A secret channel

Hi I am 31, before I delve into my topic, I would like to ask what has mental illness taken from you? For me and I am going to get into it is mental, physical and verbal communication. I am going to go over the symptoms.

Ok I will attempt to describe it, as I have a picture in my mind of the framework of what has been constantly bugging me for years.

Have you ever wondered why another stranger looks down when ever you look up at him or her? Its like damnit don’t act that way. I noticed people don’t like looking at me. And all this beyond my control communication is going on. Its instantaneous. There is no way to manually manipulate it. It moves. It is what is running through your body. And when you look up, to see your surroundings, what do you see?

I’m always trying to be cool with people at my gym, this whole human body reaction thing I’ve been wondering about for years, I’m not trying to engulf in it because it drives me crazy thinking about it. You often wonder why pretty girl cashiers never look up at you. Its like what I am doing wrong? I don’t understand it, human communication that is. I’ve learned a lot as I have been studying it.

I went into my bank after a workout I was sweating still. And I felt a conscious moment of everybody in that bank reacting to my presence. No it’s not a spiritual thing. It’s like humans think so quickly that it is hard to catch what they may be hiding. But anyway A secret channel. The bankers behind the counter, they all had a channel open among themselves that customers would be like what the hell are they talking about?

This is just how my mind thinks. Because SZA made communication a real puzzle for me to put back together. And that is my definition of recovery. Everyday I grow wiser through effort. Some people unconsciously communicate without the symptom awareness that I have. Well I thank you for reading and I know these words were probably hard to make any sense of at all. But I like this forum because any SZ person no matter what is going on inside their mind can post and talk about it.

So there, thank you

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I think people who have bonds communicate in unnoticeable ways that others simply can’t see. For example, making eye contact with a friend during a lecture or while someone is ranting while we are all hanging out is like saying “this guy needs to shut up”, we can see it in each other’s face in less than a second, and the person ranting (usually someone drunk or high) doesnt have a clue that we are basically communicating to each other about how stupid he sounds.

Also, I used to sort of believe that other people had secret communication about me much like I do with my friends, but in delusional terms- like for example, If I was in a big auditorium sized class and a woman who fits my type walks by, I would assume that the people around me would non-verbally communicate to the professor what my reaction was, like they were studying what Mouse’s reaction to his ideal mate was, like I was a rat in a cage or something, which is simply delusional, chicks with nice bodies and fire red hair just simply exist. But I would feel guilty for immediately fantasizing about said random girl.

Then I would psychoanalyze myself and ask WHY I thought others were watching my reaction- nope, I concluded, it was I who was being conscious of my reaction, I felt threatened and also impulsive at the same time and was confused about my feelings.

Now I am aware of what my delusions were really all about, they were mostly about confusion as to what I was feeling and thinking (I had problems with my conscientiousness and psychopathic deviance running right into each other, I test highly for both, which makes for one really conflicted and often troubled psyche) and my paranoia, I believe, was actually me being distrustful of others, not them being distrustful of me, which is what my senses told me in hallucinations (I would hear people talking about what I had been doing, which made me think I was on TV or the internet like that movie The Truman Show).

It’s hard to explain how symptoms are sometimes basically the opposite of what we are thinking, like what I just said about paranoia being reversed. It’s like Freud’s Reaction-Formation defense mechanism, essentially. Say I didn’t trust others. So my brain makes me think THEY dont trust me. Reaction-formation is when our minds make us think the polar opposite of what troubles us in order to take away the anxiety of being at fault for thinking a certain way.

Some theoretical, psychoanalytic stuff. Hope it wasnt too hard to follow.


I think my dream world is mixed in my real world. It’s like mixing the two together and all sorts of stuff happens. Sometimes I think they are spirits. Sometimes I hear voices that help me. Like I was walking toward a big dog and didn’t know it. I heard a voice yell you’re going to get yourself killed.

I know people don’t want to listen to my talk. I know they get sick of me. So I don’t talk sometimes when I really try to talk to someone I get confused like the words won’t come out right and I can’t think clearly almost like I’m having two different conversations at the same time. But only one person is there. Then who am I having the second conversation with. Who and What is that entity. Why does my typing appear in two different sections on the screen. Why am I being duplicated. What are you people up to. Forget you secret channel.

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I followed you thanks for your response mortimermouse. You mention certain things that make more sense to me. Like bond and communication. And you described a situation as to how people can communicate in unnoticeable ways.

With the girl your type walking by, haha, yeah you were probably like “dat ass”. lol And the professor saw you as well as people around you. I doubt they would snitch on you. The professor had probably made a note in his head, like wow and had to readjust his composure before resuming class.

Yeah chicks with nice bodies throw off my ‘comlink’. It feels like I get hit with a shot of cocaine, I never tried cocaine was just an analogy. I get affected all the time, I’m like whoa that chick is fine. It’s a micro expression disease that throws me off kilter. And I think its the makeup that does it. Like causing me and other men delusions of beauty. Take the makeup off chick, I’d feel more normal.

Then the lack of contact is why most women dissapear from men. It’s like there has to be a bond saying anything under the sun to maintain attraction, I just can’t be silent with a woman of my interest. They often behave like deer and shy away. I ask myself then, wtf was wrong with the way I communicated? It really affects my self esteem.

That is a talent being able to psychoanalyze yourself. I debunk my feelings all the time. I get a little grandeur and I start flying mentally, meaning I lose control, I’m not a very good pilot. Neither am I pilot I’m just saying.

When my illness first started my distrust was huge. Were they being distrustful of me because I was feeling distrust? That is confusing.

I had a book on Freud, it goes without saying that he was highly experimental dude. I guess his psychology still is respected today although some of his ideas are out there. Those who understand him really are delving into deep ways of the mind.

Well we must be able as clear thinking people to differentiate between real world and dream world. Those two are mixed entities. What do voices ‘feel’ like I want to know? Imagine your spirit as your body and mind. You carry the composure how to talk, how fast, how loud, so many variables. Haha onscreen where you type is called a preview that is being duplicated. I think you spazzed out. Thats ok. I’m here to help and sacrifice my time to the further understanding of the mind and its illness. It affects all SZ, SZA, and bi polar. Its a sickness, a cure must be developed. Have a good one.

I live in a big city and people are scared poo less about making eye contact. Everyone… absolutely everyone is dead afraid to look up. Everyone walks with their eyes down. People are afraid of having to interact. No one makes eye contact and when they do, both parties are a bit nervous. No one says hello when passing on the street. Plus it’s a big town, you can’t say hi to everyone.

My sis doesn’t make eye contact with people if she has to work the front counter of her pool… I’ve seen it, the minute she does make eye contact the other person takes that as a cue to either A. hit on her B. make a complaint. C. Unload their life’s problems.

So she keeps her eyes down and her hands busy. When the cashier doesn’t look at you… You are not doing anything wrong… she’s most likely afraid of being hit on, yelled at or unloaded on.

As far as all the bankers… every occupation has it’s own language. The lifeguards all have their own, “knowing” They can ALL just look at a person and KNOW if that person is going to sink or swim. I don’t know how they do it, but they do.

A guy walks into the pool when my sis and another guard are on duty. A guy walks out to swim. My sis instantly gets out of the tower chair and walks over to the other guard. The other guard is already getting out of this deck shoes. The guy who just walked in is still not gotten in. My sis is out of her deck shoes now and has her self ready for a rescue.

Both guards are ready to make a rescue and this guy hasn’t hit the water yet. He sits in the bleacher for a moment and when he does get in, he surprised himself and goes into active drowning. My sis and the other guard are already in the water getting him to the side. They just KNEW. By the way he walked in, by some unknown channel, they just KNEW this guy wasn’t a swimmer and it was his first time to the pool.

If I ever hung out with you and the guys who also mix music, you would have a language I would never understand. If you ever hung out with me and the other surfers, you might not understand half our lingo. Every activity has it’s own culture.


This so so true especially for a single women walking alone. If I’m with someone I’m a little more friendly but when I’m a lone I don’t make eye contact as much. It’s sad but there is just too much to take into consideration. Too much to be on guard about.

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Some of these women need not flatter themselves. Some of them react in a way they are hotter than they actually are. And that bit of behavior is annoying. I told a cashier to make eye contact with her customers that they will like her better. And it’s company policy not to snob the customers. Better looking women have a natural mechanism or clairvoyance as to what a guy thinks of her. Please. Give a brother a break. They assume all guys are dogs. Maybe they think I am. I guess they are used to it and that’s their secret channel. Music making has a technical channel, engineer talk it is called. Let me tell you about it. It’s consists of volume levels, of the instruments, mixing, compression, equalization. People I have come in may not know exactly how they are hearing the music but they make a comment about it and I automatically know what to adjust. Some people have a real good ear but just do not understand what goes on with editing music, applying the observation to the sound application. Acoustics, mastering is the reason a song may sound harsh or bliss. Every instrument gets mixed to right level so when you hear you can make comments like wow that sub bass is deep. Or that snare is crisp, that kick has punch. And the best engineers are successful because they can make vocals for example Katy Perry’s or Adel e’s sound so audibly perfect. I made many instrumentals that are of radio quality. However getting my foot in the industry door has defied all my attempts so far. Have a good one thanks for reading.

I think this is very common in larger cities. For example, There is a well-known social norm that you don’t make eye contact in New York City. This is common in many other large cities too. Its nothing specific to the person - its the city environment and the overwhelming nature of so many people in these cities.


As for lingo and jargon, I think it’s very interesting. If you listen to lifters talk between sets, oh boy. What all that crap means took some research for me to figure out. “Rebound, lockout, the hole, negative, drop sets, failure, super sets, bomb, quarter, dime, nickel, wraps, wheel, raw, single, double, triple” sounds like a bunch of word salad, doesnt it?

“I bombed a raw single with wraps, I didn’t lockout” = “I benched pressed once while not wearing a bench press shirt but was wearing wraps around my wrists, and I didn’t finish the press and the spotters had to pull the weight off of me.”

See how it shortens the statement so much? So neat

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I been working out at the gym for years and I don’t even know most the power lifting lingo.

I just wanted to say that pretty girls have a lot more self confidence then the rest of us. If it is a really pretty girl, she knows and has the confidence to show it. Besides, no one is going to yell at a pretty girl even if she is snotty… because she’s pretty.

If a girl was really pretty but snotty, would you say anything? But if the girl wasn’t so pretty and didn’t make eye contact, you might feel more at ease about saying something.

It’s us not so pretty ones that people like to yell at and reprimand. I’ve been yelled at for everything to the temp of the water, the size of the parking lot, to the number of toilets in the men’s. I have no control over any of that. But if I was pretty, no one would yell at me for this. So I keep my eyes down and answer questions with a yes or no and say thank you and then move on quickly.

If the girl isn’t pretty and doesn’t make eye contact, she might just be scared to make eye contact like I am sometimes. If a pool member say’s hi and then moves on and then next time just says… Hi there, how’s the day going.

I start to feel like they aren’t going to yell at me about the weather. Then I feel better about saying hi to them.

If the girls aren’t so pretty, please be patient and maybe just let yourself know, it’s not you… it’s us. Our self-confidence has been trashed.

Thank you for letting me post.


Hi! and thank you. Are you J’s kidsister, because I read you mentioned something about pools.

You stated:

If a girl was really pretty but snotty, would you say anything? But if the girl wasn’t so pretty and didn’t make eye contact, you might feel more at ease about saying

My response:

Honestly I would not. Girls pretty or not it does not make it easier for me to say something. In fact the awkward silence. I’d rather be around a pretty snotty girl who is at least vocal and makes eye contact. I would have more to discuss about with her. Rather than timid and shy.

…sorry you have been yelled at. It’s beauty which separates, I think pretty ones would get yelled at just the same. Unless your a boss and she is his ulterior motive.

You said:

If the girls aren’t so pretty, please be patient and maybe just let yourself know, it’s not you… it’s us. Our self-confidence has been trashed.

Thank you for letting me post.

You are welcome. It’s not just y’all it is us. What would you want a guy asking? Or saying to you? Perhaps something to help with confidence.


Yep, I’m the kid sis. :wave:

Thank you for posting back. I don’t think the guy would need to ask anything just say hello and nice pool. Or nice place. I’m sorry to say I am a bit shy when I’m up on the front desk. I’m more at ease on the deck so I talk more.

But for the shy girls, maybe start with something positive then girls like me won’t feel like “OH, here comes another angry patron ready to yell at us.”

Something simple usually works with me. Sorry to say I am timid. I should work on that. I’m not trying to be stuck-up. I just get tired of being yelled at so I shy away.

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I’m surprised to hear you say this because you really are a pretty girl:) I don’t think that picture I saw of you was lying, lol. I was pretty shy when I was your age too, but when I got into my late 20’s and 30’s I gained more confidence. I remember in high school and college when I finally got to know someone well, many of them would comment how surprised they were at how friendly I actually was, they always thought I was stuck up, but that was not the case at all, I was just shy.

It is true in the big city there is not too much eye contact going on. And as @BarbieBF said as a woman out there you have to be careful because sometimes your intention is to be friendly but some men read more into it (some men, not all:). But inside the office building it is common and considered polite to acknowledge coworkers with eye contact, head nod and/or smile, whether you personally know them or not. I recall one guy who would never acknowledge you, even if it was just you and him walking past one another in a hallway he would keep his eyes down while passing you. I knew he was originally from Finland. Several years later I saw a 20/20 Special on the Finnish people, how it is their culture to make no eye contact at all, even in circumstances where most people would. And I thought, well that explains his demeanor!


Hi kidsister it is my pleasure to speak to you and I appreciate your kindness to share your replies.

From what J said your not timid I don’t believe that. People who work desks have to practice their friendly encounters with patrons.

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Oh man I know exactly what you’re talking about when u say secret channel. All that stuff happens to me too. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is on some secret channel and when I show up (walk into, walk by, go to someone’s house etc) the fact that I’m not connected into their secret channel throws everyone off and they look at eachother while occasionally peaking at my direction. It’s hard to explain to people that haven’t had it happen to them. It does feel like The Truman Show at times for me. But in a scared oh man how are they able to understand eachother so well and I can’t kind of way. I find it extremely difficult to understand socialization which is partly why I isolate. And one of the reasons I drank so heavily and drugged. Now I’m sober and I feel like I’m tripping! Or everyone is communicating in the Secret channel.
And sometimes when it peaks I feel like what I’m saying comes out with multiple meanings, metaphors etc. I’ll be in the middle of a sentance and start seeing two meanings and want to stop talking all together! But that would make things even more complicated and awkward. That’s a really neat way of explaining it with the name secret channel

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Hey kidsister I thought you looked really cute in your picture from a couple months ago. I think most people would think so too.


I feel like your on my secret channel too mcxmac. Because you know what I’m talking about. What do you mean mcxmac, what is it that peaks? I didn’t get that part did you mean your emotions? I try and hold mine steady but certain situations jolt me. I hate it when my thoughts accidentally become perverted does this happen to any of you? I’m attending Archery and a person is describing the length of his stabilizer in inches on his bow. And I became embarrassed because thought he could of been referring to the size of his manhood. But don’t get me wrong I’m not gay its just funny. Its channels like those when people tune in to each other, I can stop hiding my emotions and matters become clear. I have difficulty when dealing with couple or husband and wife. There’s like this secret channel between those two, but it is something exclusive to them. Although each wife or husband personally have their own channel with me, unless its shared among the three of us.

Today has been a social day for my SZA self, made two contacts and talking with y’all. Old coworker and middle school classmate. And you notice like the length it takes for them to reply back I be insecure. Like I’m afraid what I texted did not make enough sense to them or was non sensical. But I usually get a text back later from them, debunking my belief that there was something wrong I said.

Also another problem with peoples channels among themselves for me. I was talking with my old middle school class mate at a book store. She is my age somewhat attractive. But she didn’t tell me her spanish tutor was on her way. And when she showed up I overreacted, partly since she was more attractive. And I abandoned my conversation with my classmate. I couldn’t fit in a convo with them both didn’t know how to. So I can handle talk with one person at a time. But with more than one, is something I’ll have to learn in these here future days. Have a good one, be blessed.

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When I said ‘peak’ I mean my experience and emotions or sz symptoms. It’s almost like a wave, some days I hardly notice anything and then it builds and builds and builds and peaks either I have an episode (not very often) or things get realllly intense if that makes any sense. For example, one day ill hear someone say something and it is what it is; but, like what you said with the archery I eventually start hearing other meanings more frequently. I get frustrated sometimes when I have a day that it happens in many interactions that would to most people be benign. Such as the inches being the size of his johnson. I hope that made ‘peak’ make more sense to you?
I have the exact same problem with texting and they take a while to respond. What did I say? Did I say something inappropriate or something? But you’re right usually they respond in a manner that makes me feel like everything is fine. I also have much better interactions one on one. Something happens when I get ‘outnumbered’ I don’t know how to act. And sometimes when I have to have such interactions, I think they’re talking about me to eachother in a secret channel, especially if they both look at eachother after I say something or if they both start laughing.

For instance with the texting, I called a friend today to hang out and they didn’t answer; then I was fighting the urge to text or call again… then I got confused, (are they avoiding me? would calling again or texting make me come off too strong or whatever?) felt awkward and eventually they responded several hours later that they just saw the missed call and I realised that everything was fine.

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