Am I always going to have no control over this?

Last year my mother in law took it upon herself to contact my oldest son’s birth father; A “man” that I don’t usually speak to. Before my husband and I got together, I was dating a guy that I had gone to high school with and after graduation, we got together, soon later having a little boy on the way. When he found out I was pregnant, we had been living together and it was in that first trimester that he began lying to me. In the second trimester, his lies became more absurd and irrational. It was in the third trimester that he left his email account open and I found that throughout my whole pregnancy, he had been cheating on me with a fourteen year old girl (He was 20 at the time).

I was appalled and moved in with my (at the time) best friend. She and her boyfriend took very good care of me during my pregnancy. Later when my best friend’s boyfriend had his mom move in, she took after me as if I was her own adopted daughter. She was struggling with a meth addiction and newly clean, we both worked together to improve our lives. Her – staying cleaning, having good goals to get a job, go back to school, and be the wonderful woman we all knew her to be… and me – making sure to have a health baby where I could then get a better job, go to college, and be the wonderful woman like her that I wanted to be.

When I began to go into labor with my oldest son, his birth father showed up while the “adopted mom” was home. She never liked my son’s birth father and when he was there, he began degrading me that I’ll never make a good mother while I was having extreme contractions. She could hear him say these things to me through the vent and before I knew it, she had torn down my bedroom door with a metal baseball bat just to get him to leave. When he had, I asked him that all he do for me is to drive me to the hospital and he had.

After I was able to come home from the hospital, my best friend spoke with me that in order for my son’s birth father and her boyfriend’s mom to not come into contact, she was asking me to move out. With a newborn son, I only thought of one place that I could go with very little money. I called my sister and she agreed to let me stay with her.

The many nights that my sister sat up with me as I cried because my son couldn’t have a father. His birth father would never treat me well when he was around and when he wasn’t, I couldn’t help, but view him as a sort of molester. What was so wrong with me that he would want to be with a fourteen year old girl? HE was the one that wanted to have a baby and when we were given that, I was nothing at all to him…

Eventually with the help of my mom and my sister, I moved on and raised my son how I saw fit until I met my husband. He was a handsome man that treated my son exceptionally well. When we married, everything seemed really good, but when his mother came into the picture, she had began asking questions about my son. I refused to tell her much as I didn’t think it was her business.

It wasn’t until a month later that she revealed to me that she somehow (she refuses to tell me) managed to get a hold of his phone number where she has been communicating with him without my knowledge. He tells her bad things about me, that I’m the liar, that I’m the one that had cheated on him (Although I never did), and that everything I do is just manipulation. She’s never met him in person… they’ve only spoken through phone, but when we’ve fought, she likes to bring up that “my son’s birth father said I’m this and that – so it must be true”.

My greatest issue lately has been… My son’s birth father and my mother in law has been not only talking, but sending pictures, gifts, cards, and more behind my back for apparently the past few months. On my son’s birthday, he was given three gifts from his birth father’s family. I didn’t know that he was given these gifts because my mother in law told my son “Don’t tell Mommy you have these. Just say they are from me”. I thought perhaps it was just merely strange, but what she didn’t realize is… I was standing in the bathroom… which is right next to her bedroom door. When we confronted her (my husband and I), she admitted to hiding things from us because she feels we’ll never make the right decision in regards to my son’s birth father.

Today, I’ve been waiting on a package from Fedex to arrive. I noticed that a package had indeed arrived today, but it wasn’t addressed to me. It was to my mother in law, but looking at the label, it stated the city that it came from (which was my home city). I didn’t think too much of it, but I did somewhat know. When my mother in law opened the box, she told my son that he received gifts from his birth father’s family. What has me upset is that they are trying to do this without my knowledge. It seems sneaky and really deceitful.

When it came to my son and his birth father, I never had any issue with them talking on the phone, them sending pictures or gifts to one another. It was perfectly fine… But with my mother in law trying to be sneaky about my son’s birth father and his family sending my son gifts, it has made me want to either I: Send them back or II: Throw them in the f***ing trash. Her actions seem intentionally deceitful. Rather than tell me what they are doing, she makes plans with them and then at the last second, I’m told of what the plan is. Literally – last … second…

When I try to talk to my son’s birth father, he ignores me, but then he’ll call up my mother in law, lets her know that I’ve tried to talk to him, and claims that because he hates me so much that she should do this and that behind my back rather than all of us working together for the sake of my son.

I feel like I just have no control over something that should only be MY job to handle. However, my mother in law has taken it upon herself to try to take over my position when my son’s birth father and her, literally have no relation whatsoever.

Am I always going to have no control over this?

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You need to tell her to mind her own business. Does she know what the birth-father did in the past? I hope your husband will stand with you on this.
She is way out of line!**

Every time I’ve tried to tell her, she says that I’m a liar.

My husband definitely stands with me on it. I guess I just don’t know how to handle a situation that I feel like I’m powerless on.

Every time I try to handle it, it turns out that she won’t believe me because he has her convinced I’m a horrible person. Thus, nothing gets solved.

I am sorry that you’ve been going through this. How old is your son now? Try to sort out what your son’s biological father wants if your husband agrees with this. If it is required, involve a lawyer that could deal with family related issues. I guess this would be one of some sensible solutions.

What do you want about your son? Think about it…

Maybe, the biological father and his family want to adopt him…It is very mean act of them but think about your son. If you both could agree on certain things, I think that it will be good for your son’s mental well-being. Please do get a professional’s advice and help. If you both could agree on some things, your mother-in-law won’t have any lose point to raise. You’ll have a peace of mind and your relationship will not suffer.

My son is going to be six in a few months. His biological father is court ordered to pay child’s support, but since this came into motion two years ago, I’ve never seen a single dime of it and honestly, I could careless about child’s support…

I have full custody of my son. His biological father doesn’t care about my son himself… Instead (and he’s already admitted this), he only cares to try to make my life a living hell. Whenever I went to the court, and they subpoena him in (due to the fact that he refused to show up on his own), the lawyers asked that him and I speak alone. When we did, this is when he told me that he’s not here to fight for him son… He was only here to see me regret my life decision of having the baby (who now happens to be my almost six year old son).

What I want about my son? … A life where he doesn’t have to live confused and stands a successful chance in the world. With his biological father (who was diagnosed as a compulsive liar by his Psychiatrist, by the way), he won’t have that. His birth father tells him one thing… and then moments later… tells him something entirely different. It’s caused my son so much distress that I’ve had to cradle him in my arms from the sadness.

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Getting professional’s help in this matter is a good decision.

It is really sad to know what the person thinks about his own child’s mother. Your son is too young to understand this and I wish that he couldn’t encounter the harsh part of this painful relationship for a long time. Your mother-in-law’s intervention is quite meaningless and to a certain extent irrelevant as well. It would be good to make it clearer to her that she should not act as a middle party between your son and his biological father as it is creating trouble for the family.

Don’t argue, just be polite and try to be with your husband. Make it clear that you are not preventing her from showing affection to your son but it is his birth father about whom’s actions you are concerned. And if the person calls her again and wants her to deliver a message, ask him to contact you because it would be good for the child’s future. Intervention of an out of context person will only create more confusion in this matter.

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Maybe you could get his biological father to agree to a set of boundaries concerning your son and what you want for him? It appears what you’ve explained you probably already attempted to say to him and it seems despite your efforts, that you aren’t being heard. If this causes you further distress I would seek a third party perhaps counselor to offer a more proactive solution. Maybe invest in getting your son an art therapist, and put the child support towards his therapy or some extra activity like sports. Tell your husband it’s for sports for his son, or lessons in something, and that you’ll contact the law if he doesn’t pay it. You seem more concerned about the welfare and safety of your children than anything else, so being firm is the solution. Avoiding confrontation can make it worse sometimes. If you can’t do it in person, write these people in a letter and keep a copy so that you have proof, esp to your son’s biological father. Send him a signed letter requesting child support to be paid and keep a copy for records, then you have proof.

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I say good riddens to both of them! Why worry over it??

Sadly I’m going to say that you do not have control over their actions. Therefore I’d say the best thing you can do is accept that this is not an issue you have control over, and let them be terrible together. After all, they don’t matter to you, do they? Your husband and child matter to you, so worry about them. I definitely suggest making sure your husband is fully aware of how distressing this is to you, however. You could also seek legal action to cut contact between the birth father and your kid, if you wanted to go that far.

I’m sorry that you’re stuck in such a nasty situation. You’re a very strong person to have gone through all of that, being a teenage, single mother. Don’t let two mean people bring you down after all you’ve made it through!

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