Am I hated or is it in my head?

Hi guys, I’m new here and I have only been diagnosed with Depression, Social Anxiety (SA), and ADHD.

I have been facing a lot of covert verbal abuse over the last few years, but it has finally reached a fever pitch that has become unbearable.

After many months of deep thinking, constant theorising and countless discussions with my family, I have concluded that due to my Social Anxiety (SA), I have become socially withdrawn and avoidant. And because of this, everyone I meet/gets to know me eventually grows to hate me. I’ve heard colleagues, managers, customers, family, friends, waiters, bus drivers, bus passengers, train staff, shopkeepers, security guards and neighbours mutter and sometimes shout insults. All of these people would have come to know me or know of me through someone else.

  • Things that occur are excessive sweating in social situations I feel guilty being in (not keeping in touch with people I always seem very friendly with when one-on-one)
  • Averting people’s gaze/avoiding eye contact
  • Standing or sitting next to someone I know but freezing, causing me not to say anything to them.
  • Failing to keep up basic communication for long periods.

This abuse I receive is almost always in the form of muttering and earshot sniping. I’ve been repeatedly called the same insults over and over; usually emasculating.

The reason why I’ve finally decided to seek help here is because I confronted a lot of my relatives and even a manager, but they all vehemently deny ever saying those things, even though I am absolutely certain they have.
I’ve even received hate mail before, which I’m certain was from a former colleague.

The reason I believe these things to be true is because I’ve realised my SA has caused me to push people away, ignore them, be surface-level/fake, and avoidant. I have deep trouble trusting people and therefore find it hard to even acknowledge someone I know if I see them in public (like walking behind them, but not calling them, only for them to turn and see me there with a guilty expression, or just sitting next to them and not saying anything to them because I’m frozen in a perpetual fight or flight state that prevents me from doing anything)
Situations like these will almost always follow with an angry snipe or direct insult.

I live in a medium sized town, but I feel like my reputation is going around and now I tend to hear insults and snipes everytime I go out.
I am only taking Sertraline at the moment.

My family think all this is due to paranoia that stems from my trauma of being bullied and ostracised in the past. I, however, am certain this is all real and is just a product of my social behaviour.

What are your thoughts on this and what steps should I take?
Thank you.

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Welcome.

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Enjoy your stay with us!

— I think you should tell everything that you said to us here to a psychiatrist. They might be able to help you.

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Welcome to the forum @djentleman

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I remember when I had a severe bout I thought the radio was talking about me and that people were all in cahoots. I thought the voice in my head was a woman God and she wanted to be with me. I thought my family and friends were gods doing a ritual to me to bring me into a god cult. I believed there were 10,000 female gods and each had a mate and I was the last human to be adopted by a female god. I saw supernatural stuff done by family and friends. It looked and seemed real even to this day. The only advice I can give is take steps to take care of yourself and be happy. Have a good day.

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A lot of it is delusions… It’s a common thing for most of us here :slight_smile:

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The nature of delusions is we believe they are 100% true despite evidence to the contrary. In this case you believe everyone hates you including both strangers and people you know and the evidence to the contrary is people you know are telling you that they’re not saying things or muttering about you. If you’re not acting weird or threatening then most people you meet are going to be neutral about you or not care about you and not waste their time being rude and muttering about you. I believe maybe, possibly certain people are having bad reactions to you but I doubt it’s everybody. Has anyone else heard waiters or bus drivers muttering about you? I think it’s a delusion.

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Welcome to the forum @djentleman

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Personally, if I were you, I’d get checked by a psychologist or a psychiatrist. What I wouldn’t do is self diagnose yourself with schizophrenia.

I hope you enjoy this forum!

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That’s the issue. Thanks to my SA, I tend to act weird a lot, and that includes either just staring at someone without reacting due to freezing or not talking to them if I’m next to them and there’s too many people around.

There’s that among their things like failing to keep in touch or not acknowledging people that tend to put them off and then act out like they do.

Frankly, I believe I’ve surrounded myself with frienemies due to how badly my SA has made me behave (avoidant, anxious, depressed and people pleasing)

I’ve been called a doormat among other things.

So there’s quite a lot more that goes on for me to give context to all this hate I feel directed towards me.

To answer your question; bus drivers have literally shouted p***k at me, but I wasn’t looking at their face and people in the bus don’t really say anything.

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Absolutely! And thank you

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I’d go and speak to your GP just to maybe get talk therapy or something, it sounds like severe social anxiety

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I often feel like I am hated by the whole world. Its a super rotten, pariah like feeling. Like everyone is avoiding, ostracizing and hating on you.

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Shouted what???

Yet when your on vacation everyone molly coddles you and nice and friendly to you. Its the illness @SkinnyMe were sick and stuck with a life of fear and catastrophising and over analysing everything in our minds

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@Ducky and can you believe that even in that context, (vacation molly coddling), I still find evidence of haters almost everywhere. And scammers too. I also have a terrible fear of that. But that serves me.

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Welcome to the community @djentleman. Persecutory thoughts and beliefs are very common however it is uncommon for them to have a basis in reality.

:blush:

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This is exactly it and it’s unbearable. And they shouted pri*k. Haven’t gotten round to the rules so I don’t know if swearing is allowed

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I wish, but vacations end up the same. As long as the person becomes familiar, I’m hated or just disrespected.

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Thank you! And I do hope so

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I’ve been with a therapist for 2 years, trying a new one tomorrow and possibly Friday.

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