Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
To prepare them for the bill.
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
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Did you hear they canceled the psychiatric convention?
Yeah, they had to cancel it as it was a shrinking audience.
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What is a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet
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One for the ladies…
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Make a tire and call it a good year.
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What kind of snake is useful on your window?
A viper.
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How can you tell an old person from a young person?
An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.
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Where do hundereds and thousands come from?
Smarties poo!
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What did the grape do when the elephant sat on it?
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn’t.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The texan smiled and drawled “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.”
So… i’ve often heard people say, “If world leaders sat around together and smoked a joint there would be peace. The thing about politicians though is before long one would start arguing where the best weed grows. Then every son of bitch would try to sell what they have for more to prove it is better… These stupid ■■■■■■■■■■■■■.” (In George Carlin voice.)
A Buddhist monk stopped in front of a hot dog stand.
“Make me one with everything”, he asks.
The hot dog vendor hands over the dog and pockets a twenty dollar bill.
“Where’s my change”, asked the monk.
“Ah brother, change must come from within”, replies the vendor.