I came across a very important issue in regards to my relationship with my illnesses. I can’t seem to separate clearly where my identity begins and my illnesses end, or the other way around, as you prefer.
I used to see very clearly that there wasn’t a distinction, but now I see there is a difference between what is delusional thinking and rational thinking and the nature of hallucinations being almost outside forces, but not being actual outside forces. With therapy and the help of meds, I’m now on the comfortable position of looking back on my delusions without feeling triggered, and thought that the most important part of my delusional state was not knowing where, or what, my identity was.
And I see it a lot here on the forum, where some of us can’t really tell if intrusive thoughts are our own thoughts or subconscious thoughts, or inserted thoughts by hallucinations, or just part of a collective unconscious that no one knows if it really exists. Also, if we have persistent delusions of persecution for example, if we are paranoid or being paranoid. These are examples.
This is almost a philosophical ponder really, do you feel that you can’t pin point your identity because of this illness, or if it is easier for neurotypicals to say “I am _____”?
I think meds and therapy have helped me a lot in regards to this particular issue, but there’s still a long way to go. My psychotic break really messed with my sense of identity.
I think it shows a lot of insight to be able to say it’s even about identity. And maybe this shows where I’m at, but my reality is torn wide open. I guess my identity has changed as a result of it.
I know that from a recovery oriented mindset, maybe a necessary step is to see it as personal identity vs symptoms. But man, even neurotypicals don’t have to be that grown up! They get to keep their delusions and call it belief.
Yes, true… A lot of belief systems out there that can be mixed up as identity. Social identity, national identity, political party identity… You name it.
I have to tell you, I was corrected in the use of this term. Supposedly, a pseudo-hallucination is when you’re aware it is a hallucination. Inner voices, confused with inner dialogue, are in fact hallucinations.
You’ll get there Just keep aiming yourself in that direction.
Yes. It was really hard for me to tell when I was getting the random, unconnected phrases rushing through my head whether it was intrusive/loud thoughts or internal hallucinations.
Since regular meds it’s virtually gone ie just a couple of breakthroughs.
What doesn’t help is that these thoughts/hallucinations were almost exclusively a night time thing. I guess everyone now is rushing to say- Hypnagogic ! . Only trouble is this would go on for 2-3 hours or more and I was definitely wide awake.
I have a very hard time assuming my identity as my illnesses, I have schizophrenia, a mood disorder, OCD and PTSD. I’m not my PTSD, or my OCD or my mood disorder, why should I be my schizophrenia?
But I get the need to identify with it, hence this topic
I’ve been odd/ill(call it what you will) for so long it’s hard to see myself separate from that.
Even before the official diagnoses I was the physically and socially awkward, odd teenager out.
I always had issues too, but I don’t know if it was from the type of delusions I had that took a toll on my ability to discern my real identity with my delusions, I just don’t assume myself as an ill person. I know I have disorders, and only I know how much I suffer from them, but in reality I don’t identify with them as being me, you know? It’s like I’m able to separate myself from my thoughts. More in a “you are what you do” kind of way of seeing identity.
Another issue is that if 3 people think I’m clever I must be clever, but if a 4th person comes along and thinks I’m stupid then I must be stupid.
I might go into outward denial about the 4th person’s comment but inwardly I’m owning it big time.
I am what people think of me .
This is very interesting, and painful I’m sure. Maybe you don’t identify to what others think of you, but you focus more on the negative traits people see in you? We are all stupid and clever at the same time, some more than others in some area or another.
How many of those traits are changed by the disorder? How many beliefs and values changed, also? It’s interesting, because so many of us prefered the identities we had before becoming ill, while some of us were always somewhat ill…
It is indeed interesting. I will try to find more related information.
In the end, which would you rather be like—a fallen leaf that gets blown around by every mild breeze or a tree that withstands even powerful storms? Strengthen your identity, and you’ll be like that tree.
Self, Identity, and Subjective Experiences of Schizophrenia: In Search of the Subject
Schizophrenia is an I am illness—one that may overtake and redefine the identity of the person. This essay explores concepts of person-hood and subjectivity from social science that are useful in understanding the experiencing subject in schizophrenia. Relationships between the self and sickness have not been investigated adequately with reference to their influence on prognosis. Chronicity is conceived of as a loss of self and of positive social roles and identity. Methods for the study of self and identity in relation to schizophrenia include analysis of illness-identity representations made by persons with schizophrenia.