I feel like I find myself feeling nothing, and when I do feel, these are the only things I feel. Even when I am doing well in school, I just feel numb. I think I may be unique in that I get angry at my schizophrenia- I have outlets like weightlifting for my anger, but I get sad because I realize that anger is maybe the feeling I live for. Just getting angry and lifting as much as I can, and being sore the next day, it’s all I really do other than study and go to class. I just feel so empty sometimes, I feel like I have an internal cycle of anger and pain, I spend my free time being angry and lifting or being sore and feeling apathetic or like life is pointless. I do very well in school, I got a letter saying I was in the top 15% of my class. I just feel like I want my life to go somewhere, but I just sit through class doped up and then take my supplements and go to the gym.
I have entered remission, but it’s not what I expected. I did expect to feel sad, but I am still angry at myself for smoking pot when I was a teenager and I still get angry when my symptoms leak through the medication. I just realize that I live for being pissed off and lifting weights. It’s sad. I tried dating a couple girls but it just made me feel dependent and that pissed me off too. It’s like whatever I do, I just get pissed off, and then I feel better. I’ve torn muscles before and I dont have formal training, so my weightlifting is not exactly healthy. I tested in the 75% for psychopathic deviance on the MMPI-2 and I am a good person, but I realize that I just enjoy feeling aggressive. I was bullied a lot as a kid and molested once.
I have always thought that aggression was the answer to my problems. It started with beating up a bully when I was 13 and being praised for it, and it developed into wanting to be in the military (cant, schizophrenic).
Does anyone else get angry with their schizophrenia?