Do I have repressed memories? Was I ever abused? I just don’t know. There are weird things. Like how when I was only 9 or 10 I started getting my first rape nightmares even though I didn’t even know what rape was. I remember the first one, it was that I fell into a dark pit and shadowy figures kept raping me, I could barely move because the pit was filled with mud or something so I was slogging along. When I was younger I was also fixated on sex and didn’t really understand why. I discovered porn and would spend hours playing porn games, then I’d try to get my friends to play sexual games or play sexual games with my toys. I remember when I was around 9 sitting on the bed with my babysitter and feeling uncomfortable he was so close and not really understanding why but nothing happened to my knowledge, we were just talking. I know a certain uncle of mine has always made me feel uncomfortable but I figured it was just because he was awkward. And I certainly don’t want to go pointing fingers.
Then when I was somewhere between 10-12 along with rape nightmares I’d get these weird nightmares where I’d walk into my room or I’d be in the bathroom and a strange man would walk out of nowhere and lunge at me and I’d be so terrified I’d wake up before I could even run away. Then there was that whole debacle when I was 16 where I was having those horrific experiences of being abused by demons and my sexuality and everything has just been completely screwed up since then.
I don’t know. A lot of things would make sense if I was abused and forgot. I know I tend to erase things from my memory I didn’t like because I’ve done it with other things before I totally forgot until my mom reminded me. It just stresses me out. I read about one person who was abused from ages 2-6 and didn’t even remember a single thing about it until they were 27. Even my mom had a friend who in the middle of their prom broke down crying saying she had suddenly remembered being abused by her dad. Some people don’t remember until much later even. I’m scared and confused.