guy is such an ■■■■■■■.