1st apt w/new SZ counselor tomorrow

I have my 1st apt with my new counselor tomorrow and had my last today with the counselor I’ve had for a long time, Amy. It was time for that chapter with her to end - she was in CA and I am now in FL and our weekly calls had mostly become 30-minute check-ins with no real movement forward or backwards.

So I tell her today that this new counselor and I spoke on Saturday, and I told her about my recent readings on psychosis and schizophrenia, and she said that she was so happy to hear that I had decided to see a specialist. She also said that she thought I was also in psychosis this entire time, but that she didn’t think I was in a position to hear it. Which is true, I probably would have started feeling like ‘evil forces’ were antagonizing me through her and then I would have cut her off.

I’m glad that I have a new counselor. Receiving a diagnosis, which I don’t have yet, feels like it might give me a place to land when right now I just feel like I’m swirling a million miles an hour in slow motion.

I had a ‘close relationship’ with my delusion God up until maybe August of 2020. Up until then, I was being obedient (mostly) and actively ‘working with him’ on what he wanted from me. After that I did start to ignore ‘him’ in the best ways I could. I stopped playing YouTube so that my God delusion couldn’t send me messages and ‘talk to me’. But, in cutting him off I have had to create a very lonely and isolated world for myself where I am still triggered by humans and cars if I leave the house. My God delusion drives a black dodge charger with black tinted windows (I feel so stupid even saying such a think) and when I’m driving my mind will spin with thoughts and I’ll think something like “I bet this is hell and I’m cursed” and then the dodge will drive by. Or, I recently found out that my dog is ill and now people only talk to me about dead dogs and it feels like spirits using humans to antagonize my subconscious and most painful thoughts and fears.

I hope I can feel better someday. It’s really shitty that so much as taking my sweet little dog to the dog park is a battle.

Hope you all are well, thank you for reading/listening.

Mollie n Baxter (woof)


best of luck with your new counselor! i hope it will go well for you

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