Many years ago when I was at my worst, I was given ECT and even thought it has worked for others so well, it didn’t feel like it worked for me at all. My entire brain felt erased.
I had no sound in my head. I couldn’t hear myself thinking, I had no voices and I hated that.
It scared me so much to have such a quiet mind. So vastly… overwhelming silent. I wanted my old brian back. I accused the nurses of taking my brain when I was put under and I would beg them to give me my brain back.
I remember feeling so confused and so panicky and lost trying to find something familiar in my head… anything to let me know that I was still alive.
Maybe it was just the shock of having noisy chaos in my head for so long and then in one swoop… having silence the next. I wasn’t ready maybe… to loose my head circus so quickly?
I was so disoriented. Eventually they came back and I was so relieved. There were bad days again, but it felt back to my standard. It felt familiar. When I felt like I was in familiar head space I could calm down because it’s what I’ve always known.
I don’t think I was prepared for such internal transformation. So that really freaked me out and upset me. Maybe if I had been counseled out of my panic, I would have been Ok to finish the treatment… but my parents just saw me as getting worse due to ECT.
I’ve been OK with my voices. Good days, bad days, odd days… we’ve all been there.
But lately, my voices have been fading even more. I have to really sort of poke around in my head to find them. When I’m stressed or tired, they come out. But most of the time… they are getting quieter and quieter. I’ve been OK with that.
I’ve been changing my mind about my voices… not relying on them or listening to them and they seem to be fading. I don’t know if I really want to loose them. Maybe it’s a misfire that will always be there… they do amp up a little sooner… but they fade sooner too.
As I’ve been changing my mind about needing my voices to navigate my head… my voices have been changing and little by little growing more distant.
Thanks for reading…
It’s been one of those mornings…