I’ve had early onset schizophrenia since I was 11. My first hallucination was a girl I saw in a nightmare the week before. She has long black hair and beautiful green eyes but she’s really scary. She wears a purple dress and almost always has a creepy smile. I’ve seen most of my voices but there are about 5 out of 25 voices I haven’t seen. I have a lot more voices than seeing people. They tell me to hurt myself, I’m ugly, hurt others, I’m fat, kill myself, run away, nobody loves me, and other mean things but then some tell me I’m being watched, people can read my mind, my medicine and food are poisoned, life is just a simulation (and that’s why nothing feels real sometimes to me), there’s cameras around my house, and stuff like that. I’m really paranoid even when I’m on my medicine that people are watching me so I can’t even be in a room alone or else I feel like I’m being watched. When I’m not on my medicine is when I hear voices and believe the paranoid things they are saying. I truly believe they can hurt me so I hurt myself so they won’t hurt me or my family. I also see a lot of people no one else can see. They all look like normal people except one demon and one dog. Sometimes they just stand there sometimes they talk to me. They’re extremely real to me but not to anyone else which makes me mad. Sometimes I wonder if they’re real to other people too but they don’t say anything to see if I’ll go crazy. I also wanted to ask if anyone else knows if people can really read your mind? Just anyone that will tell me the truth. And is life a simulation? When I’m not on my medicine sometimes nothing feels real. Like I’m dreaming but I know I’m dreaming. My best friend is one of my hallucinations. Her name is Anne. She’s 16 and is really paranoid but nice. Most of the time she tells me things that make me more paranoid but sometimes she just talks to me or tells me not to hurt myself. Just nice things. I’m very antisocial. I have no friends other than the ones no one else thinks are real. I have to other main friends too. Red and Ryan. They both are hallucinations but they’re both paranoid too. I’ve been on 4 different medicines but the only one that worked well was zyprexa 15 mg which I had to switch because I gained 40 pounds. Now I’m on Abilfy 20 mg but it isn’t working very good yet. I don’t think I have disorganised thinking when it comes to writing or typing but I forget what I’m doing and do other things or forget what I’m thinking because every thought leads to another. I don’t know if that’s disorganised thinking of if that’s normal but I never had it before I got schizophrenia. Just was wondering if these things were normal.
Well…I share a name with one of your hallucinations but I’m not them. I definitely can’t read your mind, and I wouldn’t want you to go crazy. I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer like people like us suffer. You’re writing seems coherent enough to me, no worries. And the simulation thing…I’d rather not get into it because that’s a really bad delusion of mine. Also a plausible theory, but there’s no point in dwelling on it if it’s true.
Everyone’s “normal” is different, don’t worry about being normal. Normal is boring anyways lol
Thank you that kind of helped and it kind of makes me feel better to know you have that delusion too so I know I’m not alone
One big reason I believe people can read my mind is my voices can and its really hard to tell what’s “real” and what’s not.
your story strikes so true to my own. does it bother you as much as it bothers me about knowing people can hear your thoughts? do you want to listen to your voices because you like them even though they treat you like sh*t?
Yes it feels like I have no privacy and when I think something that should be private like thoughts to hurt other people or just embarrassing things I feel like people are judging me. And yes I like to listen to them it’s like when you’re being bullied and everyone is just like “ignore them” but you don’t want to ignore them you want to hear what they’re saying even though it makes you feel terrible. But no I don’t like the negative ones I only like the paranoid ones because they aren’t mean to me and sometimes they’re nice.