Psychosis is very odd

i talked a little about the trauma of it the other day but the actual suffering of it, the leading up to the break with reality and the actual going through it is very odd isn’t it. my first break was gradual. i started with paranoia about how to get out of my house when attacked during the night…then…if i remember rightly it sort of subsided and changed into driving paranoia about crashing on big roads and then suddenly i just lost it because of a flood of imagery in my mind. no voices just presupositions of possible futures…all horrific. looking back, this horrific set of futures was very convoluted and detailed and just didn’t make sense at all but i fell for it. it was all an unknown, every bit of it was improvable which i guess was what made it such a tantalising yet horrific mystery but when i think about it? i can put most of it down to things i’d either read or seen on tv or at the cinema. of course when questioned, i couldn’t explain how any of it really worked in practice and some of it was just plain ridiculous.

the space ship that crashed at roswell in 1947 was actually a space/time ship of my design. the year of my birth was 1974 and i sent it back to 1947 to tell myself that it was mine, backwards. it even happened on my mum’s birthday, according to colonel corso’s book, the day after roswell.
quite how this ship was supposed to work was never adequately explained of course, as 'm not a physicist.

it was a soul catcher as well as a dimension hopping ship and when i and my kids and husband died it would catch our souls and they would be injected into new cloned bodies. immortality, my friends! what a wonderful idea! whoever came up with that was a genius surely but obviously i didn’t believe in it enough or i would’ve committed suicide to get back to my ship…score 1 bealie, score nil, brainwashers. the whole object of this was to make me kill myself so that there could never be a court case against my rapists. who would question the suicide of an unbalanced psychotic drug addict right? luckily i was bright enough to wait for someone else to do it first
funnily enough, they never did…that was all i needed to know to figure out that it was ■■■■.

i also left my husband for none other than mel gibson…now this is weird because i don’t actually like mel gibson as a person. but then at the time i didn’t know what a bigoted, misogynistic, jew hating,racist, wife beating animal he really was. all i knew was, he was somehow involved in this conspiracy. it was a torture induced feeling of…love? could you call it love? no i don’t think you can. it was an hypnotic bomb and it served it’s purpose at the time. sounds crazy huh. but it’s not…and there i shall leave my first psychosis for now.

what was your first psychosis?

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I have flashes of memories of psychosis at about 4-5 years old most of it rather confusing and disturbing. Not sure I understand most of it to put it in words. Other than the ethereal demonic faces floating outside of the car window. While being driven somewhere by my parents at night.

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Well I’ve been…kind of off for as long as I can remember…I’d say my first delusion was when I was 5 years old and started believing I was a werewolf and told everyone this…maybe it would’ve been a cute little kid thing, if it didn’t get CRAZY intricate and in-depth and last until I was around 13 years old…

I also can’t remember a time before I didn’t get horrifically frightened at night…I think it’s because of the graphic and highly disturbing nightmares I’d get…I’d stay up all night because I was too scared to fall asleep and deal with them…maybe I just connected that with fear of the night, who knows…I remember being overcome with feelings that something was coming for me, that I’d be in serious danger unless I acted RIGHT NOW. My mom said when I was really little they’d find me sleeping in different places in the house. It was because I thought monsters were after me and if I wasn’t in my bedroom they wouldn’t find me. I’d also always tell her there were ghosts in my room. When I was really little I also hallucinated VIVIDLY, both visual and auditory. Those went away by the time I hit around 8 or so I think.

I’ve never known what it was like to be normal. Ever. That’s why it’s so weird for me to think of this side of me as an illness, because it’s just something I’ve always dealt with.

I have a belief that reality is much less fluid for children.

Even my roommate, who is non-psychotic, perfectly healthy, says she remembered an experience from very early childhood where they were staying at a hotel and she saw her dresser turn into a monster-dresser, and it scared her so she wouldn’t sleep in the room.

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@jaynebeal Thank you for starting this thread…

I think you are a very strong person and it’s not easy to talk about this sort of stuff sometimes… I know it’s not like this for others… but for me… when I can face it… it’s very cathartic.

I think I have two “first”
The one that really stands out and seemed to last so long but at a low level was when I was 10 and God spoke to me and told me that I needed help… so he’d send someone down… in 9 months… God TOLD me I’d have a sister.

So when Mom got pregnant for the last time… I’m told I get really weird about it… I would talk for hours to my Mom’s belly and I had my sister named long before the docs were even sure she was a girl. I’m a little embarrassed about how obsessive I got about this. When my sis was born… that just proved it all to me.

The more scary, out of control, and high level first was when I was 17 and that came on fast and hard and almost got me landed in jail for kidnapping… (ironic) and then landed in hospital for a very long time.

I was sure the little kinder school my sis went to was brainwashing her… I was sure the teacher was a sex offender… I was sure that place was merely a day time concentration camp. I went to her little kinder school, just picked her up during the recess and just drove away. She got reported missing… it got reported as a kidnapping… my parents and police got involved… it got really scary from there.

When I was around four I started thinking I was a fairy who came to earth to have new experiences. As a fairy, I was obsessed with human life, so I became human. I thought when I died I’d become a fairy again and go on with my fairy life.

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I thought Nazis had discovered a way to clone / revive Hitler and World War 3 was beginning. The Harry Potter books were prophetic and Voldemort represented Hitler’s rise from the dead. Obama and the Nazis put chips in people’s heads to entice them to join either the resistance or the Nazis. The World Cup was the start of the war and Germany vs. Brazil was supposed to represent the first nation to be occupied and enslaved by the Nazis.

I’ve seen the faces too. I still see them behind my eyelids sometimes.

Some of these are funny! I know they aren’t really, but when I look back I have to laugh at the crazy. It’s my way of coping with the ridiculous notions I had. I know they are devastating to the individuals and I think especially devastating for those still sane, like family, who are trying to work through all of it and get you better.

My first, luckily didn’t involve the law too much, other than being police escorted for involuntary commitment. Don’t ask me of the events that lead to that, as my mind has blocked those out.

But my delusions were religious based mostly, even though I am not religious. Thinking that my cousin was the anti-Christ, KNOWING that there was a whole gathering of people outside my window blinds who were sacrificing my cousin, thinking my phone was evil and if I answered a call that person would die, delusions of grandeur and thinking I controlled a lot more than I really did, thinking my psychiatrist was Hillary Clinton, thinking I was not just pregnant, but giving birth to “the next coming”. The list goes on and is just too muddled and crazy to really articulate it.

I try to laugh about it now, because what else can you do when you get so far away from reality. I hated being hospitalized, but when my brother had his “first”(and only, knock on wood), I saw how necessary it was before legal ramifications were numerous. My brother was more adventurous, driving an unattended bulldozer that was sitting in a field, and breaking into a neighbor’s house to ride their four-wheeler, returning to their house to drink their beer while he sat in their living room in his underwear.

Yes, psychosis is vey odd.

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my whole virtual life in my head descended into sex, drugs, (cocaine) being murdered on a daily basis by either the fbi or mel gibson himself and the same for my kids. any out of body experiencer could take over anybody else’s body at any point and turn on you. i ended up not knowing who belonged in who’s body…although funnily enough, nobody ever over took my body. it was always my husband or mel gibson and it was always me that ended up getting killed, me and the kids, again and again. it ended with muslim fanatics kidnapping and murdering my kids because they thought they were devil children and me returning to my space/time ship to be confronted with my husband’s insane spirit inside mel gibson’s body and trying to kill me to take control of the ship. some of it is laughable now but at the time, because i’d been brainwashed into believing in this ■■■■, it was terrifying…imagine being trap in space with a homicidal maniac, knowing that you’re going to die the most horrific of deaths…it was awful…but yes…ludicrous.

now i will tell you the truth. when i was 15 years old i was raped by someone famous. it was covered up and i was tortured to forget about it. they held a lit cigarette to my stomach and burnt me…obviously that wasn’t enough so they did some more that i don’t want to go into yet but obviously, one cigarette burn isn’t enough to make you forget you were raped…but i did forget. they told me that that girl, the rape victim was dead and no longer lived inside my mind or body. nothing happened to me and if i looked in the mirror at my facial injuries then the candyman would get me, the devil would get me and freddy kruger would get me. they told me the same for the injuries on my leg and vagina…so i forgot. they then tried to kill me by unscrewing the screw on my plug on my hairdryer so that when i plugged it in, i would also plug myself in to the mains electricity, which i did…luckily i was ok. life went on for about a year and then weird poltergeist episodes started happening around me, witnessed by my friends…they had created a ghost personality. an out of body alternate persona that knew everything. i moved to tenerife and everything went quiet on the ghost front…then my boyfriend found the scar on my vagina. it was big and it was deep and should have required stitches. where did you get that, says he…i don’t know, says i.

give me a minute…be right back.