it is too warm/hot today. I did not turn on the AC as I was out, but I think I have to tonight.
Gonna leave in 40 minutes to see my friend.
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about to clean the kitchen
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As usual it looks clean to me already!
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its messy and dirty
looks so much the kitchen in my 3,5 apartment I rented 
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i just burped and threw up
Hope you feel better soon.
I have also felt that Anna when you sleep for many hours but still may need more restā¦
Today I have felt so fragile and delicate again.
I feel fragile and delicate often.
Like Iām a baby but beyond that even.
My boyfriend may not understand.
I have been resting on the bed today and managed to take a bike ride this morning to go to post office and buy sugar etc
I also read a little of my swedish book Iām reading.
I also made coffees for my boyfriend and I .
My boyfriend may not understand that Iām proud of myself for what I do do,specially when Iām feeling so fragile and beyond fragileā¦
Blessed be!
ļø
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Iām a bit of a poor reader but this book Iām reading is really good.
I only read slowly but am glad I know how to read.
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She usually donāt wanna hang out cuz sheās got her husband but now her husbands out of town she wants to hang out multiple days in a row. My sis. Sheās been in relationships for 16 straight years. Is this codependency?? I never knew what codependency really meansā¦all I know is Iām the anti codependency nowā¦and Iām proud of that. My aunt was in a relationship with her husband for almost 60 years (her whole life almost) and then he died now sheās got like that psychotic depression thing going on. My mom says itās cuz sheās codependent. Iām not blaming her or my sister but being single for a while has its advantages. U never get lonely after a while. When u get used to it. And u learn how to entertain urself
Oh boyā¦nightmare about moving back to my old house again tonightā¦ever since I found out we would be moving back to the same neighborhood, even though we wonāt be in the same house, Iāve had nightmares about us moving back thereā¦mostly because really awful things happened to me there with my psychosis. Maybe all that stress and fear is manifesting as my other nightmares as well. We arenāt even moving back to the same houseā¦
Doing some math re: my vitamin and supplement regimenā¦
Probiotic - $10 / month
Malic acid - $9.50 / month
Turmeric - $7.20 / month
Ashwagandha - $5 / month
L-Theanine - $5 / month
Lithium orotate - $4.80 / month
Fish oil - $4.50 / month
Multivitamin - $3 / month
Vitamin D - $1 / month
= $50 per month
Thatās a little more than Iād like to spend, but the only thing I might be ok with cutting out is lithium orotate. The rest all seem indispensable.
And if I started CBD capsules, that would add at least $30/month
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Keep us updated on ur cbd experience
ā¦
Iāve used CBD already, but I ran out and it is a bit expensive. I like CBD, it has a nice, mild benzo-like effect and increases my mental clarity. I recommend trying it. I spent a long time researching the best sources to buy it from so if anyone is interested in getting that info, let me know. However, Iāve heard there is some sort of risk associated with using it while on antipsychotics, so be aware. Iāve never had an issue though. It is very mild and subtle.
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Did it work for negative symptoms. ā¦
Yeah, it makes me feel more focused and clear-headed, less depressed, more engaged in the world and optimistic. But as I said, it is subtle for me. Not a cure-all. It gives me an overall feeling of well-being.
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I mean, when theyāre talking about removing tumors (Iāve got 2 on one kidney and one on the other) all I can think of is, āWhat cave do these idiots graduate from?ā. All these years of research and āfundingā and what do they have to show for it? They shouldnāt call it āsurvivalā rate, but āmurderā rate in their statistics.
Itās not even as easy as they make it sound to āoperateā on tumors apparently. Someone said it took them nearly a whole day to remove one.
And even worse is that they call that ātreatmentā or ācureā for the cancer? Noā¦ They even remove other organs in advance in case the cancer āmightā spread there. How insane and torturous. Then, after removal which weāre told ācuresā the cancer, some people find tumors in other organs in follow-up scans.
I told my boyfriend Iām not a nazi n he said neither is he.
I had my concerns his friends n family were and I really donāt seem to fit in with them but donāt with most people anyway.
I was tested for genitalia diseases just before I met my boyfriend and I had no diseases except herpes which I told him about.
I was celibate for five years pretty recently.
I noticed a skin spot that looks like a wart but I have freckly skin.
I hope he doesnāt have anything as such that his given me.
I might have to remove it.
He is the only one Iāve been with since test was taken.
I have mixed feelings about plastic surgery.
Some Men do it as well.
They do not admit to it as often though.
A big part of me wanted to be natural and have not full blown feminist as such but some thing similar yeah .
Enchanting ones appearance can be positive and Iām starting to open up to the idea since I met my bf.
But before I met him I was more against it.
I thought it was sad.
I wanted to be natural and appreciate the charm that can perhaps be in imperfections .
I do think tattoos can look awesome n that is modifying the body as is colouring hair n make up but plastic surgery more so.
My mum was very much against plastic surgery.
If I can afford breast enhancement in future I may do so .
My bf loves big tits n Iām naturally small breasted.
I have s memory of wanting it as s child even strange n perhaps sad in a way.
I had no thought of doing it before we met n we are not so sexually active for couple weeks.
I trust my boyfriend to be faithful and not cheat.
I found s surgeon who is local to where I am moving too and seems to do really good looking work and hopefully professional too .
It might be possible in couple years.
But itās not priority to me as I feel fragile, do t trust people,have paranoia , feel like Iām surviving extremity of some kind etc
I donāt have friends which is why Iām writing this here.
Only eyes I have connected with have been brown.
They were warm n kind looking eyes.
Other eyes seem to look cold.
I donāt connect with my boyfriends eyes either.
Glad our society is not nazi I still stand as I stand but anywayā¦
You canāt be seriousā¦Itās not certain, or theyāre just not sure yet. They need to do an MRI with contrast to be sure.
They seemed sure it was or very likely that it is.
Itās apparently some kind of genetic disease that causes cysts to grow in the liver/kidneys. They found cysts long time ago but just said that it needed to be kept an eye on.
From the sounds of it, tumors can grow from this disease. They talked about removal but it would still require more scans and more removal of new growths.
This whole thing got me (and other family members) stressed to high hell. Mostly me though. BP and heart rate are always up when they check vitals.
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Oh my gosh man, hope it turns out to be a false alarmā¦ I mean they could be benign right?
Youāre in my prayers.
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