Schizophrenia.com

A broken machine that by some miracle keeps running

Im so so tired of pretending Im not 10 kinds of fcked up. I have 2 more months left in my internship, defend my thesis, and Im done

Dont know what Ill do after, prob go back to the US and go to either IOP or some inpatient program somewhere

Im a shell of my former self. I have my victories but Im still nowhere near the person I used to be. A broken machine that just keeps going because thats what its there to do

Im trying my best and holding on to hope. Still, I dont have a social life anymore since I stopped my meds and it hasnt returned, dont date anymore, dont take care of myself and have a constant feeling of deep, deep dread

The saccadic eye movements used to not bother me but now people notice. I know they do.

7 Likes

You’re not a shell of your former self. You’re still super talented and intelligent and you don’t seem socially awkward to me. Maybe you don’t feel great. Iop would probably be a good start. Take it easy for now. You’re doing the best u can. It’s not easy what ur doing

2 Likes

Hey man. You deserve happiness. You will find it. I know that about you because I see a lot of myself in you, specifically the trait of never letting yourself just roll over and accept defeat. Things are bad now. They’ll be bad for a while. And you will keep trying new things until something works to make it slightly less bad. And then you’ll build from there. It isn’t easy, and you would never take the easy path anyways. But you will survive, and grow, and find a place where you are happy.

5 Likes

Anf please remember. You are enough. As you are. Not because of your degree, not because of your brains, not because of what you’re capable of doing. You are enough because you’re a person.

3 Likes

sorry to hear you not doing so well =(
maybe inpatient program could help you… i think that is a good idea!

1 Like

Thanks man. Maybe the voices just want to delude me into thinking this way. Idk

All I know is everyone is so friendly to me at the office and it just feels fake. Im just now realizing maybe its cuz I just have rock bottom self esteem atm lol

1 Like

Thanks ninja. I used to be a huge quitter believe it or not and in some aspects I still am. Bail on social gatherings all the time these days lol thats why no one irl hits me up much anymore.

Now not so much. One good thing the illness has given me is I weirdly get sht done. I think its to spite the voices

Perhaps an intensive partial patient program could help you. It sounds like you need more than just counselor and pdoc appointments.

1 Like

Thanks @lekkerhondje and @Zannah

Thats the plan. And Im not gonna do it in french fck that. So I guess the US is the way to go. Im gonna look up programs in my dads area later this evening

I told him whats up but he has a girlfriend and I feel like Id be kinda imposing a bit. But Ill end up in a ward sooner or later so I gotta do something

3 Likes

Ok. Well I hope you get the help you need

1 Like

There’s a difference between quitting things you no longer enjoy or that no longer help, and quitting on yourself. Every time you get to a point where you could either give up or try something new, you always try something new. There are many points in your life where I have seen different people decide to stop trying. You never do. You change your approach. It’s that engineer brain, always looking for solutions. But it’s also just this intrinsic sense of self-preservation. As low as your self-esteem is right now, I think you know deep down that you have a future worth fighting for.

3 Likes

I’m in the same boat. Just gotta keep repairing the machine.

I’ve been listening to some audio books on good habits and stuff lately.

2 Likes

The title sounds like my car.

2 Likes

@ninjastar thanks but Ive def quit on myself before lol. Mostly due to social anxiety even tho I have the capabiliity to socialize fine. However I did figure it out inn the end. Still thats the low self esteem

@LevelJ1 hell yeah haha Ive gotta get on that. Dont have time yet, but Ive got a plan

@Enlightenedbeing Did you check the oil? lol

2 Likes

It doesn’t count as quitting on yourself unless it’s permanent.

3 Likes

I gave up for a while after the crash, but I’m trying again and getting back on track. You will to

I think you’re just burnt out right now

1 Like

I think you are doing fine if you are defending your thesis while also having SA. I couldn’t do that because of social anxiety. In fact I think all the social anxiety and constant thinking of making presentations in class led to my breakdowns.

2 Likes

Thanks again @ninjastar. I cycle like this tho and I feel like I just end up lower at the end every time. Im worried about this downward trend, will I quit forever eventually?

@Cragger definitely am burnt out man haha I really need to get the ship right. We shall see my friend. Really dug your tune btw, excited for the next one :slight_smile:

@deezinageorge thanks Im better at presenting now since Ive done it so much so I can do that fine usually. Its like separate from talking to someone and having a conversation in my mind. Like youre talking at them instead of with them if that makes sense

1 Like

That is interesting.

I have the converse problem. I can make conversations with people individually but dread speaking in front of a group of people.

1 Like

Btw what is your thesis that you have to defend?

Are you doing a PHD?

1 Like