What if I somehow wrote my thoughts?
Scribbled them down as they entered my head?
Where would they take me?
Would you want to go too?
Is this how it is for everyone?
In the middle of the night when sleep eludes
Tired but kept awake
By the rattling of the crazy train
Sometimes I scare myself
I struggle in the night
Unable to control the random thoughts
That race through my mind
Perhaps if I knew where they came from
If I could blame them on someone else
If I could say they were not my own
That I would never be responsible for that sort of thing
That I am just a conduit
A receiver, a transmitter
A holding tank for the rubbish of the galaxy
I don’t want to take ownership of my musings
I don’t want to admit to the contents of my head
I keep them secret
Taking each thought as it comes
And locking it away in a little box
To be disposed of at the earliest opportunity
Words best left unsaid, unspoken
Words that hurt and disgust and maim
Words that haunt me as I float on that cusp
Between awake and asleep, where there is no control
Words that I have no waking memory of
Only their shadow etched into the fabric of my mind
Their meaning pulling at my frayed edges
Threatening to unravel that vital thread that holds me together
I have no defences in that place
That strange state of being on the edge of awareness
That infinite stretch of consciousness
Wavering between nothing and everything
Sometimes I feel myself falling
Falling far beyond the boundaries of sleep
Into a bottomless abyss
Hurtling towards nothingness at terminal velocity
Until the invisible rope jerks tight
Wrenching me back into awareness
Into a place more safe, more familiar
Where I know how to navigate the bends
Without skidding off the road into danger
Where I can recognise the signs and avoid peril
Choose to take a different path
Where I can walk without staring at the ground
Expecting at any moment to stumble into a gaping hole
And fall and keep on falling through limitless space
Lost in the gaps between reality
Where the dust and debris of life rots away
Remnants clinging to the surfaces of my inner being
The waste products of the universe
Polluting my purity and innocence
As I walk, run and stumble
Through that unknown, nameless place.
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