I’m looking for some suggestions. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for five weeks. We’re both shy and conversation seems hard sometimes. We have had some good conversations but the silence is deafening sometimes. I really want to get to know him better but don’t know what to ask. I’ve tried writing down things I could talk about and researching questions to ask, but I’m a very quiet person and it’s hard for me to have conversations. I’m trying to change this part of my personality and be more outgoing but my mind goes blank when we’re together. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you.
You can talk about general everyday topics, like the weather, hobbies, sports, nature, gardening, celebrity gossip or whatever. Or you can ask him questions about different things, see what his response will be and form a small discussion around his answers
Thanks Wave…I’ll try that
It sounds like you have social anxiety - which is common. You might try seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist about it. Therapy or medications can help a lot. If you reduce the fear of being judged negatively for things you might say - then conversation can flow freely.
On the medications side - there are things like Xanax and gabapentin. Many people on this site use these medications and people here will tell you how positive they can be. On the therapy side there is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for anxiety. these are the two most proven approaches.
Here are some links and videos that might help:
Medications - click on the links below to learn more:
It’s usually safe to ask people about their hobbies, what tv shows and movies they like, what kind of music they like, what are their favorite books, what foods they like, do they like certain sports, do they like to go to museums…
Small stuff that you might discover you both have in common. While sometimes opposites attract, most good couples seem to share a lot of common interests. That’s kind of what the date is for so that you can find out what you both have in common.
My wife and I both like Art, old sitcoms, rock and roll, walking, eating healhty, going to museums, coffee, some praying, plus we trade notes about our sz. We each have a 90 year old parent and like renting in the suburbs.
It’s usually best to not dwell on religious or political stuff too early in a relationship unless you are both really comfortable talking about it. Having differences here are not a deal breaker unless you totally don’t like their ethics. My wife and I have pretty similar opinions about politics and religion most of the time and we are both pretty moderate.
Sometimes it is nice to share a funny story from your past… Light anecdotes are great… Or if you’ve taken any vacations somewhere that’s nice to talk about too.
Also if it is just a first couple of dates you probably don’t want to bring up too much of your own problems unless you think he can have some comprehension and empathy towards them, Also try not to dig too deep into his worries and concerns and problems early on… It’s enough to know the superficial stuff for as long as you like…
Don’t let a little silence scare you… It sounds like you both are pretty quiet people which is already something you both have in common
Just have some fun…
Sometimes it’s good to even just tell each other some dumb jokes when you both are feeling more comfortable with each other… I always preferred dating someone with a good sense of humor but sometimes people can be a little stoic.
As far as pills go, a mild sedative might help take the edge off being nervous for you but it still helps to have some ideas on what to explore.
I was like that with a girlfriend from high school. I did pretty well to talk but she was pretty quiet and I was pretty crazy, so it only lasted a few months. I ask people ■■■■ like what they think about this, what they think about that, whats your favorite this ■■■■ that ■■■■, do you mind if i say the word ■■■■, what books do you like, what do you want to do in life, what is that ■■■■ you said you do, what do you think about this ■■■■, and I talk about myself a fair bit but dont just ramble on.
I remember it would get quiet in the car with the girlfriend from high school and I would be like “tell me something i dont know about you” and she would come up with something most of the time or just laugh and say she didnt know. Eventually we opened up to eachother. Then I got progressively more psychotic and wouldnt make physical contact with her and it went to ■■■■.
Today is a ■■■■ day, sorry about the ■■■■.
Sorry to hear that mortimer… I remember having a lot of ■■■■ days in college too Most of the time I ate lunch alone and would often wander around the campus not really sure what I should do. I only got my degrees by the skin of my teeth even though I started out in the honors program. I flunked four of my five courses one semester because I took too much on. I lost a couple of my scholarships, got kicked out of the honors program because I couldn’t maintain a 3.7GPA, and didn’t make much on my part time jobs. The majority of my professors didn’t really seem to care about their students. It was all a process of artificial selection to them.
I hear ya… College really sucks sometimes
Go easy on yourself… It’s okay to be within one standard deviation sometimes
You are special. But you don’t have to make that your biggest selling point. I hope you are going into your degree with the intention of helping someone someday otherwise the money and status probably ain’t going to be sufficient to keep you going. Studying physics and computer science was a great intellectual exercise (and damn humbling one) for me, but it didn’t help me build a life… helping others is the only thing that is going to do that. You help me and a lot of others on this board and I think that is more important than pulling an “A” in a class.
Sorry if I am assuming your shitty day was due to your classes, but it sounds like you have a pretty heavy load.
@SzAdmin Thanks for the resources! I think it is social anxiety as it helps when I take Klonopin. My pdoc is against benzos so I have to ration my supply and save them for ECT. I feel it is unfair that she is like that but I like her in every other respect so I’ll just have to deal. It’s a good idea as something to bring up with my tdoc as it is a fear of not saying the right thing mixed with my mind being blank.
@keepsimple Thanks for the advice. We do have a lot in common and have had some good conversations. He’ll sometimes tell me a funny story and I have made him laugh too. We both have a mental illness and he’s heard voices in the past, but I get embarrassed to talk about my symptoms eventhough he probably would be very accepting.
Thanks @mortimermouse for the advice. I don’t mind if you say ■■■■. Thanks for telling me your experience. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with her. You’ll find someone, you’re still young. I’m 30 and finally getting my ■■■■ together and finding Jason was a dream come true. He always pays, pulls the chair out for me, holds the door, and says sweet things that boost my self-esteem. Btw I’m sorry you’re having a ■■■■ day. Don’t let one day bring you down. You’re still early in your recovery so give yourself time to learn how to handle stress.
Thanks for your replies and reading my post.
I’m 42 with 2 children and could probably count on my fingers the number of dates that I have been on. One date was awful. I really liked the guy but we were both shy so it was an awkward evening. Luckily when I met my hubby he was the opposite of shy so carried the conversations.
You could try playing cards or some other type of board game that way you are interacting but without the added pressure of needing to carry a constant conversation. There is also picking TV shows or movies that you may both like and that you can have small conversations about while watching. Animated movies may work.
That’s a great suggestion Barbie! We have watched a movie together and it was something to talk about after. We could try playing cards as we both like to do that. I was thinking of inviting him over to listen to Dark Side of the Moon and watch this projector I have. It’s cool it’s like a lava lamp but bigger and is projected on the wall. One of the things I really want is to french kiss him. We’ve kissed but he always pulls away and then gives me a second kiss. It’s sweet and I enjoy it but I want to experience more with him. I really care about him and I know he cares about me so I’m really happy.
talk about how a relation should be to work, this can reveal expectations and many other things.
@aliali That’s true I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks.
im actually talking to my ex again…oh boy
…i mean oh ■■■■
I love books and I usually end up finding people who love books so we talk about that. Also, instead of chatting, I will show a girl some of my favorite parks and hidden gems around the city.
I am glad to hear school is ok…sorry for me jumping to conclusions (I do it so well :))
Im done with school, I made a 4.0 this semester! I just woke up randomly at 4am psychotic this morning. I talked to my psychologist and he explained thats because xanax has the opposite effect 8 hours after you take it. So now I need to take xanax before bed.
it’s ok,■■■■ HAPPENS
Sometimes shared silence is a good thing in a relationship. Just enjoying each others company without talking can be nice.
Wow congratulations! That’s awesome… Easy does it though… The courses get tougher. Make sure you take your next classes in the right sequence… That messed me up… I was trying to take diff eqs at night while learning advanced classical mechanics. My profs thought I could handle it but I blew the classical mechanics because the diff eq prof wasn’t so good at night (the course was a bit condensed and simplified for adult night students) I got a B in mechanics and an A in diff eq but the lousy diff eq course just made all the subsequent courses harder later on. Not sure what the equivalent courses are in your degree but you wanna do everything in the right order and get competent profs. Be careful if you are taking summer courses… They are way too condensed in my opinion and missing lots of pieces. They are ok for electives but not for your general degree. I took a physics class over the summer and that was not such a great idea in retrospect either. If you have to take a degree course this summer fill in the gaps on your own before fall.
But for now… Enjoy sweet victory!
(Sorry for the unsolicited advice but I hate to see people repeat my mistakes)