Today and yesterday have been horrible days for me. The noise in my head has been constant. I feel like I have racing thoughts, every time I start thinking about one thing, fifty more things pop up in my head. It’s accompanied by random noise, like I’m in a crowded room, but I’m in the dark, except little post-it type notes pop up randomly, or other screens with words appearing…like someone typing in word but so fast I can’t read what they’re typing.
If that wasn’t bad enough I’m having issues with negative images of me hurting myself like taking a knife and slitting my wrist, or sticking a pillow over my head so I can’t breathe, or overdosing on medications. Then when I see those images the pop-ups start back up again, the racing thoughts happen again, and the noise starts up again…and it just goes over and over in my head. Nothing I do stops it. It just keeps going like on a continuous loop. I don’t know what to do. It’s just bad.
Nothing seems to be relaxing enough for me anymore. The games I play all seem boring, and learning something new is just too frustrating at the moment. I can’t read because the words start swirling around the page like whirlwind. I don’t have the concentration to focus on watching a movie, barely have the concentration for a half-hour TV show. Then there’s only so much TV I can stand at one time.
I know I should set up an appointment with my doctor, but what can she do to do to help me? I also don’t know if I can afford an appointment at the moment. Maybe I can call tonight and see if I can get one set up for next month sometime. What if I’m not having problems then, and things quiet down again? Should I still set one up? I just want my head to be quiet, I just want to be normal.
I would say to try and relax, but you mentioned that not working. Maybe a nice bath? Sounds like your mind is a little overactive. Avoid stimulants maybe.
Excersise helps me work through the really bad psychotic episodes.
Try body squats where you cross your arms in front hold your elbows and lower your body as low as you can keeping centered do 20 in a row . Do this 5 times.
Just don’t push push yourself so hard you hyperventilate.that could be bad.
Maybe try writing it all down on paper. Although sometimes I’ve found typing it out on the computer on something like word better. Just keep venting getting all in your head out.
Hopefully it will clear after a sleep if not definitely call your pdoc.
It’s after hours for my doctor, so I left a message saying I’d like to set up an appointment. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her, and probably should go in anyway. When I get the appointment set up I’ll print out what I wrote and show it to her because I tend to clam up when I go and try to talk about it.
The noise is calming down some but I think I should still make an appointment, these little attacks seem to be coming more and more frequently. While they’re shorter attacks I think I should get a handle on them before a full on relapse hits.
Today has been better for me, the noise and images flashing in my head like a computer screen flashing pop-up’s has stopped for now. I slept well today. I’m just relaxing playing on the computer listening to Britney Spears.
My doctor’s office called me back today; apparently I had an appointment set up in March that I completely forgot about. I don’t really want to go all the way down there, especially now that I’m feeling better. I know this would be a good time to go (when I’m well and not in an episode). I guess I’m just exhausted from the past couple of days with the noise and the flashing images.
It’s not really hallucinations I don’t think. I guess I don’t know what else they’d be. It’s not like when I thought there were spiders on my wall, or when my quilt looked like it was moving on its own one night. It’s like I described before where it’s like being bogged down with pop-up ad’s in my head. Someone’s finally turned the computer in my brain off apparently giving me a day of quiet and relative normality. Worn out but quiet, I’ll take it compared to what I’ve been through the past couple of days.
if only my allegories weren’t bothering me today might have been perfect. If it’s not one thing it’s another I guess. I just wanted to let everyone know I’m in a better mood tonight than last night’s frantic post. I think I’ll be okay until March. If not I can always see if she’ll let me come in sooner.