Ah, nostalgia

I found my journal today. A spiral-bound notebook halfway filled with a semi-daily chronicling of my last episode, which lasted for about 5 months last summer and fall. And boy, did I write some horrible stuff! My handwriting wavers from neat to indecipherable within the span of a page, as the rapid mood swings that plagued me colored my narrative. I rant, I ramble, I swear a LOT, and I remember writing very little of it. I’m thinking of taking it up again, to keep track of this episode that’s just starting up, and maybe try to learn from what I went through last time. I had a lot more stress back then, a lot of drama, but that doesn’t mean this time I’ll be okay. I’ll probably just quietly go mad instead of doing it loudly and angrily. Hospital is still an option, but today wasn’t too bad, I was with friends and I had a good time, hardly any symptoms other than the music and the unreal feeling. I’m not fooled, though, I had good days last time too, but then I’d be right back to it. The journal will help me keep track, and on a good day I can go back and see how bad my bad days are getting. Last year I didn’t have insurance, so the hospital wasn’t an option, but this time I can go if I have to. I just hope I won’t have to. Of course, some people would say I should go now, before I get too bad, and they’re probably right. But I want to reserve it as a last resort. I’m going to try switching to Abilify, maybe that’ll help better, but hopefully I have the luxury of waiting for it to take effect.

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Five months of psychosis?

Are you made of steel or something?

How?

When I first got sick I was in psychosis for months too. Constant, 24-7. I was unmedicated.

I can sort of understand that… it makes me feel better for you that you have a plan in place though… but then your a very strong person and have a some very good self-preservation instincts.

Good luck with taking to your doc.

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it wasn’t 5 months of complete non-lucidity, the symptoms started becoming a serious problem in June 2013 and reached a crescendo around late July through all of August, then gradually fading until November, where they’d returned to a baseline, which is where I stayed until about a month ago.