Im so so tired of pretending Im not 10 kinds of fcked up. I have 2 more months left in my internship, defend my thesis, and Im done
Dont know what Ill do after, prob go back to the US and go to either IOP or some inpatient program somewhere
Im a shell of my former self. I have my victories but Im still nowhere near the person I used to be. A broken machine that just keeps going because thats what its there to do
Im trying my best and holding on to hope. Still, I dont have a social life anymore since I stopped my meds and it hasnt returned, dont date anymore, dont take care of myself and have a constant feeling of deep, deep dread
The saccadic eye movements used to not bother me but now people notice. I know they do.
You’re not a shell of your former self. You’re still super talented and intelligent and you don’t seem socially awkward to me. Maybe you don’t feel great. Iop would probably be a good start. Take it easy for now. You’re doing the best u can. It’s not easy what ur doing
Hey man. You deserve happiness. You will find it. I know that about you because I see a lot of myself in you, specifically the trait of never letting yourself just roll over and accept defeat. Things are bad now. They’ll be bad for a while. And you will keep trying new things until something works to make it slightly less bad. And then you’ll build from there. It isn’t easy, and you would never take the easy path anyways. But you will survive, and grow, and find a place where you are happy.
Anf please remember. You are enough. As you are. Not because of your degree, not because of your brains, not because of what you’re capable of doing. You are enough because you’re a person.
Thanks man. Maybe the voices just want to delude me into thinking this way. Idk
All I know is everyone is so friendly to me at the office and it just feels fake. Im just now realizing maybe its cuz I just have rock bottom self esteem atm lol
Thanks ninja. I used to be a huge quitter believe it or not and in some aspects I still am. Bail on social gatherings all the time these days lol thats why no one irl hits me up much anymore.
Now not so much. One good thing the illness has given me is I weirdly get sht done. I think its to spite the voices
Thats the plan. And Im not gonna do it in french fck that. So I guess the US is the way to go. Im gonna look up programs in my dads area later this evening
I told him whats up but he has a girlfriend and I feel like Id be kinda imposing a bit. But Ill end up in a ward sooner or later so I gotta do something
There’s a difference between quitting things you no longer enjoy or that no longer help, and quitting on yourself. Every time you get to a point where you could either give up or try something new, you always try something new. There are many points in your life where I have seen different people decide to stop trying. You never do. You change your approach. It’s that engineer brain, always looking for solutions. But it’s also just this intrinsic sense of self-preservation. As low as your self-esteem is right now, I think you know deep down that you have a future worth fighting for.
@Ninjastar thanks but Ive def quit on myself before lol. Mostly due to social anxiety even tho I have the capabiliity to socialize fine. However I did figure it out inn the end. Still thats the low self esteem
@LevelJ1 hell yeah haha Ive gotta get on that. Dont have time yet, but Ive got a plan
I think you are doing fine if you are defending your thesis while also having SA. I couldn’t do that because of social anxiety. In fact I think all the social anxiety and constant thinking of making presentations in class led to my breakdowns.
Thanks again @Ninjastar. I cycle like this tho and I feel like I just end up lower at the end every time. Im worried about this downward trend, will I quit forever eventually?
@Cragger definitely am burnt out man haha I really need to get the ship right. We shall see my friend. Really dug your tune btw, excited for the next one
@angledangle thanks Im better at presenting now since Ive done it so much so I can do that fine usually. Its like separate from talking to someone and having a conversation in my mind. Like youre talking at them instead of with them if that makes sense