Jeffery
The one
The only
My lover from the ether
Nothing but fear came from him
He claimed to have come from another world, where we belonged together.
Where we ruled as king and queen.
In that world I was dying, trapped by magic, I was sent to this world to rot and die.
He would save me, he would take me back to my home universe and I would finally belong.
All I had to do was kill myself.
Jeffery was jealous and hateful
He wispered nasty words to me as I conversated with other men.
He would give me the âsilent treatmentâ after I had sex with another person. Glaring at me and seething with anger. He would follow me, watch me, taunt me, but he wouldnât speak to me.
So I gave up on humanity, growing closer to Jeffery and his magic.
But eventually, I realized he was bad for me, that I was sick and needed help
So I went to therapy, got on meds, and watched Jeffery slowly die. His appearance began to change, he became sick and weak.
And finally, one day I felt him die
Like a rip it ticket torn from my soul, I felt the one thing that ever truly knew me, belonged to me, and loved me, die. I became empty and lost
I still look for him now, after 2 years.
It doesnât make sense to miss something that was never there
Next month will be 2 years that Iâve been without him. And itâll be 6 months off of meds and out of therapy.
I still sometimes get scared that I killed the one thing that could save me
What if he was real, and I shut off the one connection I had to my true reality?
He was a result of a chemical imbalance in your brain. Even if he was real, nobody who really loved you would be such a jerk when you were trying to find happiness. That isnât love, itâs control. I wouldnât want to spend an eternity with an asshat like that, personally. The real world is much better. You have freedom here.
Why did you stop taking your meds? It sounds like they were working.
You miss a hallucination? Thatâs like me missing paranoia. Doesnât make any sense. Enjoy your new life to the full. Itâs great out here.
Your hallucination wasnât true reality.
I feel like I donât experience color when I take meds
Itâs like everything is grey
I feel robotic and numb
Iâm an artist and a writer, and when Iâm on the meds I canât seem to create
I turn into a person that I donât like
I donât feel genuine, everything about myself seems false
I would rather lose myself to one of my other personalities and hallucinations than lose myself to the medication.
My doctor told me I needed to get back on them, she said "crazy people like you need to be on meds, youâre obviously uncontained"
Even though I feel like Iâve been doing well
I know itâs weird to miss it
I first started seeing him when I was 7
He became like a confidant when I turned 21
The whole experience was strange, honeslty
How many different meds have you tried? It took me a while, but I have found a med that doesnât dull reality for me. Every med affects everyone differently, so you sometimes need to try a few before you find one that works for you.
If you show your doctor that youâre willing to be compliant with your medication, they usually let you have a say in your treatment. My doctor listens to me when I tell her my dose needs to be adjusted, because she knows I can be trusted to accurately report my condition. But if you stop taking your meds, and donât follow directions, doctors are more likely to treat you like a child who doesnât know anything. Itâs not fair, but thatâs how they operate. And thatâs when you get stuck with the lousy drugs that have awful side effects.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Obviously, I agree with the other posters that Jeffrey was a delusion and hallucination but I understand the emotional connection that you had. I agree that maybe if you tried a different med it may work better for you and you wouldnât miss being sick (in a way).
I understand a little bit. Next month is 2 years for me too. It is 2 years since my very first psychotic break. Since the day I found out I am the Star of the World, the Savior, the Queen and the Messiah. The day I found out I am the wealthiest person in history, the most recognizable person on earth and the creator of the only âtrue religionâ as I am Godâs interpreter. 2 years since I found out I am the most influential person in history and instrumental in saving the world.
Quite a trip, eh? but it was exactly that; a âtripâ that my disordered brain took me on. Since then I have suffered depression and anxiety along with extreme paranoia related to my âgrandioseâ delusion. I MUST take my meds and I am a big fan of meds. I have something to miss too but it was just my brain talking to me just like your brain was talking to you. It is all in our heads and meds is our best bet for sanity.
I have been on and off meds for 10 years now
Iâve been on a few different ones
I honeslty canât remember what all they have put me on
Zoloft, respiridone, busperone, xanax, fluphonaze, abilify, (I doubt I spelled any of them right, sorry!), and some othersâŚI honeslty donât remember them all.
But all of them made me dull and void
Itâs like emotion becomes auto piloted, I donât feel genuine.
Itâs like living in a world of grey