I know most experts believe integration to be an element of clinical lore, but I realized last night that . . . the doctor I saw in the hospital the first time I went in for being crazy, when I drank and took Xanax, trying to get the hallucinations to call an ambulance so I could prove to everyone they were real (that really was my goal, incidentally) . . . that first shrink had me explaining my paranoia and I said people were listening to me and he asked, “And?” as though he was confused that that should matter. The notion is that they’re judging me. I can make rational assessments of myself that are probably more accurate, objectively, than my emotional judgments, but I can’t experience the emotional judgments, most specifically because of the shame that accompanies some of them. So, I delegate it to the delusion.
So what? So, I’ve had the most stable night, and especially, behaviorally, the most normal night I’ve had alone when I wasn’t glued to the computer possibly since first going crazy. I think more could come of it. The emotional judgments will impact my behavior some, and in tandem with kicking myself out of the door to do things as well as I can, as life changes, the severity of the judgments will reduce and . . . perhaps it could even lead to me feeling motivation again? I can build inertia, at times when I’m especially balanced I can feel accomplishment, but it’s inertia and compulsion that keep me going at anything I do. Along with an improved moment to moment emotional state, less susceptibility to random harsh tones and scowls from random strangers others, which can destroy my sense self-worth when they occur, something I’ve become so afraid of that I rarely venture much, socially . . . in addition to all that, motivation maybe, actually being drawn through life by desire as opposed to being pushed around by fear. It’s something to hope for, at any rate.