As I've changed my mind.... my mind has been changing

DX'd - Other
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Many years ago when I was at my worst, I was given ECT and even thought it has worked for others so well, it didn’t feel like it worked for me at all. My entire brain felt erased.

I had no sound in my head. I couldn’t hear myself thinking, I had no voices and I hated that.

It scared me so much to have such a quiet mind. So vastly… overwhelming silent. I wanted my old brian back. I accused the nurses of taking my brain when I was put under and I would beg them to give me my brain back.

I remember feeling so confused and so panicky and lost trying to find something familiar in my head… anything to let me know that I was still alive.

Maybe it was just the shock of having noisy chaos in my head for so long and then in one swoop… having silence the next. I wasn’t ready maybe… to loose my head circus so quickly?

I was so disoriented. Eventually they came back and I was so relieved. There were bad days again, but it felt back to my standard. It felt familiar. When I felt like I was in familiar head space I could calm down because it’s what I’ve always known.

I don’t think I was prepared for such internal transformation. So that really freaked me out and upset me. Maybe if I had been counseled out of my panic, I would have been Ok to finish the treatment… but my parents just saw me as getting worse due to ECT.

I’ve been OK with my voices. Good days, bad days, odd days… we’ve all been there.

But lately, my voices have been fading even more. I have to really sort of poke around in my head to find them. When I’m stressed or tired, they come out. But most of the time… they are getting quieter and quieter. I’ve been OK with that.

I’ve been changing my mind about my voices… not relying on them or listening to them and they seem to be fading. I don’t know if I really want to loose them. Maybe it’s a misfire that will always be there… they do amp up a little sooner… but they fade sooner too.

As I’ve been changing my mind about needing my voices to navigate my head… my voices have been changing and little by little growing more distant.

Thanks for reading…

:coffee: :coffee: :coffee: :coffee: :coffee: :coffee:

It’s been one of those mornings…

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I never looked at it from this point of view… Of course that must be shocking having lived with something for so long and then… it’s finished.
I’m glad you are doing better. Thanks for all the insight that you’ve given me (and others) You seem to have come a long way.

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I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. I have had my problems as well. I am very happy that you are alright with them fading. I know it’s a little strange to have them not speaking to you, but it really is for the best in the long run.

-Rin

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Welcome back… haven’t seen you in a while… how are you?

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I’m doing fine :slight_smile: sorta XD but how are you doing?

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life ticks on… some things have been very cool and going well… other’s have been making me ponder more and work harder.

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When I was on the higher dose, and my music went away, it was quite jarring. I was so used to it being there that when it wasn’t, it felt wrong. I was relieved, but also kinda creeped out. Of course, the higher dose also made me numb and slow, so I hated it overall, and I feel like I’m better off with the lower dose as long as the grosser symptoms don’t come back, but there was a part of me that was glad for the silence anyway.

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@RowanAmethyst, your right… nothing really prepares you for silence. I wish someone would have warned me how jarring it could be.

My whole coping tools and how I function was all based around my head circus. Then to have no circus… it was like my corner stone got taken away.

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Very interesting thread.

I guess for me when my own head circus began to subside I began to feel like my old self again. It was the voices or thought broadcasting or whatever…the…the…mind whispers? that was truly a relief for me to be rid of. I felt for the first time in years that I finally had some privacy in my own head.

For me it was my false memories that have been difficult to let go of and though I no longer believe they are true memories of things I experienced I’m not sure I want to entirely let go of them. I just find this creation of my mind just too darn interesting to want to forget. But they no longer are the basis for delusional thinking as much as I might re-examine them from time to time.

I guess I never got to the point of feeling that my symptoms were a normal part of who I was but could see this happening. I only experienced them consistently for about six years and my onset wasn’t until a good ways into my 20’s so I was by far more used to who I’d been without the symptoms than who I was with them.

Me I’m just relieved and grateful to be rid of all that noise and chaos in my head…yikes was it driving me nuts…

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I think what did me in was at that time in my life… so much was changing so quickly. I just got pulled through rehab… I was in hospital, I just had my circus escalate to a level never previously felt and then all of a sudden… empty.

I was not expecting a full brain wipe. If the first treatment would have done a little, and the second a little more… the third a little more… I could have dealt with that. But here today… gone tomorrow… I couldn’t figure myself out.

I do still have the false memories and the disjointed thinking and the kidnappers creep in along with some of my other sneaky brained thinking.

But back then, I was 18 or so… to much, to fast, not ready…

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Hugs In a way, it is a good thing you cannot hear them anymore. That way, you can focus on things like friends and family, J. I cannot focus my mind BECAUSE of the voices in my head. It makes it hard to do things at school, and as a result I might not graduate this year. So I guess it is a good thing you cannot hear them anymore.

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I hope you can get some help or something so you can graduate. Good luck and I know it’s hard when the mind is so busy and buzzing.

I’m rooting for you.

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I can understand your feeling, J. It seemed the medication served you better than before. This is a good thing. You will soon get used to a brain that has no circus and you are exactly the only master of your own brain. You win the full sovereignty over your brain.

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I very much like that term… thank you for that.