got nothing to do… start it right with a cup of coffee and doing the dishes that built up over the last few days…
what chy’all up to out der?
got nothing to do… start it right with a cup of coffee and doing the dishes that built up over the last few days…
what chy’all up to out der?
I reached a million coins on 8ball, level 80 on my new account, very proud of myself
@Minnii Lol I can not play games at all.
@Azley gonna hang around here for a while, design a little bit maybe, I have to pack little bit too. Not much is going on today… lazy day.
same same… just going sit here and type… moving onto my second cup of coffee…
I’m still sensitive though a little bit. I have some symptoms showing up recently. My judgement is still ok I think but I just feel a little sensitive. I have doc on thursday and he increased my med last week.
are you doing alright @Azley
I’m sorry to hear all that…
I’m doing much better today than I have been…
made the mistake of rereading a note from that girl about a week ago… fell in love all over again and it’s been a total stress-or this time because she isn’t here… we currently aren’t really speaking and even though I could reach out things were left on a very good note… and I don’t want to muddy it up with more of my distant desperate romantic crap. She’s a busy girl… she’ll come back around at some point…
I cycle between trying to learn to be myself and that becoming boring… to dwelling on thoughts of her until I’m frustrated in all ways because life keeps trying to distract me from doing so properly… it’s not a good thing to do at work… my best friends are talking to me and inside its like “shut up I’m trying to think about the girl”… and while I do really enjoy talking to them… it’s just this irrational blasphemy that crops up… then that ainxes me out even more… so I gotta sort it out… I will say her presence in my mind is a very insulating thing against the noise and ■■■■■■■■ and degradation of SZ…
Obsessing over her basically overpowered my schizophrenia… so that was a success… it’s almost like a wall… I just consult the “v” which is a hallucination of sorts… largely based on her personality but can morph into whoever I want it to… provides emotional feedback which stabilizes me… it’s highly erratic but in them moments when I need to be reminded most that people are out there that do care about me… one amazing and beautiful and compatible woman included… I always cook up some way to get the “v” smiling at me… then I fall back to more rational thinking of the vague outline of the unfolding of coming months…
working with this one guy in particular is a blast… I totally forgot that the dude has seen all the same shows that I have and has more or less the same appreciation for the stuff… It’s a rare thing to come across…
then the other dude was my old pot smoking buddy back in high school…
so life’s good… I’ve just got to learn patience… things still aren’t moving as quickly as I’d like. This should be the last month that I ever run into these weeks of poverty at the end of the month… It is quite clear that by the end of the year I’ll have accomplished all of the goals I cooked up while living on my own for the first 6 months… material possessions and starting to exercise and all that…
that’s the formal report miss
aw… I’m kinda glad you think about her though… I love that obsessive feeling… keeps life circling and blood pumping… I had that too, I just moved on. you need to realize something… the brain has a trick to make things grand and bigger than necessary. I know, talking is easy but take it easy… if it’s helping you feel better and more positive then great. If you think you should be together, just try to get closer somehow. you will move on you know if you let it go.
Good luck at work. :o)
thanks… I too have been in love with another one before…
but for some reason churning over it again and again I always find new potential insights into her… It’s going to take a long time… but I hope someday I might finally get to know who she is… she’s just fascinating to me… even the parts of her that put me off…
I’m learning a lot about myself in the process too… so for now I’ll stick with it. I have plenty of down time.
but thanks again for the reminder.
I guess I can totally relate. This guy I talk to… I don’t want to let him go even though I should 100%. Maybe it’s an addiction. I don’t have feelings or anything, I like him and I enjoy him. I will settle down soon but I would never cheat or do something. I simply want to keep him close
Well if he’s cool with that then that might make for an excellent friendship.
I was speaking with that friend who knows about the show about this topic… I don’t really see it as clear as the moment of insight that briefly passed during the discussion…
it really is important for me to see her as a friend… even before the total domination of the love I feel for her in my mind… because that’s how she wants it… I had been kind of pouring over that concept for a while and it made no sense to me… but the moment of insight showed me that that could be really really cool… I think it was because my friend’s character has that sort of nature embedded into it… it was sort of inspiring and showed me how it could be possible to just be a distant rock for her to rest upon at times.
The only problem is life is drab as ■■■■ when she’s not around… I literally have to make as much noise as possible just to distract myself from that fact.
I do hope she opens up… She’s shown just about ever hypocritical stance on the matter throughout her statements… She enforces the side that it’s not going to happen more strongly… but she clearly thinks about it…
She’s also reassured me that she appreciates something about me that she hasn’t ever found anywhere else or in anyone else… So I know that her and I are going to be friends. Distant or not… I could never cut her out of my life… and wouldn’t even if I wanted to… too many people have done that to her before… She deserves better than that… or at least I believe that strongly enough that regardless of what happens I’d never turn her away if she wanted to talk…
Meanwhile she is still just a single chick out there exploring life and herself… I wouldn’t really want to take that away from her either. Though I’m hoping that if/when she turns to settling down… I get to be candidate numero uno… and it’s not just going to be some situation of convenience… that her and I could have a fulfilling life together…
I mean… I’m a dreamer… I see things pretty accurately… I know that’s worth waiting on… even if it’s 10 or 15 years from now… she is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and it seriously makes me sad every time she is unhappy…
awwwwwwwwww cuddle bug…
I wish a guy said that about me.
teddy bear hugs
it’s easier to say that ■■■■ when it’s true… that’s why I love that chick… or part of the reason… makes my mind and mouth utter those words… which I also find beautiful as well.
yes, absolutely., what’s better than loving and admiring a person? beyond the flaws. Life goes on… I hope you have told her some of the stuff though…
my life situation is permanent. I’m happy in a loving relationship. He’s a gentleman. If I was single again, I would totally go after this guy, even though I notice some shady things. I guess you can’t really judge out of messages and texts too. People in person are different. but feelings fade.
yeah… but it just kind of complicates things… she’s not a fan of excessive appreciation… it’s obligatory…
I don’t mean to obligate her at all beyond maybe not being cool with just not talking to me for a month… that was my frustration this week… she hasn’t even checked up on me once…
still I kind of know why… but it’s to complicated to explain…
a lesson in patience perhaps… she’s also finishing up with school. Maybe… just maybe she wants to feel totally independent throughout that process… her and I have been talking a lot over the last year… and I could review about 1000 other things my mind has speculated upon behind that…
yeah… I understand… but I just wish, this guy I like just confronts me and tells me if he wants something or not. He never did, everything was done in a shady way… I just can not explain. Maybe that’s why I can not let it go. I have him on instagram and we talk on a website too. I told him exactly like this after talking to you the other day ‘Is it okay if I talk to you sometimes as friends? Do you think it’s a big deal because I might get married?’ and he said, no there is no problem.
so I can not really know but then he goes on the website and says I love your picture or he makes and says some things about me. Then I even told him ‘If I was single, I would totally be interested in you’ and he didn’t have a reaction. So, whatever, we will be friends and I just enjoy his friendship. Maybe if we’re still in touch by next year, we could even meet when I go to europe.
I don’t think your feelings have faded… they are just different… feeling comfortable and stable… that is kind of what love boils down too… the rush and obsession and all that… is exciting and chaotic and it’s a problem solving process… you face your insecurities and bunch of other ■■■■… you get to know someone new…
in my mind… it hardly feels decent to keep that up for an entire lifetime…
I don’t know I prefer the comfort and stability from the get go… but it’s gotta be genuine appreciation of the person on the deepest levels otherwise the mind will always be secretly pondering about finding something else…
girls that trigger that in me are so rare… but it’s totally worth the wait. If another girl rolls a long that does so it would probably change things… but just out of respect of first come first serve… z would still have precedence…
It’s quite the combo of personal qualities that would make a female anything like me… and I’m kind of a homo so I go for what’s similar… on the physical side of things she’s just perfect… playful and teasing and full of enjoyment…
I’m glad she is so hard to please in so many ways… because I know I’m going to figure out how to do it… and in that regard I don’t believe anyone else ever will…
(cause I’m an evil mastermind)