Q: What do you feed a woman to stop her from having sex?
A: Wedding Cake.
Q: What do you feed a woman to stop her from having sex?
A: Wedding Cake.
What do you call a person from Mars?
A plumber, as they have a leak down there.
Q : What’s brown and sticky?
A : A stick.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=john+oliver+mental+illness
What the comedian says about mental health
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Don’t be ridiculous – Californians don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb? A: What, me move?
Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb? A: II
Q: How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb? A: A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.
Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libras can’t decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They LIKE the dark.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb? A: The light’s fine as it is.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb? A: What light bulb? And finally…
Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb? A: “Don’t ask me now, Mercury’s retrograde!”
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I’ve had a burping problem the last couple of days… there is an unburped bubble of air stuck in my stomach. So I thought it would be a great oppurtunity to make fun of the Bible. I said “if Jesus was here, he’s say, ‘Come out of him!’ and the burp would plead, ‘Get away from me, Jesus Christ, Son of God’”
Needless to say, I got a few laughs here and there.
Also we went to an Asian wannabe PF Changs called Pei Wei. The food was overpriced and nothing special, so I said “Pei Wei too much for shitty food”.
I like to smoke marijuaanaa! -excerpt from song entitled Marijuana in my Soul
Well is no joke… I like to smoke marijuana. But I figure silliness counts and if it shows at leas one crooked toothed smile then it’s worth it.
Why did the computer forget it’s name? It was out of memory
Did you hear about the coffee cup who got robbed? It was mugged.
A pirate walks into a bar.
Bartender: You’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants.
Pirate: Arr I know and it’s driving me nuts!
Helen Keller walks into a bar…then a table, then a chair…
Bwahahaha!
Did you hear about the sleepwalking nun? She was a roamin’ Catholic.
Oh man… That’s just… just… gawwwd all midgety
Damn those midgety gods. I assume you meant mighty?
No. I meant midget.
I preferred Dr. Robotnik’s version of the insult in the old Sonic cartoon where he called Scratch and Grounder mental midgets.
A man goes to the train station with his wife and asks for a ticket to Libya.
The guy says there are no tickets to Libya available.
The man turns to his wife and says: Libya, there’s no tickets for you.