So this might sound odd, but I was seeking out that feeling of a crushing anxiety and nervousness akin to what one should only know in high school.
I wanted a reminder of what that portion of me was about, because I was most considerably a desperate romantic back in the day.
I should say that I have succeeded in that and now I realize it sucked.
What I hoped to find in it though was the part that founded my basis of handling romantic endeavors with respect and in pursuit of fairness and wisdom. When I could manage to speak most girls always liked the things I said and most of what I said came from that outside bias.
So now I am there and can safely say… I no longer have any game at all… In fact I wonder if I ever did.
Seriously… kind of a whoopsy… I can look back at my 27 year old drunken self of last year who always kept himself patient but had his wits about him and was able to fling some ■■■■out of the holster if a girl was giving him the right kind of attention.
That 27 year old is not viable to me now. Really reckless and self-serving.
I was thinking earlier that I’ve lost that sense of entitlement and clarity in just knowing I’m better for most women than the men who take to the more typical perspective on how to handle and what to expect from women.
I simply don’t know what to do now. Looking back at my interactions with this young woman in particular and they’re all positives, but it’s seizing and I can’t think on my toes or be too light-hearted about things… which kind of cripples my confidence all around.
Still I spoke with her the other day. She just works a register at the gas station and I’m totally put off by the idea myself of going in their and pecking at her for attention. That’s unfair.
I noticed her sort of resituate herself in front of me as if she wanted me to say something. Like her attention was fleeting elsewhere and then she sort of clicked back and smiled at me leaning in my direction. Had some simple exchange. I was nervous and I never really expect to see her in there. “So your working by your lonesome in here on a saturday night.” “Yeah, but not for long… it’s the slowest time of the day.” “That’s surprising” I responded. There were a few more words exchanged. The girl is sweet as one could be.
Still schizophrenia and addiction issues. I don’t feel like I respect myself at the end of the day… nor do I have that much trust in girls in general. I mean she might have that respect for simple domestic living and the wholesome nature of being in a couple who can enjoy it the same way… but that’s sort of too much for me to just expect. Wisdom says expect nothing, need nothing, and just be yourself…
Signs that she get’s equally nervous at the sight of me. Other times she seems infatuated.
Then what do you do… when two people might get along with the idea of each other so well that neither know what to do in the sight of it. (wishful thinking.)… Oppositely I’m just another male customer among male customers or men in general in her life that she just plays nice with because she feels it’s right. (still cool…)
You know it doesn’t matter how attractive one is at all. There is a variety of looks… it’s impossible to expect anyone to be singularly physically attracted to one individual and one alone. Mental attraction has enough depth but with that depth comes grounds fro great incompatibility.
I do well in getting along with most everyone.
I think I’m just typing this out so that it feels more real than just something that’s in my head.
Any of you dudes out there have it for a while and then just lose your game if you entertain the notion?
