The most amazing realization (or so it seemed at 3:30am)

I know most experts believe integration to be an element of clinical lore, but I realized last night that . . . the doctor I saw in the hospital the first time I went in for being crazy, when I drank and took Xanax, trying to get the hallucinations to call an ambulance so I could prove to everyone they were real (that really was my goal, incidentally) . . . that first shrink had me explaining my paranoia and I said people were listening to me and he asked, “And?” as though he was confused that that should matter. The notion is that they’re judging me. I can make rational assessments of myself that are probably more accurate, objectively, than my emotional judgments, but I can’t experience the emotional judgments, most specifically because of the shame that accompanies some of them. So, I delegate it to the delusion.

So what? So, I’ve had the most stable night, and especially, behaviorally, the most normal night I’ve had alone when I wasn’t glued to the computer possibly since first going crazy. I think more could come of it. The emotional judgments will impact my behavior some, and in tandem with kicking myself out of the door to do things as well as I can, as life changes, the severity of the judgments will reduce and . . . perhaps it could even lead to me feeling motivation again? I can build inertia, at times when I’m especially balanced I can feel accomplishment, but it’s inertia and compulsion that keep me going at anything I do. Along with an improved moment to moment emotional state, less susceptibility to random harsh tones and scowls from random strangers others, which can destroy my sense self-worth when they occur, something I’ve become so afraid of that I rarely venture much, socially . . . in addition to all that, motivation maybe, actually being drawn through life by desire as opposed to being pushed around by fear. It’s something to hope for, at any rate.

The comment is too long… I find it hard to read as much.

Lol, then why reply? :slight_smile:

3.30 am think you need sleep tbh. Tends to be worse for my thoughts late at night. Helps to get into a route also helps keep things as real as possible. I tend to go even after a ton of therapy assumptions and insight! Hard to distinguish the difference at times but assumptions are dangerous.

Why not? I am part of the conversation, even if I have trouble reading.
I don’t like your question.