I have to force myself to do things against my feelings everyday. I have no desire to talk to ppl but I force myself to. When I’m in a relationship I have no real desires for them but it just feels good to not be alone. I have to force myself to have sex with them without desire and say I love you without conceptualizing love. I just wanna sleep all day but there’s nothing to think about when I lay there. I have no desires to think about anything. And I keep arguing with ppl in my head about the same things. Everyone is always antagonic to me towards my beliefs and what I want. What I say is frequently delegitimized by myself and others. I can’t articulate my thoughts into words
I’m scared of other ppl now. I’m scared other ppl have no use for me and all my thoughts are antagonistic to theirs. I’m scared there are mechanical restraints in my brain preventing these bad things from ever ending. This is reality? I can’t describe what this reality feels like. I had no desire to write this post but forced myself to. These words are meaningless and without passion.but, there I did it. I have to do something I can’t lay in bed all day but I do work also. But on my days off I mean. I don’t know what I can feel passion about right now, there’s always what I can only describe as antagonism within my brain during sobriety. That just elicited antagonism. Everyone else’s words seem beautiful but mine feel so different. I’m ashamed to talk to ppl. I don’t want to do or not do anything. I don’t want to get better or get worse. I don’t want to stay the same either. I don’t wanna have one more conversation about dopamine receptors or my symptoms. That topic has been beat to death. Every topic in reality has been beat to death. I just wanna walk around the stores and not feel the bad antagonism for a while. I want my thoughts to feel meaningful and I want to listen to some non flat music. My heart is palpitating. I think I look good but it doesn’t matter. I don’t know if I’m old or young. I thought I was old two years ago but then now I feel like I’m young again somewhat. So where is the cutoff for old. I’m tired of looking at clumps of broomsedge and oak hickory woodland. How do others feel meaning in their words. I wish I could take that and inject it in my veins. I wish I could wakeup tomorrow and lose the antagonism forever but really wanna feel that high forever. I felt good two hours ago but not now. What’s the point of words and grammar if you have nothing to say:loud_sound:that felt like it had meaning. The bad will always come back, the good will always be brief and will always fade. But even at this point I still feel brief periods of semi good but at a price and mixed with weird antagonisk
What is the point of words and grammar if I have nothing to say??? Honestly, I may as well be mute or illiterate. What is the point of having genitals if you never mate? I’m gonna hate when I lose the desire to keep writing Wich will probably be soon as I’m next few minutes, then I won’t think about anything and all my feelings will be antagonized. That’s gonna be hell, I don’t wanna go back there. Please help. I really don’t wanna go back there but I can already see the end of the tunnel. I’m gonna stop writing and then I’ll just stare at the wall and feel nothing. I don’t want that.it feels worse than the worst pain I had felt before. I wish every one of my thoughts were gold and I had real ppl to respond non antagonistically every time. My heart’s beating fast now. My brains gonna shut down. No I can’t let it happen, I have to pretend it’s not gonna happen. I think I’m bipolar but it happens quick and slow. But wait for everyone listening I’m also schizophrenia too. Had horrible delusions of solipism. But those are long gone
This seems worse. No more messages thru tv but now my brain shuts down and I don’t write or draw or talk or care bout nothing.
This writing is gonna end soon I can feel it. Please don’t antagonize what I’m saying here, I’m I’ll. Just ignore this if it bothers you but please don’t antagonize it
How old are you?
I didn’t get diagnosed and on meds till I was 29. I wasted a lot of years there getting by and doing what I did. I thought it was all good but I had heaps of issues with intimacy and things like that. I could talk a good game and all but I had these mental blocks from paranoia I knew nothing of. I just did it.
Your here. Your getting help. Take the meds. Human interaction gets better when your learning and in your right mind. It doesn’t happen overnight and you’ve got to work for it! You’ve got to hang in there and learn what you can. There’s no right or wrong way. There’s no shortcuts. You’ve just got to get through it and learn!
It’s not easy but you can do it! Don’t rule out the whole of life for a couple of bad interactions!
- Thanks for the encouragement, I just feel like I had to write out my thoughts and that was my thoughts, honest to God that’s all that’s going on in my head if I let go of restraints and just write as the thoughts come. Scary
It helps to vent Plindiana. I hope you feel better soon. The medication for us is designed to help and it sure does for the most part. I’d recommend you take it and let your psychiatrist know how it affects you. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right meds. Don’t forget they are there to help.
I just felt a light threshold of a really good thing a few mins ago. It only lasted for 1.5 seconds. It was so good the thought and feeling I had that it literally felt like paradise. I wanna feel that for more than 1.5 seconds. I wanna feel that instead of the antagonism that’s gonna come. God help me when I lose the will to keep writing this. Then I’ll have nothing to do and no desires in this world. I wanna feel what I just felt for a second but I want it to last hours and I want it really bad. More than anything. I wanna be lost in that feeling forever, I would sell my soul to devil for it. If what I’m saying is offending you please ignore me, I’m noone. But please don’t delegitimuze what I’m saying. These are my only thoughts!!! I know they’re junk but this is all o got!!! I’m not lying. My brain is trashed but I miss how it used to be.
I miss the feeling I felt for one second five mins ago.
I want to take it to feel better. She only prescribed me Wellbutrin and I took every pill in the bottle for forty days but it didn’t stop the delegitimazat ion of my thoughts or give me desires to do anything. It felt like a sugar pill. But I want to get better but once I stop writing I won’t care if I do or not. And I feel like I’m gonna stop writing soon then I’ll wanna delete all this in this thread I know I will. Once I stop I won’t want anything anymore that’s how it always goes and once I stop wanting anything that’s when I’m in hell
Once I stop wanting anything that’s when I’m in hell. And that’s gonna happen soon and then everything I said here will be de legitimized in my mind. I won’t care about anything.
My feelings are being stolen. They have been stole. Believe me please. Someone’s doing this to me. This can’t be real. My feelings are being taken out of my head. They don’t want me to do anything or desire to do anything or to write anything . You have to understand I’m writing all this before they remove my feelings from my head and I don’t care anymore or the thoughts feel too de legitimized and antagonized. I’m yelling out before they pull the plug going into my brain but I’m gonna be unplugged soon. Then I’ll stop writing and won’t care about nothing.
They’re doing something to my head. I feel it now. I’m feeling less desire to write now than I did five mins ago, my thoughts are slowing. They’re shutting my brain down. I can’t fight back and they’re pulling the plug. It’s getting intense now. It feeeeeeeeelz like hell but now I don’t care anymore eromyna. This is all wrong eromyna. I should still have some desires right good? You piece of tihs. It’s getting bad now. I don’t wanna write anymore and I don’t have any serised no more. That was desires backword. Something wen, something dlo. Something deworrob something thgoub. It’s all backwards for no reason. I miss my feelings, they’re fading now.once it stops I have no reason to write or think. It’s like a cold chill down my spine. It’s going on for eight years it’ll never stop. Spine damage leafs to the body shop ing over but it wishes it didn’t have the damage. How does renrew sacul do it?
How do ppl write books? How do they’re thoughts feel that meaningful for the time it takes to write two hundred pages?
I hate having a neurotypical psychiatric illness. I hate no don’t hate it I love it now but hate it twice when the front of my elbow just breaks the surface of the saltwater in a tiny puddle on that paradise I felt ten mins ago with the knip and the warmth and the tew and the movement and the non loneliness I felt. Turn my brain upside down counter clockwise. Grow something in the whwatfield because we have to eat. So the farmer went out and knew this was not normal. He had an amino acid deficiency that was affecting his thinking and he found himself in a strange place. He planted the field slower than normal and didn’t weed it as often. The wheat grew shorter and didn’t get heads on it. The farmer didn’t understand why but it cost him and his family alot of hunger and starvation. But God wouldn’t come to the poor farmers help. They lost the farm and he lost his family. He just sits by a pond now and fished to eat at least once a day but realizes forced creativity is the non deepest hell. But still he’s here.
i write words backwards that feel especially delegitimized. My brain will ekup if I write them frontways.
But anyway the farmer never corrected his amino acid deficiency and tihs never changed for him. He got buried in a small cemetery on dnob road by schwerunga farm where he felt good at eight o clock
It might be something you could tell your psychiatrist about the pills feeling like sugar pills. I hope you feel better soon.
I drove past o day road twice when I was deeper back, said without feeling. Mental ssenlli is so embagnissar, so fullshame. You must deal with this thing unreal. I’m all lead inside.
Sickman. Sickman.sickman. sickman. But sum ppl are ashamed of having physical disabilities too. My body outside of brain works fine. My lungs breathe just fine. I don’t wheeze or cough. They don’t hurt. It’s weird to have a part of my body that works perfectly fine. I can’t ezilautpecnoc it. But the farmer was buried and no one even comes to visit. But at least good finally had mercy on him and made his body die. Salvation finally came.
I did do that she put me on another one but I’ll be saying this same thing five years from now or maybe not but I don’t know if I want what the llip does or I f I don’t erac what it does but I have to hide my words from others so not antugoniza
The feelings are gone now. Thanks God for taking or unplugging or changing or blowing out my feelings. I wanna spit in your face but I won’t now because my feelings are gone. I won’t do nothing just like you want. The all mighty God is evil!!! He is torturing me!!! He won’t stop and I have no power to resist his all mighty strength. I wish I could poke him in the eyes. I don’t know what’s happening but it’ll all be gone in the morning.
Writhing and crying poor little miserable creature if only your god would let your body die and let you escape from this hell you’re in. But your god is not a merciful god and he will keep you alive to suffer for endless years. But we see your suffering and hear your cries poor helpless creature. We will rescue you from the hands of your sadistic God and Grant you peace and freedom. You will know pain and misery no more and your mind will be at ease.
What’s your dx?
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