No, you are not a bad guy.
And by the way, mental health workers often hold stigma too.
You didn’t hurt anyone.
You were suffering from the most severe psychiatric illness.
People saying you would have killed your children are being PREJUDICED. I mean you said you shut a window so they wouldn’t jump out. That’s quite the contrary to intending to harm them.
Prejudice is basically when someone judges someone without actually getting to know and understand them and their situation. Pre-judging. Llike deciding someone is guilty before a trial.
Stigma is the label we have on us as generally “bad” people. It comes from “stigmata”, Greek traditions of physically marking people of lesser moral status. It’s saying we are screwed up and not quite human. “Tainted and discounted.”
I could ramble more, I’m writing a thesis in psychology on stigma.
No you aren’t a bad guy, I would say that you handled your psychotic break pretty well. Even if you didn’t handle it well, it wouldn’t have made you a bad guy. It is an illness, and it is the illness that controls our minds. What the hell can one do when they are legally not in touch with what is right and wrong, good or bad? Legal insanity is what people experience during psychotic breaks. It all seems perfectly real when it hits us. It is reality to the individual.
Now that you are aware of your illness, you should have a better understanding of what is okay and what is not okay. But when you didn’t know you were psychotic, you were not held responsible because you simply perceived reality incorrectly and therefore would most likely behave incorrectly. The key is awareness of being psychotic. Once you are aware, you are held to the fact that you are aware–so if it happens again, keep calm and carry on with normal life, or shut yourself away from others to ensure that you do not do anything incorrectly.
I’ve met other people with this illness. One was always making excuses for deliberate illegal behaviors. One was known for shutting himself in his room for fifteen minutes when he knew he was losing it. One graduated from college and one got a DUI and then continued to drink on campus in class. Guess which one did which.
I am able to function despite all hell breaking loose, that is because I am very aware of my illness and I am also very disciplined, self disciplined.
The bottom line is that you were insane by all means, and therefore not responsible for your behavior.
But since you just posted in this schizophrenia support group, you aren’t really insane anymore.