So it’s march 16th. Borderlands is going to be free to download on Xbox Gold for 15 days. It’s a good gem from the last generation and still my favorite game. Just starting on a positive note.
It’s been 9 days since I’ve had a caffeinated beverage. It’s a good thing too. I had a lot of stability in those first few days. I haven’t had alcohol since Sunday. I’m liking the evenness I feel inside. To me its a big accomplishment to stay away from those two things. Learning to be sober takes time. It’s a different life when you are hooked on putting things in the brain. Still that leaves smoking tobacco, the biggest problem of them all.
I don’t know if its mild withdrawals, but I have a sort of depression setting in. I’m also trying to wean myself off of serotonin, because at this point my brain doesn’t do jack ■■■■ in producing its own. I slept for a solid 8 hours. Woke up emotionally confused and with my mind centered on some topics that I shouldn’t have thought about.
I really want to nix the smoking. It was my goal to be off the stuff by the time I went to Chicago. Which is coming up on Friday here. I didn’t want to have to sustain the habit while trying to entertain my mother and sisters and also while running around with this girl I’m visiting. It’s just that kick in the morning. Waking up with high cortisol and tiredness, then just smoking some tobacco to get me past it and focused on my day.
Agh. Anyone else do it? Quit alcohol and caffeine and start running into emotive issues.
It really probably is trying to get away from the serotonin supplement that is doing it.
And the weather. I can go without smoking when it’s sunny. However we’ve got a thick patch of cloudy days on the forecast.
I’m exhausted too. It’s nonsense, but I’ve been waiting to visit this girl for 3 months. I’m too obsessive but it just beats me up how little I know about her. I don’t quite feel the love I felt for her when she last left. I only have one small blurry photo of her. My memory sort of tapered off after the 1st month. I still talk with her, but it doesn’t quite fill the void. She is a busy lady.
I’m totally confused, I still have SZ and when I get confused the voices like to step in as an authority and make horrendous absolutist suggestions to answer my questions. That always bothers me.
I’ve lost insight into understanding people. It was a false insight beforehand anyways, and it’s a good thing I think, to start letting go of my prejudice. Those douchebags aren’t as bad as I made them out to be… etc…
My only complaint was how much crap people were allowed to get away with, while those who tried so hard to be good barely get recognized. Personality being the fulcrum of that scale.
It’s a crossroad. I’m just peeved that it came right before this Chicago trip and that I have still failed to quit smoking. I woke up stressed in a cold dark apartment… Today was supposed to be cold turkey day. Just like every day this last week.
Even now that I have smoked, I want to enjoy it, but chemically I just don’t feel there. Happiness is hard to come by and I can’t quite figure out what I’m doing wrong. I do think it’s in part withdrawals. A major shift in my chemistry.
I’ll see it through though, I don’t want to waste any more time on booze or coffee. I can feel that I’m just in a low right now, but it’s not nearly as bad as the lows I had using those two substances.
Thanks for reading folks. Any advice would be great. For now I’m just going to try and reduce my stress levels, and just allow myself to smoke for the time being.
