Afraid of....Myself?

I have been a bit reclusive lately, and have hid out in my room for almost a year now. It’s getting time that I start trying to do things again (i.e. school, job, driving, etc.) It was nice to stay in the calm of my room and all, but I’m running out of time before I’m force to go back out and such. The anxiety of this realization is starting to get to me, and I’m afraid of losing control of myself like I did when I first got sick.

A particular voice has came back and it keeps telling and showing me bad things. He’s always in the back of my head and it creates this ominous feeling all the time. I’m always aware of his presence because I think if I lose focus then he’ll come in and mess things up again. Last time it happened I wound up saying and doing some terrible things.

It’s turned me into a rather reserved person. It’s so I can stay calm and in control. But I find myself getting anxious and less stable again. I’m sure I know what I need to do, but I’m very reluctant to do so. I was doing so well without my medication and now I’m getting bad again.

How do you all stay in control of yourselves? Do you sometimes feel like you’re about to lose it?

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Yes, its scary to lose ones control. When I’m desperate I use self-talk and when I’m even more desperate I pray

Hi - I think this is the key issue. The “anxiety” is very common. Can you talk to your doctor about it? There are many good medications out there that can help with this, as well as therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy is the fastest for treating anxiety, I believe). Do you have access to a therapist? Can you get access?


I do. In fact, I was kinda lucky that my therapist is part of my university. He was the one that got me help in the first place. Literally walked me to the psychiatrist’s office, lol. I haven’t seen him in a while though. I guess it’s time I went back.


How can you afford to stay hidden in your room for a year? That has always been my dream. But as life you know, gets in the way. So out I go to get groceries, help my mom, get my kitties stuff too.

The rules in my house are, no one gets hurt, no property gets hurt and, take care of the living things first.
Beyond that, life is open for interpretation.
That’s all the control I have, and want.

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i always feel i am about to lose it, but i know the difference between right and wrong, developing a moral compass is imperative as a sz .
take care

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That might explain it. People often do well at first after stopping meds. But the bad stuff seems to catch up.

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When I’m lucid and doing well, I do feel like I’m about to lose it. Little things around the edges let me know that it’s time to breathe, think about what I’m going to do. and focus on something else. Take my meds, and sometimes even stop moving. Lean against a tree and let my head catch up with my body.

It’s when I feel like a demigod who knows all that I’ve already lost it, but I’m too amazing to myself to admit it. :wink: