Almost Forty, Not Mature

so, i had some childhood,teen,and adult trauma and then i got rx’d paranoid schizophrenic at age 19/20, then years later schizo-affective in my mid twenties.
I live on my own, i have had/can hold a full-time job and take care of my two cats, but i do not feel like i have matured like other women at my age, in my late thirties.

I feel a bit disabled, yet state disability rejected me and cited my university degrees as proof that I am not disabled, yet I just missed my dr appt because i forgot it was today despite setting alexa reminders and google calendar reminders. it is common for me to forget what day/time it is and what i am supposed to do on a given day. i forget time, dates, names, and tasks. yet i can remember info on random topics like academic knowledge, pop culture, etc etc…anything related to my past or immediate life tho, that doesn’t stick.

also, i think my brain just works diff from women my age due to the length of time i spent either mentally ill or repressing/suppressing bad memories. i tried talking about this w/therapists but they were all from the ‘acknowledge pain and move forward’ camp so they just ignored my questions.

I am able to mingle with normies okay, to the point where i have been accused of not being schizophrenic because im too normal, yet i am fully aware of the movements i go through to feign facial expressions, etc…in my mid twenties i dedicated my unemployed self to watching and studying the facial expressions and vocal intonations of actresses so i could hide the moments when i heard voices in public by acting like a normie.

sorry, i am in a weird mood tonight, the landlord is selling the house i live in and buyers are coming tomorrow. the realtor tries to get immediate visits despite my requests for a two day notice and it’s really stressing me out rn.
im taking my meds btw. i will go take the promethezine anxiety pill rn.
thank you for reading


Sorry to hear about the realtor BS. Hope you don’t have to move?

I am now 55, and I don’t think I have matured much since I was 30. Of course, when I was 30 it didn’t seem like I had matured enough since 17

Mental illness can certainly short-circuit the usual maturing process, but I find it tends to lend more strength to the ones who need to deal with it

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I thought you were in your twenties !


I can totally relate

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Maybe you just the type that just keeps thinking young, nothing wrong with it.

once lived in a place that sold 3 times, was nasty people coming and going for a year. I was busy one day and the landlord (4th one) got a earful


thanks for the replies everyone!
Not sure if i have to move–it depends on who buys this house and tbh it isn’t even up to code and requires a ton of repairs, which is another reason why im angry at the slumlord lol.
so that is stressful, my (ex) friend first said he’d sign a lease for me and my cousin to live in a two bedroom bcuz he has $ and good credit, but he got weird about my little cousin who is in her 20’s so i told him he was being really weird about her and then he denied it and backed out. so, now i am struggling to find a new place bcuz i want out of this place regardless if it sells to a new landlord.
bad credit tho. and unemployed at the moment, so yea…my cousin is working but she has no credit or rental history so we’re like a terrible pair to try to get housing on our own lol
i def agree that mental illness wrecks our natural development. :frowning:
i do like that i have a youthful outlook like cat videos on youtube bring me much joy that surpasses every day stress lol.
The buyers cancelled today thank GOODNESS! especially because my friend just donated like 200 books for my neighborhood the other day, so the living room looks like im a book hoarder at the moment lol. This is the second time, but what i do is put out books along the street with a sign that says free books and it’s because i live in low income neighborhood and i figured people would enjoy something to read for free during the quarantine. so my friend heard i had done that and donated a bunch of books to me this week so i can leave them out for neighbors! *i live in very low income high crime neighborhood, and she lives in very wealthy area so it made sense to have me put them out front of my house

now i can focus on the book drop and not worry about buyers lol


@HQuinn that’s really cool what you’re doing with the books. In the neighbourhood I used to live in, they had a box that people put books in and took books from. It was kind of like a literature share. Very cool idea

Hope you find a place soon. Is there no subsidized housing in your area?

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yes there is subsidized housing but there’s a waitlist that i have been on for several years now…im in contact w/housing legal rights org and might pursue some kind of legal action for the various violations of my tenant’s rights that the slumlord has been doing to me.
Thank you! Yes, that’s where i got the idea from–except it’s not a neighborhood library, because nobody needs to return the books lol! As someone who never returned library books and owes money for losing them, i wanted to try something where the books were donated instead of rented out to the community! thanks!!! :heart:


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