Not wanting to be friends anymore

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1

I’ve been having two schizophrenic friends for a long time. I met both of them at the hospital separately. But recently I have a hard time getting along with them.

The biggest reason is that our conditions were similar to each other when we met but now I’m almost symptom-free while both of them are still struggling with voices or delusions. One of them is getting worse each year and she now cannot even walk due to psychological reasons, so she uses a wheel chair. The other cannot go out either. They call me often, but I’m busy so I often cannot answer their calls. I sometimes call back but honestly, I don’t want to talk to them because if I talk about myself, they envy, and if I listen, I feel down because all they talk about is their symptoms and how hard their lives are.

This weekend while I was going out with one other friend I recently met(and I’m far happier being with her), one of the friends left a message to my phone that said “can you go out with me today? I want to make a good memory cos I’m going to kill myself soon.” I signed. Then I also noticed an email from her. It said “you don’t answer my calls, you are the worst piece of ■■■■, go to hell.” And this disgusted me.

The other friend calls me about once a week, but all she talks about is the voices she hears. Recently I don’t answer her calls either.

I understand how hard life can be with schizophrenia because I’ve gone through all the hell as well, but I’ve made a tremendous effort to get out of that hell and become better. They are just keep dumping on me and they haven’t gottne any better since we met. I don’t want to listen to them anymore. At least I don’t want be part of their lives anymore.

Am I selfish? Does any of you guys have similar experiences?

2

That’s a hard situation. I’m sure it will be difficult to politely back away. You have to be clear with them why it is you are not wanting to be friends. Tell them your recovery is something you worked hard for and you treasure it. Tell them that they are in different places in their lives than you are right now and you don’t feel like you can relate to them and their needs …Expect some anger. It sounds like one of the is already lashing out. If they start to freak out on you just say “I’ wish you all the best,. I’m hanging up now” and then hang up.

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3

That’s a hard situation. You’re one friend sounds borderline saying they want to make good memories because they’re going to kill themselves. It sounds like you’ve gotten out of the mindset of being sick and they’re still stuck there. Schizophrenia is a hard illness but you have to be determined to get better. Maybe they don’t want to get better for whatever reason. Being sick has a lot of benefits. People take care of you and nothing much is expected of you. It doesn’t sound like they are healthy relationships. Try writing down exactly what you would say to them and maybe rehearse it with someone. Good luck to you. :sunny:

4

Tough…but not impossible. I say call them each once a week to keep in touch. I only make friends with fellow “together” schizophrenics- ie people who focus on recovery and dont wallow in a pile of ■■■■. It’s a struggle, I have bad days, so do my friends in the struggle, but the way we deal with it and stay positive is what matters. Even when we feel like ■■■■, we crack jokes and make light of it and stay positive. Laugh or cry.

My schizophrenic friends are not the loser types, they are the fighter types, one of them literally, he’s a combat veteran and puts up with some serious ■■■■■■■■ that I wouldnt handle well. My other schizophrenic friend is a student at my school, he and I are on the same med (Geodon) and both do well in school.

There are fighters and there are weaklings. It’s not your job to be these people you speak of psychologist. Support is one thing, dependence is another. Mutual support is perfect, having fellow psychosis sufferers to stay strong with is the best…but threatening suicide because you have a life and cant talk during work or whatever? That person needs a binky and a fresh diaper.

I dont mean to sound harsh, but living with psychosis IS do or die. Its so easy to say “■■■■ it” and wallow, all of us can rightfully do that, but it’s when we dont that makes us stronger than normal people.

For example, there is some testy trash talk and ■■■■ on my powerlifting team. They all know I am schizophrenic and on 3 sedating meds. One of the guys is nationally competing and is testy and restless, I think he’s on roids. I dont take ■■■■, one offensive remark and I use my superior intelligence to construct a rational argument beyond their meat head brains and they are like “ok”. and quit being offensive and say “well yeah what youre doing is right just change this one little thing”

I for one just dont accept ■■■■. A true insult and I unleash on people and enjoy it, and I dont care what consequences are, I just get angrier and its as pleasurable as sex. I have slight psychopathic tendencies, this was in the results of my evaluation. Be supportive to your friends who are not fighters but dont try to fight their fight against mental illness for them- you have your own battles.

Support vs dependence. You decide.

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5

everyone deals with sz differently.
if three friends start to build their own houses, and one friend finishes before the other two.
do you judge those two for their lack of effort? or their lack of skill ?
would not the one who had finished their house first, then help the other two any time they can.
kindness and compassion are what hold up the house we call humanity.
take care

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I’m not a fighter. I whine I cry I sleep a lot. But I keep walking. I find it easier to fight for others than myself. Kinda like a shark. If they stop swimming they die. But even when you want to die, swimming is so second nature that you don’t stop.
I can’t find it here, but I think someone said something about making a appointment. Take a day out of the month and make it their day. Get them both together (that way you can have only one day not two) and commit the whole day to them. Explain how busy you are that you can’t always make time for them, but I think that one day would really help them.

7

This is a very hard situation. I have one cousin who is schizoaffective but more then the Mental illness, he was a long time drug buddy.

I moved on, he stayed in the same place. I still say hi and still try and be friendly. But he’s still in the same place. The thing that is making me cringe and wonder about myself is that fact that I actually don’t understand him anymore. He’s still saying the same thing, but I really don’t get what he’s saying anymore. I don’t understand why he won’t at least try.

I’m not in that head space and even though I can sort of remember and maybe related to a bit of it, now that I’m in lucid town more and not living in my drug head, I don’t get him. I try to be nice, but when he is high and tripping, I find myself very impatient with him.

I think for me this would be different if the person relapsed. If they were doing well and getting better and relapsed, well, then I know they were on their feet once, I’ll try and be a friend while they get on their feet again.

But to have no movement towards getting better is a hard thing to watch.

I guess if you do hang out with them, you could set some ground rules. I’ve done that with my cousin.

“If you hang out with me, we’re going to go do something and I won’t moan about my head circus if you don’t moan about yours.” When he does start getting all low and wet blanket I do listen for a bit, I don’t try and talk him out of it, but I ask, “Ok, that’s 5 things you hate, now name just one thing you like.” I sort of build on that.

I also tell him my voices are pretty much gone so again, I won’t tell you about mine, and I ask that you don’t tell me about yours. Because he will talk about and to his voices for hours. He will have them interject into a conversation. If I tell him I don’t agree with his voices, he gets very upset. That makes me sad to. I do know how mean “the controller” can be.

I either make him mad and he stops calling me, or he tries to reach out just a little towards healing even if it’s just for a few hours. Or sometime I just have to say… “I’m not doing to well today. I’ll have to try and catch you later.” Then when I’m sure my deflector shields are up, I can try and do something later.

Also, you might have to ask yourself… are you hanging with these people because you feel guilty or because you genuinely like them. I do like my cousin. But there are some guys form my SZ group who I’ve grown apart from because as I have gotten better and really listened to them, I’ve come to realize that they are racist.

I found I didn’t like them as people, but I was hanging with them for a bit out of guilt induced obligation. That’s not a friendship.

Good luck and I hope this works out for you soon

8

Just wanted to show you some support. You are certainly in a tough situation. Do what makes you comfortable without jeopardizing your own well being.

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10

no words of wisdom,just thinking about you and how sad this situation is…take your time and try to come up with a solution you can mentally handle…best of luck to you…

11

I cut off one of the friends this morning(the one who left the message to my phone) because I couldn’t accept what she had said to me and I didn’t know how to deal with her anymore.

But thinking about what to do about the other one, I began to feel really depressed, so I called my social worker at the hospital. She came over to my apartment this afternoon and we discussed the issue. And I’ve decided to tell her that I’m not feeling well lately so that I can’t talk to her for the time being. It seems like she calls to several people to talk about herself. I’m just one of them. But in the end, I’ve decided not to end the relationship.

When I get back on track, I guess I will be able to listen to her again as before. But it’s just that when I’m feeling unwell, I just need to put myself first. I can’t say I’m doing this from 100% love or compassion but there’re a few percentage of guilt. But I think it’s normal range.

Thank you so much for all the support. I really appriciate it. Now I feel better about myself and my friend.

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You have every right not to be verbally beat up. It doesn’t make you a bad person for taking care of yourself first. Good for you for talking to someone who knows you and getting a solution so quickly.

Good luck and I hope you feel better.