Schizophrenia.com

A Question To All People Who Are In Good Place In Their Recovery

Do you ever feel all alone like I do? I feel as if I am too crazy for the sane, and too sane for the crazy.

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I’m doing well I think… I can get through my day…

But yeah… too boring and sane for the crazy…

to out there and crazy for the sane…

In the same boat…

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I feel like I can’t keep up with the sane. It’s like I’m outclassed in every way. I remember getting on pretty well with the ‘insane’ when I was in hospital though. But a hospital is a contrived environment.

This is where I’m at. Could be a bit of the depression as well, though, telling me I’m boring and a drag these days, but still not really functional.

I feel I’m too sane for the sane surrounding me… :confused: lol
Anyway, yeah, lonesome.

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I feel all alone, but it is because I am too crazy for the sane, and too crazy for the crazy.

Your question triggered some reflections on my last year/half a year, so here’s a long read :slight_smile:

Yes I can relate to that… no more positive symptoms for quite a while now, and the negatives seem manageable. For quite a while I had been troubled by the events of psychosis. Maybe troubled is not the right term here, rather preoccupied. I wanted to understand what happened in a way I could relate to, for psychoses made a big impact on me. I am not sure how big of a deal this is for others that have gone through psychoses. For me it seemed like something to take care of along the road of recovery. You know, psychosis can be experienced, among many other things, as quite a blow to one’s sense of identity, who one is, where one stands… These have been issues I felt I had to sort out somewhere along the road of recovery.

I sometimes think of this as reconstructing a coherent narrative about myself. Psychosis can present a challenge to the flow of such a narrative… it did to me. Looking back at it, that is to say, narrating my past life, I was doing more or less alright, nothing too extreme it seemed, and then I found myself in the world of psychosis which is so radically different, foreign and alien to the world I was used to. I wanted some account of how I ended up there… It did not sit easy with me to leave these episodes that had had such an impact on me unaccounted for. It would take a bit of philosophy to clarify what I was after further… but maybe this sketch will do:

I think many people, with or without MI, think of themselves at times in terms of some narrative… just an account of what actions one took at certain times and which were significant for what and so on. And experiences that are significant are to make sense within such a story - one that is being written and re-written all the time. It may be what you’d tell someone when asked for your ‘life-story’.

In this sense I felt psychoses were hard to fit into the narrative… breaches or gaps in the story, so to speak. I saw it as part of recovery to try and tie it all together. Idk why but I thought this was important. Being a philosophy student I had some means to try and do that, so I wrote my thesis on understanding schizophrenic delusions in this sense of understanding. Which is certainly not some sort of neuroscientific understanding - then again, I do not think in ordinary circumstances we use that kind of vocabulary when thinking about ourselves in terms of such a narrative. So for instance, when telling someone about your time in college, what made you choose which courses and so on, you’d typically not go into a neuroscientific account of the mechanisms that made you act such and such… Rather you’d speak in terms of choices, actions, values…

Anyway, for the last 9 months or so I had been writing my master thesis in philosophy about pretty much these issues. Reconstructing my narrative in the process as it were. I graduated a few weeks ago and though the thesis surely did not cover everything, I do have a sense of closure and coherency in this narrative about myself now. Such that, coinciding with this new phase in life that any fesh graduate faces, I feel like a new phase in my recovery is reached.

This takes me back to your opening question - which group do I relate to most? While grappling with this issue of a narrative I certainly related more to other sz’s in the struggle. For I saw this as an important part of the aftermath of psychosis that needed ‘treatment’ so to speak - and as such it was pretty much still part of the whole matter. Now that I feel that has been dealt with… I do not see that many specific issues I still need to tackle in order to recover further… Now it is just about living like any ordinary person needs to live a life. I had wanted to do a Phd research into philosophy of psychiatry, and I still find this immensely interesting, but there is also a sense of having to leave the whole subject matter behind me. To go and do something entirely unrelated and as such move even further towards a life that is quite indiscernable from those not affected by MI. Which would have me move further towards relating to those not affected…

So for me, at this phase in life, the question you posed appears also as a bit of a choice about what direction I am about to take… To get into further research into this, will have me be preoccupied with it, and stay firmly identified with it more so than if I am to take a wholly different route - I think.

I went to a support group and a day centre i made new friends who i can talk to because they all have issues so i feel comfortable