Apathy and anger

DX'd - Other
1

I feel like I find myself feeling nothing, and when I do feel, these are the only things I feel. Even when I am doing well in school, I just feel numb. I think I may be unique in that I get angry at my schizophrenia- I have outlets like weightlifting for my anger, but I get sad because I realize that anger is maybe the feeling I live for. Just getting angry and lifting as much as I can, and being sore the next day, it’s all I really do other than study and go to class. I just feel so empty sometimes, I feel like I have an internal cycle of anger and pain, I spend my free time being angry and lifting or being sore and feeling apathetic or like life is pointless. I do very well in school, I got a letter saying I was in the top 15% of my class. I just feel like I want my life to go somewhere, but I just sit through class doped up and then take my supplements and go to the gym.

I have entered remission, but it’s not what I expected. I did expect to feel sad, but I am still angry at myself for smoking pot when I was a teenager and I still get angry when my symptoms leak through the medication. I just realize that I live for being pissed off and lifting weights. It’s sad. I tried dating a couple girls but it just made me feel dependent and that pissed me off too. It’s like whatever I do, I just get pissed off, and then I feel better. I’ve torn muscles before and I dont have formal training, so my weightlifting is not exactly healthy. I tested in the 75% for psychopathic deviance on the MMPI-2 and I am a good person, but I realize that I just enjoy feeling aggressive. I was bullied a lot as a kid and molested once.

I have always thought that aggression was the answer to my problems. It started with beating up a bully when I was 13 and being praised for it, and it developed into wanting to be in the military (cant, schizophrenic).

Does anyone else get angry with their schizophrenia?

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hi yes I get angry too you know when you say you don’t like being dependant on anyone and it pissed you off we are all dependant on each other we are social creatures.
finda kind nice girl and laugh together and your doing really well but like a lot of us being to hard on yourself.

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I was watching a dvd last night,
bunch of ex wives complaining about their husbands…
“mine was a workaholic, mine was a workaholic and an alchoholic.”
and you are a weight lifter, another method of filling the emptiness,

which is exactly what i was thinking when those ex wives complained -
i said they are standing here saying they are so full,
so full of life and meaning, and complain that the husbands they found
were empty, and so had to fill themselves up with work-ahol, alchohol, weight-lifting-ohol, etc.

not angry and lifting, demons contact you via the language center and tell you life is meaningless, no different from the audio hallucinations behind your back going “idiot” “stupid!” “fool”…

hey these delusions happen to everybody.
don’t need drugs to get past that, in fact i can’t see how drugs could possibly help,
all that stuff does is make you drowsy, close the third eye for a little while and take a
nap…

the demon suggests apathy, it’s nonsense, it’s absurd!
the demon suggests emptiness -
my iciclistic defense points to the stars for evidence -
the sun, the moon, not drinking alchohol, working at a job, or weight lifting…
how full, how full of meaning and purpose while they are so still !!!

anger is the main thing the demons suggest we get.
they suggest we get strong,
beat up the bully, then bully whoever we can,
till we get destroyed.
they aren’t looking out for our best interest.

“wine, lust, wealth, and temper are the four high walls -
how many lost souls are imprisoned within them?
If only a mortal man can jump over them and escape -
That is the divine immortals’ recipe for eternal youth”

  • quote from “The Story of Han Xiangzi - the alchemical adventures of a taoist immortal”

I think that is more in our interest.

-wonderdonkey

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4

I have a lot of anger problems, and for this I am seeking new counseling. It happens in the form of violent thoughts that torment me. I think I have a lot to be angry about, and this is why I think counseling might be effective.

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I went through a huge anger phase. I was angry at my SZ, my family, my life. All it did was drive away my family, really hurt my parents and my sis. It drove away the few friends who would have stayed by my side, and due to my anger and lack of caring AT all for anyone… it left me so alone I ended up homeless. Since I was alone, I convinced myself I would be better off dead. I almost made it.

I was sure that I lost a lot of friends due to my SZ. But now that I’ve been to therapy and anger management and have come to see that anger on that level has done nothing for me and I’ve been able to drop it… some people have come back into my life.

They say they didn’t leave me due to my SZ. They left me due to me being an angry and constantly abusive person.

Some of my friends can handle hours of my delusional babbling… But they were not going to put up with hours of me cussing them out for no reason. I’d recommend anger management to anyone who thinks it’s hurting their ability to keep a friend.

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I am very conscientious and I am the good guy in my group of friends…i just hurt myself. I never cut myself but I did burn myself with cigs and I used to workout no matter how sore I was. It’s more of a problem with enjoying being angry. It’s maybe my favorite feeling, that and getting my grades back and seeing A’s. I did lose my ■■■■ one night when I was super drunk and began acting violent, I was taken to a crisis assessment center by 7 cops. I didnt resist, I had enough brain cells that were sober and sane enough to not fight the police. I havent done anything harmful to anyone but I just start to hate myself for having hobbies which involve being angry- how else do you lift nearly three times your weight off the ground? I make up for it with outstanding performance in school, but I still feel like I have some demons to deal with.

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I can see how getting angry can help you lift that much… For me, if you bring you anger to the ocean… she will kick your butt. Don’t surf angry.

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I’m pretty sure you enjoy being angry because you don’t feel anything else. You said you don’t have a lot of feelings and you feel empty. Well that’s why you enjoy being angry because you other feelings don’t come out.

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9

agreed…I also tested in the 75th percentile for psychopathy on the MMPI-2, a formal evaluation. I have some separate issues from schizophrenia, im sad to say. I have always known I was a little psychopathic and I have only been needlessly violent once in my entire life. I was the victim of violence for the most part growing up. I think now that the medications have cleared up most of my schizophrenic symptoms, I am seeing my real self again, and I don’t always like what I see in myself.

The good thing is that I am a psych major and and I see an outstanding psychologist, so I am aware of myself and I try to be good. I just end up doing the same things, that’s what bothers me. I am doing well to change how I think though, I have scored very highly in conscientiousness in online personality profiles…like in the 98th percentile, so that outweighs my psychopathic score.

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I have problems with anger too. I’m angry a lot. It’s like what Caroline said “I have a lot to be angry about”.

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i used to be angry at everything, people , society…etc…
but i then realized that though i was angry it was not changing anything, the people i wanted punished were not suffering and i was just feeling rubbish about my self.
i then realized that being kind was a far more powerful weapon.
my enemies in my mind wanted for me to be miserable and angry…so i chose to be kind and help random people, just little things…it made me feel good so i still do this today.
i discovered a self love by my actions.
take care…hoping you are having a better day, know some one cares.

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