Sometimes - most often when I’m around doctors and authority figures - something comes over me and suddenly it’s like I’m locked behind a wall. And EVERYTHING I feel goes completely numb and is replaced with this static and I can never remember exactly what was happening. To the point where I’m considering recording my Dr appointment next week in case something bad happens again. And it is literally like I am completely well and normal, I am genuinely not sick in those moments - but those moments aren’t “real” and the strength of my belief in it indicates Severe illness
It’s not me doing it, I know that. Something else is speaking for me and trying to protect me, but I don’t want that anymore, I want to change and get better. It lies so well and it makes everyone think I’m making things up because it doesn’t let me say anything
I’m sick of it now that I know what it is I’m frustrated and want it to go so I can get help, I don’t want to be normal, I want to be me. I want to control my body and words and thoughts