Silly Joke Thread

Post some ridiculous jokes here. I’ll start…

Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?

A: She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.


Guy goes to the Doctor on Monday morning…

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Gimme the good news.

Doctor: Okay. You only have 3 days to live.

Patient: WHAT?! Then what is the BAD news??!!

Doctor: Your file has been on my desk since Friday afternoon.

10 Likes

I told my brother the reason dinosaurs became exstinct was because they stopped reproducing.

Scientists narrowed it down to this one gay dinosaur called 'MegaSoreAss" lol!

Then my bro goes, really? I thought it was because of the gay dinosaur called ‘LickAlotOPuss’

lol!

7 Likes

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

Did you hear they canceled the psychiatric convention?

Yeah, they had to cancel it as it was a shrinking audience.

What is a snail?

A slug with a crash helmet

One for the ladies…
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Make a tire and call it a good year.

What kind of snake is useful on your window?

A viper.

How can you tell an old person from a young person?

An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

Where do hundereds and thousands come from?

Smarties poo!

What did the grape do when the elephant sat on it?

It let out a little wine.

Think I’m done.

12 Likes

Very funny stuff @Patrick! :smile:

What’s black, white and red all over?

The newspaper.

1 Like

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn’t.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The texan smiled and drawled “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.”

5 Likes

hahahaha. the second joke got me. thanks! I needed the endorphins :smile:

I read one i thought was funny.

Why does a blonde pour water into computer?
Because she wants to surf the internet :slight_smile:

or

Why is a blonde serious when she drinks out of a tetrapak?
Because it says concentrate on it :smile:

5 Likes

Date night is not going well in the country.

Guy says: I butter go.

Girl replies: Cow did you know?

(Stupid I just made this up)

8 Likes

Man stands over the grave of his ex wife.

Priest asks: gone a long time?

Man replies: she still has a bone to pick with me.

2 Likes

When I was born I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.

3 Likes

Domo Arigato bitches! (in Dave Chappelle’s voice impersonating Rick James)

2 Likes

I don’t often drink cow milk, but when I do… I have to take a ■■■■. (in Dos XX commercial voice)

2 Likes

Shhhh aaa booom ■■■■■■■■■■■■■! (in Samuel Jackson voice)

1 Like

And what happened when you thought of your wee wee controller as your pitito, putos?! (In George Lopez voice)

1 Like

So… i’ve often heard people say, “If world leaders sat around together and smoked a joint there would be peace. The thing about politicians though is before long one would start arguing where the best weed grows. Then every son of bitch would try to sell what they have for more to prove it is better… These stupid ■■■■■■■■■■■■■.” (In George Carlin voice.)

2 Likes

“Buttercuuuuup!!!” “Butternuts!!”, scene from Half Baked.

1 Like

A Buddhist monk stopped in front of a hot dog stand.
“Make me one with everything”, he asks.
The hot dog vendor hands over the dog and pockets a twenty dollar bill.
“Where’s my change”, asked the monk.
“Ah brother, change must come from within”, replies the vendor.

7 Likes

That’s how I’d order sandwiches at subway. :blush:

Que pinchi “old soul” ni que nada, bola de pendejos. (subject, every person)