Maybe I leave this impression within the years… When I started to pace in front of my last pdoc, closed to fainting and asking him if I am going to die, he was schocked lol… He said I am a hard case yeah… But I don’t feel it like this. Theres only the proof of this, that my life is in ruins since decades… since child probably too… I never had hallucinations, neither voices. But I guess I have some other sz stuff. I think my main problem is the thinking, so even the emotions doesn’t follow well . Add to this the 20 years of isolation and you have a bad case… Idk… My ill friends move in their lives in some way all of them. This friend of mine sounded very disinterested from me tonight, so I felt as ■■■■. And also guilty to be the cop of the service …so I have problems communicating too, yeap. do you think, that you’ve made it cause your sz wasn’t so tough? Maybe the fact that I lived in despair worsened the stuff. But if you had waves of weakness in your body since kid and some other shitty ■■■■, without help of nobody, you would have given up too I guess.
Idk… I had a father who was beating my mom and my sista… Not me. Me, I just had to have good notes in order to not be beaten… Something like a sexual abuse when I was 6 from the boyfriend of my sister. A mother who blames all of this on my genetics and my genetics only. and its me now who is considered crazy with all the exclusion with which this comes…
And I really believe still, that we made all the possible meds. Two of my docs agree with me. They ended up by saying to pay efforts and be patient, to stop switching aps. Cause maybe, within the years, the Zyprexa will help… Does it sound plausible? do they lie? efforts? can I do it now, now that I am decided to fight with efforts? Ok, my days are better than off meds, but the evenings are the same - just a painful ruminating.
How are you, pals? well, my best friend is in crises now. this makes two with me Idk… this starvation of mine to get better sux too. The life has nuances for whom I am probably blind, isn’t it? It cant be just suffering… But I went retarded. This is hard to heal I guess.
I even have the dumb worry, that with my immobility ill start to look as a monster soon wow… Get even more uglier. I have to get healthier in my mind, cause I start to have other illnesses… Hormonals, diabetics, stomach, lungs from the cigarettes, yeah…
Did your appearance degrade with the illness? mine did a bit… and I think of this still, cause soul and body are linked as ive been told. Before, I wasn’t realizing it, I was separating them… And do you want a secret from me? I panic when I see some positive delirium in front of me. I even cant think when I see someone in delirium. I even cant understand if what they say is the truth or the illness wow…
Crocodal, she said to me that theres no other ap for me. I have Depakote and Zyprexa. I tried all the possible aps. They don’t work quite well on me, cause I have many symptoms. If I take a med for every symptom, ill gone dead… They said to stop switching and to wait, while paying efforts. They believe in the efforts too. Its me who doesn’t believe much, cause with efforts there would be no ill people from sz no? I am done with the meds, I am just on maintaining therapy with them. The meds cant help a lot such a messed up thinking. A thinking who goes from one thought to another. I am trying my best to get in the reality. and to rebuild my personality too.
and you, are you fine now? Did you ever feel like you are a lost cause? that nothing cant help you, but eventually you overcame this later?
Oh, thank you dear crocodal. I noticed you are the kind person here who supports me still. Well, my ex pdoc was saying that I am not such a heavy case, but that my illness is quite painful. My brain is very messed up, plus I lack emotions. which makes it hard. My body got ruined by the pain through the years… I guess some have voices, my torments affect my body mostly… I have all kind of sensations. And I don’t even mention the anger, the worry about the future, the fear of the people, yeah.
Hang in there you too! My klonopin works a bit now, it helps a bit yes, but I am tired now after throwing so many emotions tonight .
I think your main problems are depression and anxiety. Are you in therapy? You sound pretty much constantly depressed and never psychotic. I don’t know how well you’re doing in the periods you don’t post here, though.
Treebeard, two docs told me therapy wouldn’t help me. Plus, I am tired of their blah blah. I need to make my baby steps and I step backwards when they push me forward… Yeah, everybody around me say I look depressed. Maybe its party true cause I find myself ill since kid. I guess if you are hardly depressed since kid, the damages on the brain are like for sz… When I don’t post here I do some small tasks in my life. Like going to the pharmacy, the grocery shop, or the local beauty shop, that’s all. I cant sit on a coffee outside with a friend, cause I have my fears and the psychosomatic stuff.
Maybe its more a depression since kid if it lasted since so long? And which turned into something looking as a sz? One doc told me sz doesn’t cause those body sensations, I am ignorant on this.
Did you some of us feel guilty in the past for their thoughts? Maybe I am getting better, I am not sure. But I was full of ■■■■ I guess and now I think of this . Its still a depressive thing this, no?
. Add to this the 20 years of isolation and you have a bad case… Idk… My ill friends move in their lives in some way all of them. This friend of mine sounded very disinterested from me tonight, so I felt as ■■■■. And also guilty to be the cop of the service 
…so I have problems communicating too, yeap. do you think, that you’ve made it cause your sz wasn’t so tough? Maybe the fact that I lived in despair worsened the stuff. But if you had waves of weakness in your body since kid and some other shitty ■■■■, without help of nobody, you would have given up too I guess.