It’s been a bit of a wild year for me. January was winter break which honestly I don’t have great memory of. I think we went to visit the grandparents and other family and it was fine if a bit boring. Then spring semester happened, which was quite stressful, there was just a lot going on. Had a very fun spring break trip with friends during it however, though that feels like ages ago now. Slipped into a severe depressive episode and wanted to die, which lead to me starting medication for the first time, zoloft, ativan and a bit after that, abilify. Slowly I was pulled out of the episode but still experienced a month or so of absolute apathy and anhedonia. I got my rattos (sadly during this apathetic time period, even though I’d wanted rats since middle school I felt rather bland about the whole experience) who I love dearly. I came out to my close friends about my mental illness. I came out to my parents about my lifelong struggle with mental illness and got their support for the first time in my life. I was finally rejecting a life of solitude and bitter secrets. I ended the semester on a high note.
Then summer vacation happened. I was taking classes with a friend. I had decided I no longer wished to be on abilify as I was sick of the awful side effects and scared it was interacting poorly with zoloft at the time. I dropped it and believe that as a result of this I was sent headfirst into another severe depressive episode. Self-harmed for the first time in my life, horribly angry at the world for keeping me alive…for my own safety I needed some form of hospitalization. I wanted to do IOP which would have still allowed me to stay in classes, but was told by doctors I needed inpatient. We compromised and I did PHP, which I ended up leaving against medical advice so I could still be in my classes for the second half of the summer. This backfired and I ended up failing the class I took the second half of summer because for some reason I was so deeply sleepy all the time I couldn’t stay awake or focus to study. Because of this I now am officially graduating late.
The fall semester started out rocky due to medication issues. I had quit sleep meds as I knew I couldn’t stay on a benzo forever, and had two solid weeks of severe insomnia where I had to train my brain to be able to sleep without them again. My urinary frequency/retention issue had become so severe I was getting up every 5 seconds at night to pee anyways and going did not relieve the urge. It was miserable. I ended up quitting zoloft too in hopes this would resolve the issue and it did reduce its severity a good deal, though the issue was still present. At this point I was off all medication as I had been taken off risperdal shortly before the semester started due to it causing elevated prolactin levels…anyways once I had quit all meds I had a fantastic month, did very well and was enjoying life. After that month I spiraled slowly into a moderate depressive episode. Was only studying and doing work for one of my classes. Going through the motions of life. Neglecting every aspect of my personal life. Even when I finally came out of this episode that lasted about two months I remained dysthymic for the rest of the semester, having very little energy or motivation. I was relieved to finish the semester, only to come home and immediately be stressed out by my family and have my depressive symptoms spike up again. So this past week I spent up at school relaxing in solitude in my apartment and had a good week, finally felt like the dysthymia was lifting…came home again today only to find that once again for some reason I find my family stressful and unpleasant for no particular reason. Feeling drained of life force again. All I can think about is how deeply tired I am. Perhaps when I am alone my lack of energy is not as noticeable because I can sleep most of the day and am not obligated to do anything. I “forgot” to bring my effexor (I could have easily went to get it before I left but chose not to) because it is giving me unpleasant sexual side effects and I have no interest in staying on it long term because of this, something I am avoiding telling my therapist for now because I know she is fed up with me dropping meds. Dropped my birth control to see if that had any part in the urinary issues, and they have improved once again. Seeing a doctor soon to try to resolve what has been causing them, with hope zoloft is innocent so I can go back on it.
My New Years resolution is to graduate. I can’t say that I’m at a very stable place right now. But hey, another year is over. What a jam packed one it’s been.