Am I a bad guy?

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When my psychosis really kicked in I thought the CIA was going to kill me. I was watching my daughters at the time while my wife was at a friends. It felt real, it was bad. So, I started tearing up the room and wrote no suicide on walls and poked holes in walls with screw driver. I was trying to make it look like a struggle just in case the cia wanted to make my death look like a suicide. Anyway, my kids were in the room, but I never did anything. I remember opening the window to yell for cops to come, but I got scared the kids would fall out so I closed it. My wife says I could have killed them if she did not come back and supposedly a psychiatrist told her the same thing. I donā€™t think that is true. But, it makes me feel like a bad dad and I would have obviously felt terrible if I did it.

I donā€™t know why I am rambling. It feels good to tell my story I guess. Maybe I need to talk to a shrink.

Sorry,
Tyme

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Oh man thatā€™s was even hard to read. Iā€™m sorryā€¦ Prejudicesā€¦ Like every psychosis ends up with a murderā€¦
But, I didnā€™t know you have kids. A whole other dimension of responsibility. ( you know what Iā€™m talking about).

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medsā€¦
shrinkā€¦
get helpā€¦
know someone cares :heartbeat:
take care :alien:

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@sarad ,

Please , Now Seriously ā€¦

(EDIT) ,

Jus Woke Up Yo , e(Y)e THot You Said Something Else ā€¦

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You could be a bad guy,but my opinion is questionable seeing as how im a bad guy myself.

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You were having a paranoid / panic attack.

Itā€™s hard dealing with the past guilt at timesā€¦

I love my kid sister dearlyā€¦ but when I was 17 and she was 6ā€¦ the things I did trying to protect her from kidnappers and mind controllersā€¦. Iā€™m NOT proud of that. I feel very guilty for those times.

Iā€™ve been in therapy, and Iā€™ve worked it out with my sis. Itā€™s hard to faceā€¦ and even harder to eraseā€¦

But as we get stronger and healthierā€¦ things will get better.

Good luck and maybe talking to someone to get this off your chest will help.

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Psychosis is not your fault, so you shouldnā€™t be embarassed. I know itā€™s easy to say, Iā€™m also embarassed with stuff I thougth and did and said, but we need to be reminded that itā€™s not our fault.

And @Tyme I donā€™t think you believing in that makes you a bad person. Psychosis is terrible, can be devastating and traumatic, but itā€™s not your fault. And think about the good things you do for your kids and ask yourself if youā€™re a bad parent.

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There was a time when I thought people were trying to get me to kill myself, and I did some bizzare things. I think most of us have to wince when we look back on the things we did when we were in the grips of a psychosis. Itā€™s important to make a distinction between the way we are when weā€™re delusional and when were in touch with reality on medā€™s.

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You are not a bad person, you have a disease that you did not choose.
You also have childrenā€¦

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I still donā€™t think schizophrenia is a ā€˜diseaseā€™. An illness or affliction perhaps, but Iā€™ve never felt I am diseased.

I cringe when people call it that.

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I donā€™t think I am a bad or evil person. To hell with that construct. If anything I am just doing what I am doing - learning without boundaries. Itā€™s the human perception, especially those of others that have ā€œhighā€ ā€œself-esteemā€ and are typically in an authoritative position that I am being oppressed by.

I donā€™t need adult supervision. I am an adult. Period. If someone wants to challenge me on something, do it on the grounds that youā€™re trying to HELP not HURT (aka judge).

I have oftentimes been the victim of superior judgments, and Iā€™m sick of it. Iā€™m not going to be a nuisance to society or police or the neighborhood - stop bringing it up (words I had to bare toward my psychiatrist & case worker, who non-stop think about the worst case scenario and think I am going to be evicted if I go unmedicated).

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I donĀ“t think you are a bad guy. Psychosis is not your fault.
I donĀ“t think youĀ“d hurt your kidsā€¦i mean you were even scared that they would fall out of the window. Sounds protective to me.

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No, you are not a bad guy.

And by the way, mental health workers often hold stigma too.

You didnā€™t hurt anyone.

You were suffering from the most severe psychiatric illness.

People saying you would have killed your children are being PREJUDICED. I mean you said you shut a window so they wouldnā€™t jump out. Thatā€™s quite the contrary to intending to harm them.

Prejudice is basically when someone judges someone without actually getting to know and understand them and their situation. Pre-judging. Llike deciding someone is guilty before a trial.

Stigma is the label we have on us as generally ā€œbadā€ people. It comes from ā€œstigmataā€, Greek traditions of physically marking people of lesser moral status. Itā€™s saying we are screwed up and not quite human. ā€œTainted and discounted.ā€

I could ramble more, Iā€™m writing a thesis in psychology on stigma.

No you arenā€™t a bad guy, I would say that you handled your psychotic break pretty well. Even if you didnā€™t handle it well, it wouldnā€™t have made you a bad guy. It is an illness, and it is the illness that controls our minds. What the hell can one do when they are legally not in touch with what is right and wrong, good or bad? Legal insanity is what people experience during psychotic breaks. It all seems perfectly real when it hits us. It is reality to the individual.

Now that you are aware of your illness, you should have a better understanding of what is okay and what is not okay. But when you didnā€™t know you were psychotic, you were not held responsible because you simply perceived reality incorrectly and therefore would most likely behave incorrectly. The key is awareness of being psychotic. Once you are aware, you are held to the fact that you are awareā€“so if it happens again, keep calm and carry on with normal life, or shut yourself away from others to ensure that you do not do anything incorrectly.

Iā€™ve met other people with this illness. One was always making excuses for deliberate illegal behaviors. One was known for shutting himself in his room for fifteen minutes when he knew he was losing it. One graduated from college and one got a DUI and then continued to drink on campus in class. Guess which one did which.

I am able to function despite all hell breaking loose, that is because I am very aware of my illness and I am also very disciplined, self disciplined.

The bottom line is that you were insane by all means, and therefore not responsible for your behavior.

But since you just posted in this schizophrenia support group, you arenā€™t really insane anymore.

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Tyme, you probably gave your kids a scare. Have you thought of apologizing to them?

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Yeah, you gave them a scare and nothing else. Im sure they have forgiven you because they understand what happened. You can still apologize to them and explain what happened. Thats what i did.

When psychosis happened to me im sure my whole family shat themself because they saw me like this. My gf still have trauma because she remembers it so well. And i didnĀ“t hurt anyone. It was just scary to see me like this. Im sure its the same with my family. And yours.

Im sure id be able to handle myself better now, but this was the first time this happened to me, i didnĀ“t know what was happening.

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