so, i had some childhood,teen,and adult trauma and then i got rx’d paranoid schizophrenic at age 19/20, then years later schizo-affective in my mid twenties.
I live on my own, i have had/can hold a full-time job and take care of my two cats, but i do not feel like i have matured like other women at my age, in my late thirties.
I feel a bit disabled, yet state disability rejected me and cited my university degrees as proof that I am not disabled, yet I just missed my dr appt because i forgot it was today despite setting alexa reminders and google calendar reminders. it is common for me to forget what day/time it is and what i am supposed to do on a given day. i forget time, dates, names, and tasks. yet i can remember info on random topics like academic knowledge, pop culture, etc etc…anything related to my past or immediate life tho, that doesn’t stick.
also, i think my brain just works diff from women my age due to the length of time i spent either mentally ill or repressing/suppressing bad memories. i tried talking about this w/therapists but they were all from the ‘acknowledge pain and move forward’ camp so they just ignored my questions.
I am able to mingle with normies okay, to the point where i have been accused of not being schizophrenic because im too normal, yet i am fully aware of the movements i go through to feign facial expressions, etc…in my mid twenties i dedicated my unemployed self to watching and studying the facial expressions and vocal intonations of actresses so i could hide the moments when i heard voices in public by acting like a normie.
sorry, i am in a weird mood tonight, the landlord is selling the house i live in and buyers are coming tomorrow. the realtor tries to get immediate visits despite my requests for a two day notice and it’s really stressing me out rn.
im taking my meds btw. i will go take the promethezine anxiety pill rn.
thank you for reading