An update/journal entry. Could use some insight

So it’s march 16th. Borderlands is going to be free to download on Xbox Gold for 15 days. It’s a good gem from the last generation and still my favorite game. Just starting on a positive note.

It’s been 9 days since I’ve had a caffeinated beverage. It’s a good thing too. I had a lot of stability in those first few days. I haven’t had alcohol since Sunday. I’m liking the evenness I feel inside. To me its a big accomplishment to stay away from those two things. Learning to be sober takes time. It’s a different life when you are hooked on putting things in the brain. Still that leaves smoking tobacco, the biggest problem of them all.

I don’t know if its mild withdrawals, but I have a sort of depression setting in. I’m also trying to wean myself off of serotonin, because at this point my brain doesn’t do jack ■■■■ in producing its own. I slept for a solid 8 hours. Woke up emotionally confused and with my mind centered on some topics that I shouldn’t have thought about.

I really want to nix the smoking. It was my goal to be off the stuff by the time I went to Chicago. Which is coming up on Friday here. I didn’t want to have to sustain the habit while trying to entertain my mother and sisters and also while running around with this girl I’m visiting. It’s just that kick in the morning. Waking up with high cortisol and tiredness, then just smoking some tobacco to get me past it and focused on my day.

Agh. Anyone else do it? Quit alcohol and caffeine and start running into emotive issues.

It really probably is trying to get away from the serotonin supplement that is doing it.

And the weather. I can go without smoking when it’s sunny. However we’ve got a thick patch of cloudy days on the forecast.

I’m exhausted too. It’s nonsense, but I’ve been waiting to visit this girl for 3 months. I’m too obsessive but it just beats me up how little I know about her. I don’t quite feel the love I felt for her when she last left. I only have one small blurry photo of her. My memory sort of tapered off after the 1st month. I still talk with her, but it doesn’t quite fill the void. She is a busy lady.

I’m totally confused, I still have SZ and when I get confused the voices like to step in as an authority and make horrendous absolutist suggestions to answer my questions. That always bothers me.

I’ve lost insight into understanding people. It was a false insight beforehand anyways, and it’s a good thing I think, to start letting go of my prejudice. Those douchebags aren’t as bad as I made them out to be… etc…

My only complaint was how much crap people were allowed to get away with, while those who tried so hard to be good barely get recognized. Personality being the fulcrum of that scale.

It’s a crossroad. I’m just peeved that it came right before this Chicago trip and that I have still failed to quit smoking. I woke up stressed in a cold dark apartment… Today was supposed to be cold turkey day. Just like every day this last week.

Even now that I have smoked, I want to enjoy it, but chemically I just don’t feel there. Happiness is hard to come by and I can’t quite figure out what I’m doing wrong. I do think it’s in part withdrawals. A major shift in my chemistry.

I’ll see it through though, I don’t want to waste any more time on booze or coffee. I can feel that I’m just in a low right now, but it’s not nearly as bad as the lows I had using those two substances.

Thanks for reading folks. Any advice would be great. For now I’m just going to try and reduce my stress levels, and just allow myself to smoke for the time being.

I’m thinking if I just take a single 5 HTP in the mornings then by night my mind might be triggered into knowing it needs to produce more.

I’ve also been dreaming again since about a week ago. The SZ is letting up. I get farther from the unreality of it quicker and easier even after passing through the most convincing of my experiences. It’s allowing me to be more human, which to me was always confusing as hell. Chaotic dreams, chaotic thoughts, feeling a lack of understanding. Used to deal with all that constantly, and I’m just not used to it. I’ve been to preoccupied with SZ this whole time to keep track of how to process this real world crap.

Kudos on quitting alcohol. I was very emotive those first months, it passed though.

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Yeah I’m hoping.

I may have a few drinks throughout the weekend, but it’ll be different as it isn’t the directionless bar hopping or oblivion seeking swigging that I was doing.

Bex is a bad influence. Z is a good one.

Oh so you’re not really quitting? I retract my statement :smile:

Hah, well you know me.

I do want to get totally sober, but I also want to make the best of my time in chicago. It’ll be a balance of being patient and drinking when appropriate.

I’ll stick to the stuff with less alcohol. I can’t really drink soda. The caffeine turns me into a verge on insomniac. I gotta keep my sanity out there.

So no heavy beers. Keep the percentage at less than 5%. Hitting the bars with Z might be a bit different, but I don’t take her to be a drunkard. I’ll just keep pace with her.

After this weekend I should have a better sense of what’s going on with her, that’ll be a major stress relief either way. When I get back I’ll return to what I do best. Keeping my budget in line.

Even have a job lined up. Cleaning apartments when the tenants switch. More money will allow me to get a lot of these things I plan for out of the way.

New phone, computer upgrades, my xbox library, kitchen crap I don’t have, a power drill, other tools.

By the end of the year I should have everything squared away. Then I’ll be ready to go to school.

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But the no coffee is a HUGE thing for me to be a week away from.

Sucks though. 90% of beverages are either alcoholic or caffeinated. Everything else is just straight up sugar.

Orange juice being the only thing I’d consider legit beyond water.

I’m a big water fan.

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Crap! I need to get gold now!

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If you come to Chicago ,scoop up THE BRO bruh

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Don’t worry. Just sleep and empty your mind. Listen to the silence. When ever I’m trying to relax from my daily missions I look forward to sleep. If my mind is still playing the record then I’ll say"NOT TODAY ,I’M NOT HAVING IT" . Far as tobacco in the early am well you’ll have to pre meditate the night before based on what I like to call vice city. I was cold turkey Sunday,Monday but Tuesday…I failed. Only because I tried my way(normal routine ) I realized I can’t do my old routine trying to stay sober ct. I have to Change my entire routine. Your brain will notice new things…it’ll feel like a new life. Those two days was different and I liked it. Yesterday I made a error because I ran into one of the guys during my morning run and he got personal.