Schizophrenia.com

As long as I can remember

I have never told anyone about this, ever. I can trace my whole life back to one event that happened when I was around the age of 4. I remember being part of a ymca daycare program because my parents both worked full time to make ends meat for us. Anyways, my first day there I remember being super shy and scared which is totally natural for a child in that situation, but this is where it gets a little more interesting. It was nap time and I was crying because I just wanted to be with my parents so a counselor rubbed my back until I fell asleep. I remember waking up and just feeling super weird. I couldn’t place it. Once I got older, even just a few years I had a learned about death. Every once in a while I find myself coming back to that nap and thinking that I died that day in my sleep. Even before my diagnosis, before psychosis, before the prodromal phase, before everything strange that I had no idea was coming I remember reflecting on waking up and feeling so strange, not like normal disorientation, but real ■■■■■■■ weird, and wondering if I had died and this is all just that final dream still.

are you on meds? have you missed a dose or more? you sound pretty delusional dude…sorry.

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Haven’t missed any doses. I have had this reflection from the age of probably 8 or so through my whole life. I have talked to my pdoc about the delusion of being dead and it’s called cotard’s delusion. It was more I wanted to put this out there on account I have never told anyone, not even my family or pdoc, ever.

Our minds play tricks on us. I keep thinking I died in my suicide attempt… Anyway, don’t dwell on it too much.

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I was very worried that people on the bus (and other crowded places) could read my mind. It started many years before the prodromal phase. I would repeat sentences in my mind over and over until I got off the bus to block them from learning things about me. Now that I’m on meds this has stopped and I don’t believe anyone can read my mind. You didn’t die, dude.

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May be taking nap for you is like losing consciousness… Sometimes I do have this feeling as well, and it ends up someone calling out my name.

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